Body like a back road…. And the nuances of getting lost in it….Β 

I am in a state of disbelief and shell shocked about something that happened to me yesterday. I have been unable to get a grip about it and I absolutley MUST get this out of me. (You lucky readers πŸ˜‰)

I live out of my gym bag. I shower at home MAYBE 3 times a month. I will even go to the gym just to sit in the eucalyptus infused steam room sauna… the GLORIOUS honey hole that is my meditation kingdom… and then shower at the gym. I love it there. It’s my happy πŸ™‚.

Side note… think it’s time for a new gym bag πŸ€” Nah… 😜 


I am a creature of habit. I have the same routine. I get ready in the same spot. I get ready standing in my bra and underoos and I don’t give a RIP about it. All my favorite peeps and employees come up and talk to me like it ain’t no thang my boobs are hanging out and we go about our merry little ways. (Colorado Jen if your reading this I think we meet in the lockeroom while I was in my underoos  πŸŒˆπŸŒ€πŸ’«) 

I am a 35 year old female that has been in the trenches with self loathing, self hate, feelings of shame about myself, constantly comparing myself to others…. I have been through the ringer with eating disorders galore… if there is ANY place I should feel safe standing in my bra and underoos and not worry about a damned thing it should be at the gym lockeroom right? 

We are all here because we are trying to better ourselves, our bodies, our minds, our souls, for whatever reason that is on our own hearts, right? 

Let me tell you. Ugly resides in the hearts of many and I truthfully cannot even believe what happened to me. 

I legit was body shamed by two (I’m guessing) 10-12 year old girls. Mocked, pointed at, I mean like actually POINTED at…  and laughed at. 

I was standing and getting ready in the mirror and watched them in horror as they stood back behind me whispering loudly, pointing at ME and laughing  as if I couldn’t hear and see it all!  

I was frozen. Paralyzed. And they went on and on about it. They even walked within feet behind me as I watched in the mirror and they looked me up and down and rolled their eyes and LAUGHED. 

Once I came out of my shock I was FUCKING PISSED. Like what in the actual fuck just happened here. 

I thought “you ragamuffin little brat bitches… who do you think you are??!!” My mind went right on to playing out scenes of me telling them about themselves and letting them have it… I think I even pushed one of them into the locker and they fell and conked their head on the bench…. 

CHILL folks… I’m human. I think impure thoughts occasionally before I reign it back in… πŸ™‚ 

I wouldn’t actually harm anyone but my sugar plums sure wanted to hang someone and make them pay for ripping open a wound that’s already so tender anyway.

Then I got sad. 

I thought THIS is the best we can do??? What happened to these poor girls souls that they are so ugly on the inside to be like this? 

Then I thought thank GOD this was me that they did that too and not someone more fragile in their healing…. But I won’t even lie to you one bit. For a brief BRIEF moment in my mind a tiny seed of self doubt popped up. 

BOOM. That instantaneously.

How insane is THAT???? Because of two reckless children mocking me and making fun of me the old harmful patterns of thinking I have fought so fucking hard to overcome were ready to pounce in an instant… 

That’s frightening to me… No wonder our world is riddled with people with low self esteem and feelings of unworthiness… between external yuck like those two girls flung at me… to the internal shitty committee we have in our brains it’s a constant battle. 

It seems so unnecessary to me…  

I realize some people don’t suffer with issues like this… Be grateful. Maybe say a prayer for those of us that do suffer silently… 

We rip apart our bodies and every imperfection nonstop until it can become obsessive… We do not need the help of others adding fuel to the self hate fire.

It’s ironic because I also ran across this picture yesterday before this locker room incident. To the untrained eye maybe you won’t see it…..

But I see my insecurities LOUD and clear… 


In this picture I see the years of hating my body, harsh criticism and the effects it STILL has on me with one small gesture that I am doin… 

I’m covering up a non existent fat roll. There’s nothing even there and yet I’m still triggered to cover up a part of my body that I spent decades hating. 

I woke up with the incident on my heart this morning and I can’t quite pin point my feelers about it… 

It weighs on me that these two careless girls and many more like them are going to be out in the world reaking havoc on someone else’s already low self esteem…. 

I’m insanely passionate and infinity invested in this because I want to shorten the amount of time another person spends suffering with feelings like I did. 

I know the stars of the show were the two girls…. but really I think they just brought about more awareness to me at just how much work there is to do. 

It makes me want to go out and love harder… and rival their shitty crap they fling everywhere like its confetti.

It makes me want to share more of my authentic story and my struggles and successes in hopes that it helps someone else out of the darkness… 


I want to illustrate how things come full circle by finishing the story with the girls. 

The mother of one of them finally showed up. And instantly things made sense to me… 

She was so rude to how she spoke to her daughter while haphazardly wandering towards them on her cell phone. She was CLEARLY annoyed at them for taking too long and didn’t exercise any restraint in showing it… 

My heart ached for the daughter…. instantly the high that they were on from making fun of me was gone and she herself was humiliated by her mother and you could literally see her deflate… 

And here comes the moral of the story…. 

Hurting people, hurt other people. 

Let that sink in for a while. 

I know my knee jerk reaction after I recovered from being paralyzed was to go guns blazing on them…. but hate will never crowd out hate… 

I ended up praying hard for them… then after I seen the mother I prayed even harder. 

From a compassionate stand point I knew there was some underlying reason for their behavior and like the saying goes “ask and you shall recieve”… I got my answer when the mom showed up. 

She treated them with such disrespect that they turned around and heaved that on to the next person they seen…. 

Imagine things from the other perspective then….. What if the mother was more attentive, mindful and loving… What if she wasn’t glued to her iPhone. 

Which is it just me or does anyone else literally get the urge to shove the phones up peeps arses because peeps run into you because their necks are bent down glued to the screen… 

Man. Wake up people… wake up. 

I wrote a letter to my baby girl the night before about things I vowed to do for her so she knew she was loved AND so that she herself could go off and be an illumated light source as well… and after this incident I wanted to add more things to talk to her about… I guess I will have an ongoing dialogue with her ☺️ 

Why you ask?? Cause I’m bat shit crazy that’s why πŸ™ƒ 

No. Well yes, I’m crazy, but it’s because I feel so strongly that we have a huge responsibility for the energy we bring to the world. I simply want to over extend my part to counter act the mindless, careless behavior of others. And if that means making up non existent kids to be light workers, then so be it ✨

I see things from a perspective unlike many others and yesterday I seen this license plate…. 


In my heart and crazy brain I took that as confirmation that someone fluttering around was giving me as a 10 for my (mom) efforts πŸ™‚πŸ’™πŸ’«πŸŒˆ

Enough for now…. 

Extra love today… 

a. Danielle ✨

An open letter to my baby girl…Β 

Hello my sweet baby girl, it’s your mommy…. 

I’m writing to you even though you don’t exist, yet… And I am still unsure if you will even get to join me in this lifetime of mine. 

I do feel as though I have been preparing for you for a long, long time and want to articulate how much I love you. 

And because I love you I want to make some very special vows to you….. 

These are up and above the normal call of mommy duty. 

I want to tell you a little about me so you can see why the vows I am about to make to you are so important to me… 

You don’t know much about me or what my past has consisted of but I want to tell you that I spent a great number of years enduring suffering of the worst kind at the hands of the person that I thought was supposed to love and cherish me the most. 

I trusted him to protect me instead of being the one that slowly destroyed me from the inside out in a methodical soul torturing and raping way. 

I was an empty shell of a person by the time things had run their course. I didn’t know up from down, I didn’t know who I was or what I even stood for or believed in. 

I was unsure most days how I was even going to get out of bed and face whatever the world was going to throw at me the next day. I was deflated and empty inside. 

Any morsel of self esteem, feelings of worth, or confidence I had prior to that relationship were ripped to shreds and unrecognizable.

Why am I telling you this sad story??

It’s because something so profoundly transformational that I have learned in my healing journey that has saved my life. 

It has given me a new, incredibly beautiful outlook on life. It’s made life sparkly where it was previously only dull and lackluster. Colors are much more vibrant, love is so much sweeter… The air is crisper and the sun feels so insanely delicious on my skin…  I can breath and I feel a fire inside me unlike anything I have ever felt before… 

What I am talking about my sweet baby girl is having a strong and unshakable, unpermeable barrier of self love. 

I will elaborate but I want to make absolutely clear that I am not demonizing the person I was with that “loved” me the way he did…  

I actually thank God for him multiple times a day. It’s through that chapter of my life that has given me my toolbox to be able to show up and walk in my purpose. 


You see sweetheart…. IF I had loved me like I should have from the very beginning…. I would have NEVER accepted what I allowed my poor heart and soul to go through. 

It’s because I was looking for love in all things outside of me that set me up for failure from the start. In fact, one could argue that I didn’t love myself very much, if any at all.

Not only did I not love myself but I didn’t respect myself at all either. This put me in predicaments where others would treat me the same way as I believed about myself on the inside. 

And this is why I want to make certain vows to you so that you are set up for so much more success than I was. 

As your mommy I don’t know what I would do if I knew you had to experience for one moment the torment that I had… 

I vow to do everything in my power to create an environment where your uniqueness is not only celebrated but nourished to grow and shine brighter than you can even dream possible.

Want to dye your hair purple??!? Fuck it! Do it! I’ll probs join you πŸ™‚ In fact now that you mention that my Pinterest has ooodles of pins of purple hair ideas…. Why? Because I love myself hard enough that it simply no longer bothers me what other people think about normal or what they say or feel about me βš“οΈ 

Back to your vows… 

I want to give you an environment where you can flourish and grow healthy self esteem, and confidence in yourself and your abilities. I want to teach you that stumbling and failing is an SUCH an important part of life and that in no way shape or form makes YOU a failure. 

I pray that I create an environment that you learn to love and embrace the differences in others and that you are such a light worker that your essence helps ignite and pull the greatness out of others. 

 But mostly I want to make sure you understanding the importance of loving yourself. 

When we love ourselves properly and fully we know what it feels like when others offer us less than. We can feel it immediately and learn how to peacefully remove ourself and let go of that person and hold the space for someone that is a better fit. 

When we love ourself we learn that it’s ok to be single. We don’t try and make others “complete” us or fill voids in us. Not only does this not work but it puts unnecessary strain on the other person. 

When we love ourselves and are humbly confident in who we are, we are more resilient when someone tries to feed our heads with lies about us… 


And when the days come that you start questioning yourself and you start to feel lonely – because those days will come – I want you to bring it back to center and realize that you are a complete and perfectly loved being on your own.  

I love you more than you can comprehend… and if you start doubting your own self love, you also have someone else very important that loves you more than I can and even more than you can love you…. 

What a beautiful, peaceful feeling that is isn’t it? 

You are going to move mountains my child. Purple hair and all πŸ’œ

I will write more to you later to demonstrate the numerous yet simple and profound ways you can love yourself. 

But I am tired. Like, my peepers are burning out of my head, tired. πŸ˜–

While I am not a mommy to real babies yet, I do create life with words and they always want to come alive at real inopportune times… Like 2 and 3 am πŸ™‚βœ¨πŸ’«πŸŒ€

All my love…. Every ounce of it… 

Your mommy πŸ™‚

We are not in Kansas anymore Toto πŸŒͺπŸ–€πŸΎβš“οΈ

These are my ruby slippers. 


If you notice in most of my pictures on any social media platform my tootsies (πŸ‘£) are the leading character. 

This had gone unnoticed by me until a dear friend of mine pointed it out one day. 

I am constantly taking pictures of my foodies because cooking and eating are a passion of mine. 

Photo documenting things to share for the greater good is another. πŸ’•

Once he pointed it out to me I had an epiphany of sorts. In my untrained marketing and self branding brain I thought to myself that I will keep including my tootsies in photos because they are pretty flipping cute 😌 Kiddin 😜 

But because I’m weird and do weird shit – consistently. And this last year has been a major transformative year for me to fully step into my new found courage and bravery to proudly wave my weird flag πŸŽ‰

So tootsies in every photo it is!!! πŸ™‚

I am consciously and intentionally growing into a place where I want to celebrate and nurture not only my special (read: crazy-ass 😜) uniqueness (weirdness) but I want to celebrate and encourage those around me to do the same. 

How liberating is it to finally feel free enough to be our true selves no matter how off the beaten path it may be. ✨


I have learned from reflecting on my failed marriage the value of being our TRUE selves and allowing the right people to enter our life and love us as we are. 

Enter: MAJOR Ass sigh of relief. ☺️ Mmmmmkay 😌

It serves no one to make ourselves small to fit into some Pre-made box so that we can gain the approval and love of others. 

I have also learned in the reflection of this last 18 months or so that it is SOOOOO okay for people to fall out of our world AND to let that happen gracefully. 

People AND things. It’s OK to let them go. Trust me. They clear spaces for more beautiful and amazing things that are vibrating closer to our newfound sparkly vibe to enter and encourage growth within us instead of draining us. πŸ’«


I know now that I am not meant for everyone. And I don’t want to be. I’m doing something terribly wrong if that were the case. I am FREE from people pleasing HALLELUJAH!!!! πŸŽ‰

In order for me to arrive at this level of peace and acceptance I have really had to do some soul searching. πŸŒͺπŸŒͺπŸŒͺ

I had to go in the vault of shitty shit and stare some monsters in the face, acknowledge their existence, accept them for all that they are, and surrender them peacefully. 

I’m talking about our shadow side. We ALLLLLLL have it. I will write ABUNDANTLY on that topic in my future writing adventures. πŸ–€πŸŒͺ➰

I am vehemently passionate about bringing awareness to our shadow as I KNOW this is the key to living a grace filled, joyful, abundant life REGARDLESS of our adversities. But most importantly BECAUSE of our adversities. 🀘🏾🀘🏾🀘🏾

So here’s the cliff notes to attaining emotional freedom by acknowledging and working through our shit. 

Say you have a full glass of water. To the top full. Say it’s muddy as hell… dingy, sad, lifeless dull and has no spark. 

You try and put more clean water in it but your unable to. Fresh water goes in but just gets mixed with the muddy water that’s already in there. So now you have some mediocre dinge.

You have to get the murky yucky water completely out so you can fill it with beautiful fresh, clear, crisp water. 

This is how our shadow works. Until we truly acknowledge, accept and surrender (let go) of our deep repressed emotions without being dishonest to ourselves and sugar coating shit, boozing over the feelings and numbing ourselves with whatever drug of choice we go with – we are not free. 

 

I can tell you from my own journey of practicing this concept of letting go that it has single handedly been the most amazing catalystic transformative tool I could dream of and more. πŸ’™πŸŒˆπŸŒ€

I have an increased self awareness of my value and worth. And I’m not talking about some cocky, narcissistic (do we know one of these guys πŸ˜‰) kinda way. 

No. I’m talking about coming from a compassionate, accepting, loving and humble, caring kind of way. 

It’s ignited a fire inside of me to examine how I can use myself and my journey for the benefit of those around me. 

And this is all hunky doory… But the MOST incredible side effect to embracing and celebrating all the conglomeration of messy, ugly and sparkly imperfect perfection that is inside of me is that I can now see with crystal visions (Shout out to my girl Stevie Nicks on that one πŸŒŸπŸ’«πŸ€˜πŸΎπŸŽ‰) these beautiful amazing things in others. 

And I’m talking clear as day see it. And I can see that they don’t even know it’s there themselves and that’s the most amazing, encouraging part. πŸ’•

I’ve become obscenely passionate about helping others see the goodness that is in them and has been inside them the entire time without recognizing it.

Maybe over the years life has happened to them and their inner spark has dimmed and they have numbed themselves out with the daily grind. 

That’s where my ruby slippers come in. πŸ™‚ 

Remember in the movie Witchy Oz (aka Wizard of Oz) the good witch Glinda helped Dorothy see that she had all she needed to get back to Kansas inside her the entire time. ✨ 

She just had to believe in herself…..  The ruby slippers she didn’t even need….. 

See where I am going with this?????? 

I feel I have been tasked to help others realize their beauty and to find their inner spark again. 

And I (somehow) just know I am more than capable of doing so. 


It’s because I have actually started loving myself that I feel able to show others the way to that. 

It’s a known fact that we cannot give what we do not possess ourselves. 

And what this means for me sadly is that up until now when I have finally cut the bullshit and rolled up my sleeves and did the dirty work to self redemption…. that I haven’t truly ever loved before. 

It has to start with loving ourselves. πŸ’• 

What this also means is that going forward everything is going to be that much sweeter for me and those around me. πŸ’•

The thought of this coming year is so damn exciting to me that I can’t even contain myself. 

So much that I was woken up at 2:53am to write about it whilst Snib is laying on my arm snoring away. πŸ™‚

He’s my happy place. πŸ–€πŸΎπŸ–€πŸ–€


Enough for now…. 

All my love… every last ounce of it… 

a. Danielle ❣️

Binge eating πŸ–€

I remember the first time I discovered I could get rid of the massive amount of food I just binged on by vomitting my brains out.

I stumbled upon it by mere accident really. I had (quietly) been suffering from binge eating disorder for some time by then.

I had just had another episode and once the high and rush and euphoria of the binge wore off and the come down started, Β it brought with it all the yucky lower vibrational feels like shame, guilt remorse, disgust and self hate, and on and on and….. You get the point.

I fucking hated myself.

I was miserable. Inside and outside. I was stuffed so full I was going to explode. It hurt so terribly that time that I actually had to rush to the bathroom and barely made it to the toilet before I barfed my brains out. I think I vomited so hard the mere shred that was left of my soul at that point came flying out also.

I had burst blood vessels in my eyes when I finally got up and washed my face brushed my teeth and looked at the mirror.

And then it happened.

The precise moment in my life where my disordered eating was about to make friends with a whole new monster.

I discovered that I could actually binge and get the enjoyment (using that word loosely) out of it AND turn around and get rid of the food and the shitty feelings associated with the binge immediately?????

Score. 🀘🏾

I felt ecstatic. On top of the world. Like I won the lottery. I felt like I had just discovered the fountain of youth. I felt like I had found some secret shortcut to happy.

And I equated the purging of the food with Β  disposing of all the yucky self loathing, shame and guilt feels getting flushed right down the toilet with it! Right?!??

WRONG. Terribly fucking wrong.

Fast forward a bit.

I was high on life. Stiff suffering silently in the miserable hell that was my marriage but at least I had THIS!

GLORIOUS this!!!

What in the actual fuck??????

My most prized possession was barfing. Does that help illustrate the nature of the beast for you???

I had my drug of my binges to soothe and drown out the horrible reality of the abuse I was suffering from at the perverbial hands of my husband AND I had the power and control to flush away other emotions that I didn’t want and the over abundance of food I didn’t need….

I was binging and purging probably daily. I got so good at I actually stunned myself. I can be quite intelligent sometimes πŸ™ƒ

I found tricks to help the food come up faster and easier without the burning (milk anyone). I had it to where I knew which foods would be harder to get out and which ones would cause the blood vessels to pop.

I saved those meals for the days Mr. Good was at the fire station so he wouldn’t notice the burst blood vessels.

And that in and of itself is a funny as hell because he never even looked at me anyway by this point in the game. πŸ™‚

I found a shortcut in life. But as with any shortcut they eventually creep up on you and backfire.

You see at that point I hadn’t established a spiritual relationship of any sort. With God or anything.

Because if I had… I wouldn’t have been abusing my body so terribly as I had been doing.

I wouldn’t have been dancing with the devil and draping myself with lethal doses of self hatred and the piles of guilt and shame that come with the monster that is disordered eating.

We are given this one body to house our soul and our inner workings and all the things that make us the beautiful beings that we are.


We are not supposed to abuse it.

That is NOT the way God intended for us to live. I see this more precisely now the more I continue to grow closer to and walk with Him… frolick may be a better word. πŸ™‚ Barefoot of course, with flowers in our hair and beautiful sunlight kissing our skin with butterflies fluttering all around us πŸ¦‹

😳

See how quickly I get distracted by shiny things πŸ™‚πŸ™ƒπŸ’«

When I write my story and share these things the messages come to me in a way I cannot explain. These stories are usually things I have locked away in the vault never to be looked at or seen again.

But that’s of course, not why God gave these experiences to me.


For some reason with this story I cannot access the parts of it where I can explain and show you how I came to my senses. It’s not clear to me right now and I am going to just let it be.
It will come to me when it needs to.

But I do know this:

I have been blessed beyond measure with the ability to be able to look back at these experiences in my life and see how they truly are gifts.

I have been given the gift to see things and feel things in a way that’s much more deep than others are simply not open to or awakened to yet.

I have been given the gift of using words as an art to give new life and a voice to the experiences that have shaped me and to use the experiences and my art to help others through similar tribulations.


If anyone is on my snap chat you will see I am constantly posting pictures of my meals. There is a purpose behind this.

You see once the monster of disordered eating has resided in your soul it truly never really leaves. Recovery from it is a constant journey. I have to be diligent because I am aware of my triggers and I am keenly aware that if I let my guard down the monster may rear it’s ugly head again.

But it gives me passion and a fire like no other to fight for and be a light for others that suffer silently.


The thing about the disorder is that is houses a lot of guilt and shame. And those devils like to keep you silent because then it gives them power to grow.

Those emotions that are allowed to reside in your body will manifest themselves in the form of illness, disease, depression etc….

Nothing positive or beautiful comes from housing those feelings. So my hope is that anyone reading this who is touched by it because they suffer silently – know you are not alone.

Know you are SOOOOOOOO worthy of love and joy and living a full amazing life free from the grips of this asshole monster.

I love that this story wanted to be shared with you because it just so happens that last night my aunt ran into one of my favorite inspirational women Brene Brown at the airport on her way to march in DC.

Brene has dedicated her life to dissecting the inner most workings of shame.

She encourages us to be brave with our lives. And that’s what this chapter in my life I feel is about. It’s to get vulnerable with my ouchies and develop the courage to make magic with them.


I want this for you too.

Enough for now….

All my love….

a. Danielle ❣️

My twin babies πŸ’•

Welp. Just entered my 35th year of life and couldn’t be more excited πŸ’«πŸŽ‰πŸ”₯πŸ’›

I actually caught myself thinking that I may finally be getting a grasp on this whole “life” thing that some of us get to experience πŸ˜†

Then I laughed and laughed and went on with my merry little flutters cause I knew that was a bunch of honky bullshit πŸŒͺ I still haven’t a clue πŸ™ƒ And not a remote sign of a grasp on ANYTHING ☺️

Sooooooo what brings us here today you ask πŸ™‚

I have a secret.

Not many of you know this secret but for some reason it’s wanting to come alive and my writing is going to give it its voice…

I want to talk about my twins.

Yes… We are talking real life people (not to be confused with critter animal) babies.

The twins I always knew I wanted since I played house as a little girl… In fact I knew I wanted twins and one more baby that I already set my mind I was going to adopt.

The twins I don’t have. Because I don’t have any kids at all…

Some of you that know me from old life may recall me always saying things like I hated kids…. or if I could fling my ovaries into oncoming traffic I would…

Those were lies and couldn’t be further from the truth. It was easier for me to say those things and IMMEDIATELY put an end to any further conversations about me having kids – than it was to look you in the face and tell you the horrible truth that was my life. That behind closed doors in my home and what should have been the sanctity of my marriage… Β my heart and soul was getting raped each night by my husband and that my daily goal was on purely trying to survive…

I KNEW with every ounce of me that I would not be able endure what I was going through AND be able to properly care for and nurture another precious life and soul. It would have been irresponsible of me on epic levels.

I made a pact to myself when my first niece was born – that if I couldn’t protect my babies better than my mother protected me and my siblings- I would NEVER bring a child into this world…

This is me and dead mom…Β 

We have some things to iron out still… And in due time I’m sure those things will heal.

But this ditty isn’t about the brutality of my marriage or the fact that I may or may not have uttered that if anyone should have been banned from procreating – it would be dead mom. πŸ˜•

It’s more about how we view obstacles and seeing how the pieces of our puzzle are all fitting together… Β And letting go of attachments to specific outcomes that we want OUR way… And using our experiences that have shaped us for the greater good of everyone. πŸ–€

I see now that I had to go through everything I did to transform into what I am today. I see why I had to shelf my dreams of twins and the fun pregnancy pictures with my husband standing behind me with his arms around me holding my hands in his on my belly in a pretty nature scene… πŸ’›

At first I thought that big guy upstairs gave me dead mom (and the childhood that came with that) and Mr. Good to punish me and that He wasn’t this just, loving being that everyone preached and tried to jam down my throat….

I am now seeing those things as blessings.


Not only are we responsible for our own energy and what we put out into the world…. Β We have the ultimate responsibility as parents to help guide our babies into being loving, caring sources of light and love.

I see now how my physically present but cold hearted mother that basically forsaked her own children in her quest for being loved – has effected my life.

I see with glaring clarity as I reflect on being discarded by her… and how that programmed my brain to put me in other situations where I would be discarded as easily… Β My marriage…

I’m not blaming her. Β In fact I have conpassionatley come to terms with why she did the things she did- and that’s because she just wanted to be loved. We all do.

But what does this have to do with anything????

Come a bit further with me…. πŸ’«

Has my mother hood ship sailed??? I have not a clue. What I do know is this:

I can take my shelfed dreams and what I have learned in reflection of my life and use it for creative solutions to create a better existence for anyone in my path – directly or indirectly.

I am not going to waste a single moment wallowing in how things didn’t go my way or slip into any other victim mentality.

On a side note if you need an AMAZING book that will give you inspiration for overcoming obstacles and opening up a whole new mindset…. This:


Back to where we were…

I know I have been guided and asked to shelf things and go through my suffering and let go of outcomes I wanted because there is a far bigger purpose for me.

Spoiler alert: there’s a big amazing purpose for you, also. πŸ˜‰ Whether you know it or believe it yet or not.

I have this insatiable desire to assist in anyway I can to help reduce suffering and show how it’s possible to live a full, joyous life REGARDLESS of our trials and tribulations… and actually BECAUSE of them β˜ΊοΈπŸ’›πŸŒŸπŸ’«πŸŽ‰

Furthermore, I feel insanely passionate about protecting children and their precious PRECIOUS innocent spark. Β We are all born with it but somehow along the way it gets dimmed or shut off completely either by our own internal dialogue and sugar plums or how we allow external forces to influence and dictate how we should or should not be…

So while I am entering my 35th year on this earth with no signs of being a mother that I can see as of yet – I have to ask myself how can I use this for good and not let it weigh me down.


I will be more mindful when I am around children and babies to make sure I’m fully present for them when it is their time – and in a respectful way. I will be the loving presence that I so badly yearned for when I was a little girl but never got.

I will do my best to fan their creative spark and make sure to celebrate their uniqueness in the attempt to have them recognize it in themselves and hold on to it for dear life.

I want to do these things because I don’t want anyone to have to spend years or decades of their lives trying to undo damage done to them. I don’t want to have anyone wake up one day and realize their life is passing them by and they have done nothing to feed their passions or desires and they are merely getting dragged along by life.

I will continue to be open to what is being asked of me and have faith that by doing so I will be rewarded with things far greater than I could have dreamed πŸ¦‹

I continued to be blown away by life and I love when you have an aha moment when you realized that someone or something was strategically placed in your life… and that reason presents itself to you. πŸ’•

I was inspired by a friend of mine that I only know through Mr. Good. Somehow she didn’t drop off because when you get divorced you lose some people also…

I LOVE her soul because she’s always validated things I needed to hear at exactly the right time when I felt that no one would understand what I went through.

She shared her pregnancy story of her twins and some of the trials she experienced. But she also shared that she used to go buy clothes for children that she didn’t have yet…..

And that inspired me to think about doing the same thing. Β And as luck or God would create it… my church just so happened to have a pajama drive that same week. They accepted pajama donations for children or adults to take to them in hospitals etc to help them feel better and comforted. πŸ’›

So I went into Super Target and got “my twins” some jammies.


My heart is set on fire knowing that I am helping someone else feel better so the church pajama drive was insane divine timing. πŸ’«

But this is how I see things are all tied together more than we give credit to behind the scenes. By sharing her personal story it inspired me to take positive action instead of moping.

I know I am on the right path because the pajama drive was so nostalgic for my soul. πŸŒͺ So the one incidence served so many purposes for my heart.

The more I walk in faith the more I am rewarded in different more beautiful ways than I ever anticipated.

I also know I am on the right path because the same day after buying and delivering the jammies I started shitting out lucky heads up pennies β˜˜οΈπŸ€β˜˜οΈπŸ€


If that’s not validation I’m on track I don’t know what is πŸ™‚

My small hope for us is this…. I pray that we take the time to get quiet with ourselves so that we clear out some noise and open up the lines of communication from God or higher powers…. However you choose to word it.

I pray that as we do that we start to recognize and clearly see when God (or whatever you believe in) is talking to us or guiding us… The more you practice this the more prevalent the incidents and more in flow the communication becomes. It utterly blows my mind how shut off and blind to it I was before.

Enough for now.

All my love…

a. Danielle ❣️

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Β 

NYE Mourning πŸ€”

I have been SOOOO excited about this new year and have put a lot of hype into it. This past year I have done massive amounts of learning and growing and for the first time in maybe ever πŸ™ƒ I am truly truly looking forward to seeing what I co- create for my life in 2017. 

My birthday is January 6th πŸŽ‰ I’ll be 35 and I know without a grain of doubt that I am by far the most happy and balanced and peaceful and serene, content, growing, glowing, enlightened (the list goes on and on πŸ’›) that I have ever felt ever ever in my life. EVER. 

Got that 😜

New Years Eve day started off remarkably. I have established baseline routine habits for my own wellness (read: sanity 😌) that help me navigate my days. 

I got a great night sleep Friday night which I am learning sleep is absolutley a key item for me to function optimally. 

We started off with an amazing workout Saturday morning which can be hit or miss during this time of the year because the revolutionaries fill the gyms up… the kids on school break and more people taking time off in general – the gyms are busier which is AMAZING for the compassionate wellness enthusiast that is carved in my bones – but horrific for the selfish, impatient little punk broad that I can be when people are sitting on machines on Facebook on their phones πŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺπŸ”ͺ

Little off track there. 😜.  But amazing workout. Gym wasn’t overly crowded. And for me I will always preach that the mental, spiritual and therapeutic benefits of working out are always primary to the actual physical benefits I receive as well. If you didn’t read between the lines there I’ll cliff note that for you: If I don’t workout out the chances of me murdering someone increase by 9373728394 bazillion gagillion percent πŸ™‚ Especially geared at the people that go in the self check out lane at the grocery store and take their sweet ass time mmmmmkay 😌 

 

Those are my new wheels and post workout. I won’t tell you what I was debating here… but it may or may not have had something to do with Mimosas or Bloody Mary’s πŸ™ƒ 

Next I had to tackle the grocery store 😳 This is how I that the devil is very much alive and well on this physical plane – because I have been known to park, sit in my car for a bit… and actually drive off and leave if I’m not feeling the grocery store or any store for that matter 😜 And who invented those huge ass grocery carts in the shape of cars for kids that block me in the aisles for decades at a time trapped with no where to escape?!!?  Only Satan himself – that’s who 😜 

Dramatic much???? NOPE 😌

I made it inside the store this trip. AND super pumped because my newest adventure was attempting my first prime rib on New Years Day πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸ’« Because I love playing with meat β˜ΊοΈπŸ™ƒπŸ€£ 

WTF??? Who says that shit really 😜 And why on earth am I so feisty at 5am 😳 These are the types of days that actually alarm ME about me πŸ™‚πŸ™ƒπŸ’ƒπŸΏπŸ’ƒπŸΏπŸ’ƒπŸΏ

Here’s a snap shot into the gloriously happy place that is my grocery cart. 


I love the grocery store. With no people’s in it πŸ™‚ 

This is what I look like when I’m high as a kite after an amazing workout and when I actually make it IN the grocery store AND don’t  brutally assault (in my head – not in actual real life πŸ™„) anyone and the weather is so beautiful I can have my sunroof open πŸ’«πŸ’›πŸŒŸπŸŽ‰


Got home unpacked the groceries and had a little snack with my little Weeble friend that is fond of snacks himself πŸ™ƒ


Everything was moving flawlessly.

Then all the sudden “it” happened πŸ™ I phrase it like that because I am not exactly sure what on God’s green earth to call it – but a definite mood shift occured. 

I never had definitive plans for NYE. I knew they would NOT be including going out in the busy overly peopled anything places in public. I cannot place my finger on it but I was indecisive and as the day ticked on – I was not feeling it AT ALL. 

A sort of melancholy kinda took over and let me tell you how frightening that is- after ALL the good shit I’d filled my day with – and now this? 

I’m trying to get better about listening to my inner guidance and honoring myself and MY needs first and foremost. Not for being selfish – but for self love practice. πŸ’›

I could have probably white knuckled it and gone over to any of my friends or families houses that invited me – but I could million percent guarantee you I would have been off kilter. I just know these things. I am truly an introvert and being in groups of people no matter how fiercely I love and adore them – drains me of my crazy energy. I require recharge time. I have finally learned and accepted that about me – instead of fighting against it.. πŸ’› 

But this was different – this was a heavy feeling. I couldn’t even trick my best friend of my inner turmoil when I stopped at her house to grab her library card to go print something off. 

I spent the rest of my evening with a few hours at work- which was bizarre as HELL that that was a place of refuge for me- but maybe the calming effect of being productive was good for my soul. 

I took myself out to my favorite Mexican place. And worked on a goal setting worksheet as I (shoveled) delicately ate chips and cheese and (chugged) sipped on their delicious margarita delights πŸ™ƒ 


Got home and got in bed with my main squeeze and vanished into dream world for the night. 

It wasn’t until later the next day I reflected on why the hell that morose mood swooped in on me. 

What I came up with was this: 

As excited as I was about all the new beginnings on the horizon I neglected to properly address that means that other things had to come to an end… 

Follow me here. 

In simple terms… For example I have been weeding my friend and people garden because I simply am unable to function on a higher level with people that are toxic to me in my life. I do not wish ill on them- quite opposite actually – I accept that I must love them – from a distance and quietly move away. 

I have had to let go of people, of habits, of old methods of thinking – NUMEROUS things- that even though I know with every ounce of my being are NOT GOOD for me or us… but we continue to hold the death grip on them….  I am being asked to let them go… 

It was all exciting at first… until the old habits and old way of living weren’t on board with getting the axe. 

I also know without a grain of doubt that I am being asked to step up into an much bigger role than I have previously assumed in my first 34 years on earth…. And how AMAZING that is – it also scares the living fuck out of me. Eeeek 😣

That means more purposeful responsibility… it means stepping up and filling in roles that I am being guided to.. it means putting my truest most authentic version of me out there – where let’s be honest – there are some straight up DICKHEAD, malicious people still lurking around watching you wanting to make sure you fail… 

But I have to step up and let go. Why??? 

Mmmmmm if you find out can you let me know??? Because all I can say is that I just know it’s time. πŸ™‚ I am assuming I’ll figure out the details as time goes on. I’m just figuring out how to trust this thing called faith – and roll with it πŸ™ƒ

So back to the melancholy. 

Letting go. The theme I think of this chapter of my life. 

It’s hard shit. I don’t know about you but anything I ever let go of has had claw marks on it because letting go (of good or bad things) has never been my forte…. (ie: letting go of the hell that was my marriage πŸ˜”). 

I think right when we are about ready to go to the next level… in anything… weight loss… cutting an addiction out… anything like that, our old ways want to swoop in and throw one more big tantrum because they liked residing in us.  Can you blame them ☺️ We are good shit 😌

And even though these things are not for our highest good – I truly feel like I had to have a mourning period for shedding some skin of a version of me that is no longer going to be existent. 

And it’s crazy because at first I was so hard on myself… How can I feel shitty with alllllll ALLLLLLL these exciting things on the horizon???? What on earth is my problem 😣😣😣

But this is an undeniable truth- we have to honor the dark side in us too. We simply cannot shut it out (drink drugs shop gamble eat etc). 

It’s what makes us whole. Whether we like it or not. 


I simply had to have a small funeral of sorts for some parts of me that I am leaving behind. And now I’m ok with it. I’m ok with everything actually. Starting with the fact that I was intuitive enough to listen to the signals my body was sending me when it was telling me I needed to chill out and reflect on some shit. 

And I feel more energized and renewed and alive and in flow than before. 

So that must be the trick? Right before you are ready to emerge into your next more AMAZING version of you – you must fight through that last hurrah tantrum of old yuck that’s weighing us down. And it’s in the letting go that actually renews and energizes us. Damn. That’s some shit right there. πŸ’œ 

Enough for now. 

I’ll leave you with this. This guy is a pure source of light for me and I am truly blessed and honored that I was picked to be his human. 

This was us on NYE. Getting ready to ditch some old crap and transform into a better version of ourselves. ❣️ 


All my love… 

a. Danielle ❣️

My take on why God allows bad things to happen to us…

This weekend I had a cooking date night with my seester in law. Whilst we were waiting for the food to cook we got wrapped up in (all the spritzers 😜) conversation that went all over the board. One topic has stuck with me though and I haven’t been able to let it go since… 

Instead of fighting it I knew I needed to roll up my sleeves, set up shop and do some work on it.

I don’t recall the exact details of how we arrived at this point in the conversation but the question that came flinging out on the table was something like “Well then, why does God let bad things happen?” 

Well isn’t that a show stopping zinger… 😐 

Now it’s time for my favorite part of this game… digging in the vault that is my past and stirring up some yuck… 


My childhood relationship with God sucked. In all honesty I hated Him. More like fucking despised…  Allllllllllllll these people hailed Him as wonderful and yet on a daily (maybe hourly) basis I sat and wondered what I had done to be handed the life I had and the absolutle SHIT that came with it…. 

My childhood and growing up was tumultuous at best.. I was raised by wolves and my peepers and little soul experienced SHIT that no one should have to and even that’s sugar coating it. We will work through that one day… Today is not that day. 

I often expressed my distaste and disgust towards God openly and freely. EVERYONE is entitled to their own opinions and feelings. And at the time I felt my feelings were warranted. 

Growing up I often visited churches with friends or even a long time catholic boyfriend. Those experiences left me further disgusted and even more distanced than ever from wanting to bridge the gap and explore a relationship with God.

As luck and a lot of piss poor choices would have it I landed myself in the biggest SHIT storm, rock bottomest place I could find myself in my life. 

I had rocked through a year of 3 of my mom peeps (dead mom, gma and my beloved mother in law) dying within 7 months to the day almost to the hour apart from each other… followed by the era of drinking and drugging myself with prescription drugs… then topped with my marriage going up in flames and the slew of fun details that came along with that escapade.  πŸ™‚ Good times had by all I’m telling ya. 

To say I was down and out would be a gross understatement. To say I could get out of that mess myself would be an even larger gross understatement of epic proportions. 

Now here’s will it gets a little woo wooey πŸ’«πŸ’«πŸ’« 

Randomly out of the blue an old high school friend messaged me about her church she attends. She must have caught me at a weak moment due to pure exhaustion from the state of my current life because I didn’t even put up any of the bullshit front that I had grown so used to doing when church or anything God was pushed in my face. 😌

This is where I believe a million gazillion percent in divine timing… I had to be where I was mentally, spiritually and emotionally (circling the drain) in order to be open to hearing what she was saying to me. I asked her a few more questions about the vibe of the church but I trusted her that she would not lead me astray… we’d gone on more than our share of adventures as kids and I knew she knew what my insides were made of. 

It took me a few weeks but one day I strolled in to attend church by myself and it was absolutely one of the top most pivotal moments of my life. πŸ’™ 

Everything and I mean EVERYTHING was perfect. The vibe… the down to earth feel… the music was off the charts! They played a Doobies Brothers song. I was home 🀘🏾 

The pastor was perfect. I have less than zero knowledge of anything bible story related. I simply was never submerged in that growing up. You can talk and talk to me all day long dropping names and stories out of the bible and I will not have a damn clue what your saying to me. πŸ™ƒ

But pastor Craig delivered the message with humor and broke it down into how we can live and apply it to everyday life. 

When you recognize that someone is living their true life purpose it’s so incredible to me. Stunning actually. And he absolutely is. And he does it impeccably. It actually gives me goosebumps thinking about and fills my heart with immense joy. I could write novels about the magnitude at which he’s changed MY life simply by doing what God made him for. 


Now. For my take on why God allows bad things to happen. Had I not experienced life precisely as I had and gone through the trials and straight up honky bullshit that I have – maybe I would have a different perspective and answer about this. 

I also know I had to do the precise spiritual and emotional growing and soul searching that I have been doing in these past years to be able to arrive at this conclusion. 

My answer is this. 

I believe God allows us to go through shitty raggedy shit that’s debilitating and drops us to our knees so that we can use our experiences to help others. 

Follow me. 

Had God not given me the insane gift of having a horrible husband picker… I wouldn’t have experienced the heart breaking things like self esteem issues.. feelings of unworthiness and breaking yourself trying to get the approval of someone you will never be good enough for.. 

Had I not been on that journey I wouldn’t have gone through disordered eating (milk so it doesn’t burn coming back up anyone πŸ˜–) and self loathing and blatant pure hating myself.. 

Still with me? 

Had He not given me the blessing that is my Mr. Good I wouldn’t have gotten to experience what it’s like to  fight with every ounce of my being for a marriage that was destroying me.. 

I would have never gotten to go through those experiences to fight my way out of and learn from and then to write about. 

I know that if I have experienced something of this nature someone else has also. I know how lonely and scary and horrible it can be and I refuse REFUSE to let anything I have gone through be in vain. 

It’s through my experiences I finally developed compassion. Compassion for me and everyone around me. I know with every ounce of my being that my heart and soul are both better for these “bad things”.  

I thank God for those gifts He gave me. Because now my work has only just begun. He gave them to me and only me because He trusted me and so that I can use them to help others. 


I will say this a trillion times in all my writing but we are truly more connected than we realize. 

Now the real deep shit… 

Why does God allow things to happen like babies dying????? 

My seester in laws baby niece passed away at only a few months old… within this past few weeks a cousin of mine had her teen daughter’s baby die from SIDs at only months old. 

How fucked up is THAT??? I don’t blame people for questioning God? Not with things like that happening… 

But how do we know that teen mom isn’t supposed to grow up and help other teen moms who may be experiencing the difficulties of judgemnt that an unaccepting society or even friends and family place on them.. How do we know she’s not going to be a catalyst to help others through the death of a baby and aid in the grieving of others following in her same shoes????? 

Maybe it’s written on her heart to educate others on SIDs… maybe she’s going to work to find a solution and prevention for it and save numerous other lives… How do we know??!!

See how God uses us?  It’s quite beautiful if you think about it. πŸ’œ

Here is what I know to be true. Bad stuff IS going to happen. There is nothing we can do about it. But it’s what we choose to do with those experiences that matter.  

I love where my seester in law is at in her thinking. At least she is thinking about it.  We are all on different places in our journey. And that’s what makes life so unique and crazy and messy and beautiful. 

I absolutely don’t feel it’s my job to try and change her mind or anyone’s mind for that matter. I think that by me continuing to focus on my own work and personal growth is enough.  I think by continuing to be a safe place by simply listening to and respecting others views and opinions and where they are is enough. 

We will all get to where we are supposed to be in perfect time and in our own (Im)perfect journey. 


Enough for now. 

All my love. ALL of it. 

a. Danielle ❣️