I have been SOOOO excited about this new year and have put a lot of hype into it. This past year I have done massive amounts of learning and growing and for the first time in maybe ever 🙃 I am truly truly looking forward to seeing what I co- create for my life in 2017.
My birthday is January 6th 🎉 I’ll be 35 and I know without a grain of doubt that I am by far the most happy and balanced and peaceful and serene, content, growing, glowing, enlightened (the list goes on and on 💛) that I have ever felt ever ever in my life. EVER.
Got that 😜
New Years Eve day started off remarkably. I have established baseline routine habits for my own wellness (read: sanity 😌) that help me navigate my days.
I got a great night sleep Friday night which I am learning sleep is absolutley a key item for me to function optimally.
We started off with an amazing workout Saturday morning which can be hit or miss during this time of the year because the revolutionaries fill the gyms up… the kids on school break and more people taking time off in general – the gyms are busier which is AMAZING for the compassionate wellness enthusiast that is carved in my bones – but horrific for the selfish, impatient little punk broad that I can be when people are sitting on machines on Facebook on their phones 🔪🔪🔪
Little off track there. 😜. But amazing workout. Gym wasn’t overly crowded. And for me I will always preach that the mental, spiritual and therapeutic benefits of working out are always primary to the actual physical benefits I receive as well. If you didn’t read between the lines there I’ll cliff note that for you: If I don’t workout out the chances of me murdering someone increase by 9373728394 bazillion gagillion percent 🙂 Especially geared at the people that go in the self check out lane at the grocery store and take their sweet ass time mmmmmkay 😌
Those are my new wheels and post workout. I won’t tell you what I was debating here… but it may or may not have had something to do with Mimosas or Bloody Mary’s 🙃
Next I had to tackle the grocery store 😳 This is how I that the devil is very much alive and well on this physical plane – because I have been known to park, sit in my car for a bit… and actually drive off and leave if I’m not feeling the grocery store or any store for that matter 😜 And who invented those huge ass grocery carts in the shape of cars for kids that block me in the aisles for decades at a time trapped with no where to escape?!!? Only Satan himself – that’s who 😜
Dramatic much???? NOPE 😌
I made it inside the store this trip. AND super pumped because my newest adventure was attempting my first prime rib on New Years Day 🎉🎉💫 Because I love playing with meat ☺️🙃🤣
WTF??? Who says that shit really 😜 And why on earth am I so feisty at 5am 😳 These are the types of days that actually alarm ME about me 🙂🙃💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿
Here’s a snap shot into the gloriously happy place that is my grocery cart.
This is what I look like when I’m high as a kite after an amazing workout and when I actually make it IN the grocery store AND don’t brutally assault (in my head – not in actual real life 🙄) anyone and the weather is so beautiful I can have my sunroof open 💫💛🌟🎉
Then all the sudden “it” happened 🙁 I phrase it like that because I am not exactly sure what on God’s green earth to call it – but a definite mood shift occured.
I never had definitive plans for NYE. I knew they would NOT be including going out in the busy overly peopled anything places in public. I cannot place my finger on it but I was indecisive and as the day ticked on – I was not feeling it AT ALL.
A sort of melancholy kinda took over and let me tell you how frightening that is- after ALL the good shit I’d filled my day with – and now this?
I’m trying to get better about listening to my inner guidance and honoring myself and MY needs first and foremost. Not for being selfish – but for self love practice. 💛
I could have probably white knuckled it and gone over to any of my friends or families houses that invited me – but I could million percent guarantee you I would have been off kilter. I just know these things. I am truly an introvert and being in groups of people no matter how fiercely I love and adore them – drains me of my crazy energy. I require recharge time. I have finally learned and accepted that about me – instead of fighting against it.. 💛
But this was different – this was a heavy feeling. I couldn’t even trick my best friend of my inner turmoil when I stopped at her house to grab her library card to go print something off.
I spent the rest of my evening with a few hours at work- which was bizarre as HELL that that was a place of refuge for me- but maybe the calming effect of being productive was good for my soul.
I took myself out to my favorite Mexican place. And worked on a goal setting worksheet as I (shoveled) delicately ate chips and cheese and (chugged) sipped on their delicious margarita delights 🙃
It wasn’t until later the next day I reflected on why the hell that morose mood swooped in on me.
What I came up with was this:
As excited as I was about all the new beginnings on the horizon I neglected to properly address that means that other things had to come to an end…
Follow me here.
In simple terms… For example I have been weeding my friend and people garden because I simply am unable to function on a higher level with people that are toxic to me in my life. I do not wish ill on them- quite opposite actually – I accept that I must love them – from a distance and quietly move away.
I have had to let go of people, of habits, of old methods of thinking – NUMEROUS things- that even though I know with every ounce of my being are NOT GOOD for me or us… but we continue to hold the death grip on them…. I am being asked to let them go…
It was all exciting at first… until the old habits and old way of living weren’t on board with getting the axe.
I also know without a grain of doubt that I am being asked to step up into an much bigger role than I have previously assumed in my first 34 years on earth…. And how AMAZING that is – it also scares the living fuck out of me. Eeeek 😣
That means more purposeful responsibility… it means stepping up and filling in roles that I am being guided to.. it means putting my truest most authentic version of me out there – where let’s be honest – there are some straight up DICKHEAD, malicious people still lurking around watching you wanting to make sure you fail…
But I have to step up and let go. Why???
Mmmmmm if you find out can you let me know??? Because all I can say is that I just know it’s time. 🙂 I am assuming I’ll figure out the details as time goes on. I’m just figuring out how to trust this thing called faith – and roll with it 🙃
So back to the melancholy.
Letting go. The theme I think of this chapter of my life.
It’s hard shit. I don’t know about you but anything I ever let go of has had claw marks on it because letting go (of good or bad things) has never been my forte…. (ie: letting go of the hell that was my marriage 😔).
I think right when we are about ready to go to the next level… in anything… weight loss… cutting an addiction out… anything like that, our old ways want to swoop in and throw one more big tantrum because they liked residing in us. Can you blame them ☺️ We are good shit 😌
And even though these things are not for our highest good – I truly feel like I had to have a mourning period for shedding some skin of a version of me that is no longer going to be existent.
And it’s crazy because at first I was so hard on myself… How can I feel shitty with alllllll ALLLLLLL these exciting things on the horizon???? What on earth is my problem 😣😣😣
But this is an undeniable truth- we have to honor the dark side in us too. We simply cannot shut it out (drink drugs shop gamble eat etc).
It’s what makes us whole. Whether we like it or not.
I simply had to have a small funeral of sorts for some parts of me that I am leaving behind. And now I’m ok with it. I’m ok with everything actually. Starting with the fact that I was intuitive enough to listen to the signals my body was sending me when it was telling me I needed to chill out and reflect on some shit.
And I feel more energized and renewed and alive and in flow than before.
So that must be the trick? Right before you are ready to emerge into your next more AMAZING version of you – you must fight through that last hurrah tantrum of old yuck that’s weighing us down. And it’s in the letting go that actually renews and energizes us. Damn. That’s some shit right there. 💜
Enough for now.
I’ll leave you with this. This guy is a pure source of light for me and I am truly blessed and honored that I was picked to be his human.
This was us on NYE. Getting ready to ditch some old crap and transform into a better version of ourselves. ❣️
a. Danielle ❣️