Turn up our self-love dial and watch shift happen ๐Ÿ™ƒ

“As I began to love myself my relationship with everyone changed” is one of the most profound concepts I have come across.

It’s incredibly transformative and yet so many of us haven’t the slightest grasp of what this means.

Our external relationships are a direct mirror to our relationship we have with ourselves.

An example of this is seen when a woman keeps meeting the same type of men that don’t treat her with an ounce of respect, makes her feel less than, devours any remaining sense of self worth, etc. She knows deep in a corner of her heart that it’s not the best but she settles.

This is a mirror of her relationship with herself and it illuminates the lack of self-love that she has for herself.

The guy is only offering her a means to show her that. But we don’t pay attention to these universal languages and concepts.

She attracts this same type of man because that is where her vibration or belief systems are at about herself.

She doesn’t respect herself because if she DID, she wouldn’t be with a man that treated her less than a fucking queen in the first place.

It’s not (entirely) her fault though. People, situations and other events slowly mold and shape us and we (subconsciously) start creating limiting beliefs about ourselves. These things slowly start taking us away from the our truth. Our truth is that we are valuable, worthy, unique beings that deserve all the love and light a person can handle and more.

We are told in various ways, verbal and nonverbal, direct and indirect, that we are unworthy so that’s what types of relationships we get into. The ones that prove that limiting belief in us right.

So then what do we do when we find ourselves in relationship like this?

We try and change THEM ๐Ÿ˜ณ

And we fail miserably, most likely destroying both of us and the relationship in the process of it.

Every time you find yourself spending time trying to figure another human out or trying to change another human it’s an opportunity to pause and turn our happy asses right around and go look in the mirror.

Every. Single. Time.

It’s the truth Ruth. And it sucks swallowing that bitter pill but, oh so worth it.

We have some faulty wiring in us that prohibits us from loving ourselves sometimes. Or we don’t think we should put ourselves first. We think it’s selfish. We establish a martyr like persona.

And it’s damaging our relationships with everything.

We need to look inward and start asking ourselves the important questions like how much did we love ourself today? How kind was I to myself? Did I sacrifice myself for another today for fear of disappointing them but ended up ultimately betraying me?

If we are feeling stressed how often do we pause, connect with ourselves and ask what it is we truly need in that moment?

No. We don’t most often because we are bad asses and we barrel through life tackling anything that it throws at us. Which totally rocks and that serves us well.

Until it doesn’t.

I invite you to start reflecting on your relationship with yourself. Do you speak down to yourself during the day and not even really notice it because it’s the norm?

Do you find yourself going insane trying to figure out your narcissistic ex that keeps toying you along?

Get to the mirror ASAP.

Figure out what is the most loving thing you can do for yourself. AND DO IT!!!

I will say I am an AVID IPA beer drinker and love my spritzers but this is one time where I will tell you that boozy treats are not an act of self love.

It doesn’t enrich our relationship with ourself. It numbs us to it.

When we start respecting ourselves and celebrating the monstrous things we have over come and using positive, empowering language during our self talk we will notice a change in dynamic around us.

Shift will happen ๐Ÿ™‚

Lots and lots of shift. ๐Ÿ™ƒ

My invitation for us is to turn inward and start assessing how we love and treat ourselves. This is NOT another opportunity to beat ourself up for coming to the realization that we are terrible to ourself.

It’s an opportunity to make amazing shift in your life.

When we commit to loving ourselves that’s throwing out a big, bold ass statement to everything around us that we are now more fully able to love them too!

But we must come first.

Enough for now.

Absolute (self) love โฃ๏ธ

a. Danielle

The scale can go fuck itself ๐Ÿ™ƒ

I’m not one to preach or write something that I don’t have experience with so when I tell you I have been in the trenches at war with myself and letting my happiness be dictated by the scale… I’m not exaggerating.

Not the slightest.

It’s awful how addicted or obsessive I was around that stupid thing. I remember many days being nervous to step on it and having the bottom drop out of my stomach when I would read the numbers.

The rest of the day I was in a down hill spiral of self loathing, self shaming, criticizing, judging etc.

Any way I could further devalue myself I did.

Actually as I write this I feel sick for how terrible I really did treat myself for all those years.

I think as women (and men’s too ๐Ÿ™‚) we need to be taught young in life that our value is NOT dictated by the shape of our body or the number on a scale.

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I recall asking my PE teacher in elementary school how many calories it took to burn 1 pound of fat…. The hook for disordered eating and body dysmorphia was set.

Fast forward to adulthood where my favorite flavor of disordered eating was binging and purging. Food became my companion. My friend. It was ALWAYS there for me.

But the thing about that type of love affair with food is that it’s most often laced with shame, guilt, self hatred and the like.

After years of binging and purging I arrived at what would be my spiritual rock bottom. I found myself in the discard phase of the narcissistic cycle.

Most the times during stress I would eat. But turns out when your losing your marriage and life as you know it and dealing with smear campaigns from hell: you lose your appetite.

I lost 30 lbs in a few weeks. My body started eating its own muscles for fuel. I was thin. I was ill.

BUT somehow I felt more worthy.

Fast forward to coming back from that and being healthy BUT being a prisoner to the scale! I would beat myself up the more the number on the scale crept up. It didn’t matter I was victorious because I was healthy and happy! I was unable to see that. I was blinded because of the stupid fucking scale.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
OOOOOOO much healthier in mind, body and soul than I was in the picture on the left.

But I couldn't appreciate what I seen in the mirror or that I FELT so much better because that damned number told me some bullshit lies.

The despair I was feeling got so heavy I knew I had to make a choice. I could choose to be prisoner to the scale or I could break up with it and make my focus and happiness on how I FELT not that number.

As with any change when your addicted/obsessive about something it was a bitch to kick the scale habit. I mean really hard. I studied habits and methods to change habits and have them stick and I am the all or nothing type of person. So I had to quit cold turkey.

And I never looked back. I'm free from being in-prisoned by the scale. I gauge where I am by how I feel when I try on my clothes. If they start feeling a little snug I make small adjustments in the daily life to afford me to get back to my good vibes right away.

I have never felt more free. Well, except when I got divorced from someone who didn't love or respect me I felt pretty fucking free and fabulous then too ๐Ÿค—

But I feel free. I dropped the war with myself. I'm easier on myself than I ever have been. And I think it's no coincidence that I am the most successful in terms of being healthful than I ever have been in my life.

I'm writing this because I was speaking with my girlfriend who was sharing her story and journey with weight watchers.

I know she's been wildly successful in the past using weight watchers and I am behind ecstatic to watch her journey back to health and to loving herself as she deserves to be loved.

But one thing really made my heart break when she was sharing her story. She said she went for weigh in this week and she "only lost half a pound".

My native language is energy before words and I could literally FEEL the defeat seeping from her when she spoke those words.

I KNOW first hand what lower vibrational feelings like despair can do for a person. They can make you give up.

So continued with her story saying how she had done "soooooo Good all week" but was like WTF at her weigh in.

I asked her what "did Good all week" translated into for her. She said she followed her nutrition as she should. Her jeans had started fitting loosely and sagging in her butt. She felt better all around.

When she was telling me this I could feel her excitement and hope but then she stepped on the STUPID MOTHERFUCKING SCALE.

And boom.

Just like that.

Every good, positive feeling she had about herself and her progress was killed.

She didn’t have to continue the story of how her week went after that because I know what happens when a person feels defeated.

She said she had a shitty week. She didn’t follow her Nutrition… she essentially said F it and gave up.

This is SO CRUCIAL and I want everyone to hear this:

Do not let the number on the scale mess with your progress. I know that most of us have it engrained in us that the scale is the only source to gauge our “success” but it’s not.

We have what’s referred to as Non-Scale victories. Aka NSV’s.

And these are your best friends. Your allies. They are there to help you in your journey so you don’t give up when the scale doesn’t budge.

NSV’s are your jeans fitting looser after you have been consistent in your journey. It’s FEELING good and being happy about feeling good. It’s about celebrating you choosing to make the ultimate commitment to yourself to love yourself enough to care for it properly.

They need to be celebrated.

I think I probably blacked out and don’t remember much else because it infuriates me to NO end seeing someone’s progress derailed by the scale.

But I have asked her to go back to how she thought and felt about herself prior to her weigh in. Source those good, positive enthusiastic vibes again.

Getting our mindset behind us is the secret to being a total flipping badass! It’s what I incorporate in my personal training and my go to when I do my transformative guiding.

It’s clutch.

We ALL have the ability to be wildly successful in anything we set our sights on.

I know my friend has got the most tenacious heart. I have no doubts that by her being mindful and diligent about her mindset going forward and working on celebrating her NSV’s along the way she’s going to knock her own socks off.

I want to scream this message from the roof tops though. Don’t just gauge your progress from the scale. Try on your clothes. See how they fit.

Step on the scale if you know about the anatomy and density of fat in relation muscle and understand what body composition means. If you can trust yourself not to be trailed by the scale not moving and keep your positive outlook, then have at it.

If you easily get derailed by the scale, let’s find another method to gauge yourself.

My go to is asking yourself how you fucking feel? Do you feel better when you try on old jeans in your closet and your heart leaps out of your chest because they fit better? Then use that as your guide.

Then use your enthusiasm and high vibes to help carry you on to more success. It’s a domino effect. Use this to your advantage.

Because ultimately when we set a goal to get to a certain weight it’s because in our brains we think that getting to that weight will elicit some feeling we are desiring.

Happiness, confidence, sexiness, self love.. etc.

I’m saying… source that fucking feeling now about yourself WHILE you are journeying down to your goal and watch how your progress catapults. โ˜บ๏ธ

Mmmmmm that’s delish.

I am the biggest advocate for us learning to love ourselves to health.

Enough for now.

With much gratitude,

a. Danielle

How limiting beliefs that cause us repeated suffering of a similar flavor can be traced back to a single event…

I have this place in my soul I refer to as the vault that I have shoved memories and things that have happened to me or that I endured to never be seen in the light of day again.

I was delusional in my belief that if I blacked out a traumatic memory it would disappear forever.

I can tell you that could not be further from the truth.

We are not given our tumultuous circumstances for us to shove them away in a dark corner of our soul and not grow from them and use them to catapult us into spiritual growth.

While our waking conscious may not be aware of our past traumas, our subconscious and our soul is very much aware of them. Stuffed traumas can be magnetic for us in a way that we find we relive the same type of trauma but with a different flavor and different characters.

But the damage is all the same.

It’s time I bring Dead Mom to life for you guys so you can get a better grasp of my life and what’s shaped me.

In my spiritual growth I have learned that if we leave things in us that are unhealed (shoved in the vault, unaddressed) that we will unknowingly attract similar situations to us until we learn the lessons we are supposed to be learning from it.

I see the pattern now of something I have been a prisoner of for my entire life and I was able to trace it back to a traumatic occurrence that happened when I was in grade school.

A boy on the school bus started to put his hands on me. It was slow at first as he was testing the boundaries that I neglected to set.

He was an upper class-men and I feared saying anything to him telling him to stop or quit.

I started dreading riding the bus so I would fake sick. Dead mom (who was undead back then ๐Ÿ˜œ) was getting fed up and pissed off at me for being sickly all the time and her having to call me in sick and leave me home alone.

One day during the morning when I was trying to get called in sick a fight erupted and I finally blurted out that a boy had been touching me inappropriately on the bus and I was uncomfortable with it and didn’t want to be around him or ride the bus anymore!

Dead mom did what any mother of the year would do…..

She screamed at me. She blamed me. She threw her purse across the room and stormed around the kitchen screaming profanities because “now how the fuck was she going to get to work and deal with me getting to school”.

I wanted to die.

My loving subconscious only allows me to retrieve just enough of this memory to write about it while sparing me the reminder of the details because the rest is blacked out still. I’m sure it will surface one day and when that comes I’ll bring it to life on paper (my blog ๐Ÿ™‚).

That incident right there paved the way for numerous things.

It taught me that I was a hassle for everyone. If I was a burden for my parents who were supposed to love you unconditionally, I for sure am a burden for tertiary peoples as well.

You can see this limiting belief played out to this day as it is extremely difficult for me to rely on or ask for help from others.

This incident showed me that it doesn’t matter if you go to authorities (read: parents, the law, your supervisors) because don’t count on them protecting you.

This taught me that the predator will get away with murder and that it’s not worth the turmoil and heartache to bring up being victimized because it will be ME that gets the repercussions.

This last one has played out several times in my life. It’s because this belief was SO strong in me that I managed to attract more situations that would allow that theory to be proven as gospel.

This showed up the time Mr. Good showed up in the city of Omaha fire truck when I was trying to move out and blocked me in the driveway with the engine.

I’m pretty sure that using City Fire Trucks to harass your soon to be ex wife that was already hiding under ground due to immense fear of her situation – was not kosher.

I reported it as I was advised to do. What happened? NOTHING. The board who reviewed it didn’t think anything was wrong.

This showed up the time I was seeking a restraining order and was denied.

These are the precise reasons victims choose to keep quiet.

This limiting belief has tainted my life incredulously.

There is one incident that has rotted in me that I have struggled to forgive myself for allowing to happen and not saying anything about that I cannot Shake.

Forgiving others is a task. But forgiving ourselves?? Can seem impossible at times.

Several years ago our boss took us to Vegas to a fitness convention. The coworker guy and I were more along for the ride and didn’t have to attend the seminars like the managers all did.

During the first night of the event he and I went walking the strip with our boss. It stared getting unusual when our boss starting wanting to take photos of only me standing bye things on the strip.

I felt the stir in my gut that something wasn’t right. But at that time I wasn’t attuned to the language of intuition and shoved it.

I don’t recall the exact reasoning but the coworker guy and I had to go to our Bosses room for something with him.

I don’t know if I had a gut check at that moment or not as I am writing this I am not clear about it.

But what I am certain of is that what transpired next is blows well past the line of appropriate that it makes me ill.

While all 3 of us were in his room he instructed me to get on his bed and pose.

I KNOW I blurted out NO. Because that was way out of line. I remember looking at him and he had this blank look in his eyes that made him look inhuman. It was frightening like something had snapped in him.

He ended up pushing me by the shoulder on his bed and proceeded to take pictures of me while the coworker guy stood there. I was fully clothed. NOT that that detail matters in any way shape or form because what happened was wildly destructive and inappropriate.

I remember him emailing me later when we got back to Omaha and dropping a little black mail- Esqe type hint in an email about having those photos.

I remember asking him to delete them. He responded back that he was only joking about using them.

I never shared this with anyone back then. In fact, the coworker guy and I never breathed a word about it until many years later. He directly witnessed what happened and subsequently now refers to our (ex) boss as Weinstein.

There are so many things to cover as I type this. Such as the anatomy of why I remained silent with this living in me for all these years.

I will address that later as it is VERY important.

What I want to link together is the incident with my dead mom when I reported the kid touching me on the bus and her response and how what that engrained in me from that moment dictated how I handled situations in my life from then on.

I don’t think we realize the impact we leave on ourselves and others. That adage of get thicker skin or let things roll off your back can really go fuck itself.

Things like this, traumas, can stick with us and haunt us even when we think we have buried it. We won’t make the connections between things until we have a massive awakening and the veil is lifted from us and we see things on a much grander scale.

I couldn’t imagine how different things would be for me had my own mother stood up for me like a NORMAL mother should have.

I distinctly remember vowing to myself then and there that if I couldn’t protect my babies better than my dead mom protected me that I would NEVER bring a child into this world.

That incident buried the chance of her and I ever having a relationship. I built up a Fort Knox around my heart to block her out that would never be removed. Not until many years after her death has it finally started to come down brick by brick.

It feels good to have that freedom. As I learned later we are simply unable to selectively block love.

I recall an incident a while ago where my friends daughter had some punk kid say some pretty heinous threats towards her in school. I recall how I felt the moment I heard what happened and I went into hypervigilent mode wanting to protect her from that and protect her from allowing that to latch into her soul and to wreak havoc in her remaining life.

I probably had a PTSD episode because I literally felt the fear intensely in every cell of my body.

I wanted to save her from the things I couldn’t save myself from. I need not get my feathers in a tizzy because this girl has been gifted with a bomb as set of parents that protect her. Her father was beyond upset with the kid – rightfully so and it was apparent that her feelings and how this affected her was their priority.

That’s how parents should be.

While I was not gifted with those kinds of parents I was gifted with a fucking courageous, resilient heart, the gift of words and the gift of seeing dynamics of things in a light that most don’t.

I realize now how these were lessons I needed to learn and needed to experience to help bring light, love, compassion and awareness to.

I am able to show the connection of life events that were born from that traumatizing occurrence with dead mom.

I am now strong enough with enough courage in my heart to speak my truth even if my voice shakes.

And that’s just what I’m gonna do.

My prayer is that it inspires courageous actions from anyone who needs to do the same.

Enough for now.

Love and light. ๐Ÿ”ฅ

a. Danielle

My contribution to working in a culture of harassment…

For those of you that don’t know me won’t know that my journey on this earth has been riddled with abuse from the onset of my life.

Abuse comes in many different forms. I have witnessed physical abuse and been subject to it.

But the more insidious form of emotional torture of the narcissistic kind of abuse seems to be my preferred choice of receiving.

The definition of insidious is proceeding in a gradual, subtle way but with harmful effects.

That’s the nature of narcissistic abuse. It happens slowly so that you almost don’t even notice it until one day you wake up not even sure how you got to where you are.

I wasn’t exactly sure what I had done in my life to deserve to have been married to a classic, to a T, narcissist, but I really questioned a lot of things about God and life when my boss ended up being the grand wizard of them all.

I feel passionately about the fact that what I have endured I am supposed to use for the greater good of my soul and for those other souls around me that need it.

However, in reflecting back over my employment I realized in shame and horror that I contributed to a culture of harassment that started at the top by our boss.

Harassment and abuse at work has a different flare. With our culture the name of the game was throw someone else under the bus and as long as you weren’t in our boss direct line of fire, you were spared. For the time being.

It didn’t take long for any new employees to learn that trick so the environment was beyond toxic. Co- workers were pitted against each other. If our boss seen any unity between anyone that didn’t center around him, he would go to no ends to destroy it.

I have an ill feeling in the pit of my stomach for being involved in the dynamic. I sat in the Friday morning (death) meetings and watched as our boss demolished anyone that he had his sights set on. It was nothing short of brutal for my empathic spirit to see.

One coworker stands out so clearly to me that I feel moved to reach out to him and actually apologize for the fact that I sat silent and was witness to his soul being raped week in and week out.

Our boss’s M.O. is to never fire anyone. He abuses them so tremendously that a person is forced out. He hates people filing unemployment with him because as per the norm when dealing with a malignant narc, they like to keep (mind) fucking you even when your gone.

I am disturbed by the fact that the culture of abuse is so perverse there that it’s “normal”.

And that is SUCH bullshit.

I used to sit in those meetings that were nothing at all about business in fact I’m pretty positive our boss totally lost sight of the fact that he owns gyms because it seemed to turn into a giant playground for him to abuse people and get them to dance like puppets.

In our meetings he would pull up pictures of our coworkers and ridicule them. And everyone knew you had to participate because he would stand in your throat and bully you until you did.

If you know anything about a narc, they are stunted at a young age and I believe their emotional intellect is stuck back at that age. So I began to realize those forced meetings were him creating his “buddies” where he bullied them into telling him only what he wanted to hear and playing along with anything he said and any ludicrous act he wanted to engage in.

Like clock work anyone that finally left the company would get the standard 2-3 week (sometimes longer) smear campaign and all of his flying monkeys (my coworkers) would agree with anything our boss said derogatory about the employee that left.

I had a co-worker of mine that I had hated for years but finally came around to be able to be friends for the sake of being peaceful at work. When our boss found out about our unity he would ask coworker AF if he and I had fucked yet and if so what was it like. AF was even grossed out by our bosses antics and it took a lot to make him think anything was bizarre.

Our boss sent AF one of the most embarrassing pictures of me I had ever seen. He did it to purposely harm me. AF showed me and laughed and of course I was mortified but at the time I did nothing.

I distinctly remember telling my boyfriend and a girlfriend that at least I am more secure in myself now that it didn’t effect me as badly seeing something that embarrassing.

Like, what in the actual fuck? When did it become necessary for us to get thicker skin to handle this type of shit and it became more ok for harassment of this nature.

The less you had to deal with our boss the better you were. Besides he was the sole owner of the company, the HR person, EVERYTHING so he created a lovely little play ground for him to do as he pleased.

And it became the norm for all of us to turn our heads when another was being abused.

And that’s how I contributed. The shitty thing is that works until the heat starts coming on to you and you get to experience first hand the direct torture.

I stopped attending the meetings. I couldn’t witness anyone else get their soul shredded apart each and every freaking week anymore.

That was the beginning of my demise there. Our boss started initiating all the classic narcissistic tactics that unfortunately for him I was well versed in from my marriage.

I knew something was awry because one day I received a text from one coworker whom I THOUGHT wasn’t a part of the drama and abuse squad and he was begging me to attend the meeting that upcoming Friday.

I almost ALMOST caved and went but I stuck to my resolve and didn’t go. Well our boss announced that we were getting a new software that would essentially “eliminate corporate” (read: me) as he stated. BUT leading up to that point he had made all my coworkers not talk to me about it.

Actually he wanted them to tell me in the meeting and he bribed all them to make it sound like it was their idea to vote in the new software. His plan failed because I didn’t attend. My intuition was screaming at me that it was a total trap.

It was a time I was so very thankful I listened to my gut. I think we all need to learn how to do that more.

The thing that is so frustrating sometimes is that other people don’t realize they are just pawns for the Narc.

Fast forward to the new system being installed and our boss not allowing me access to the new system. I couldn’t clock in and out and that made me nervous because I have seen in the last 18 years working there him fucking with peoples pay. He has done some heinous stuff to people.

Again, I watched, silently ๐Ÿ˜ž

He told me I could get access to the new system when I went and trained with the new company. When I went and tried to train with the new company they were all told they were NOT allowed to give me access to the computer system or allow me to be trained.

He had officially initiated his standard game of forcing me out. He had already planned for coworker AF to replace my full time position with a part time position for him so that “he would be on a better schedule and get out of bed”.

The people at the new computer software company didn’t want to go up against what he was saying because our boss had already ripped apart their boss and bullied all of them.

One day while I was at the front desk of the gym with the new company before our boss knew I was doing that and put a stop to it coworker AF came in the gym, came around the desk, clocked in and went to go train for what would need up being my job.

After he walked away the manager of the gym said “Oh he’s probably just going to talk to our boss because our boss likes to talk about how you guys (me and coworker AF) used to go to the rodeo.”

I was confused because we never went to a rodeo. I love rodeos but we never went. And I said that. And the manager was persistent “Come on Andrea… you know, bullriding….”

Still confused I had no clue. A rep from the new computer system was standing there with us when finally the manager blurted out “Andrea he’s talking about you and AF fucking.” And proceeded to laugh.

I was embarrassed and mortified and all things shitty. I am not hip to slang kids use these days and didn’t know “going to the rodeo” meant fucking.

In my heart I knew being subjected to this type of behavior was beyond inappropriate. But who would I complain to? HR? OHHHHHH ya that’s right. That’s who was doing it.

It was a shifty few weeks. Being singled out, getting the silent treatment, having all the front desk staff at the clubs so confused by what is going on with me and seeing the toxic shit themselves. I was still doing every aspect of my job that I still could.

I am no longer with the company THANK GOD. He finally met with me but not before coworker AF showed up and divulged the fact that our boss wanted to have him be the corporate office person now. That my full time position as I knew it was eliminated.

As his norm our boss went right into ripping apart every aspect of me and my work and everything. It was his unlucky day because before I met with him I spoke with two of my very good friends who KNOW his method of launching a verbal assault so nasty that you lose your shit and walk out.

So we prayed a bit before he showed up. I made sure I was good and centered. I paused and breathed.

It was SOOOOO crucial for me to pause and get centered because what happened in that meeting would have been enough to set someone off. I didn’t take his bait.

I gave him ZERO response when he was degrading me. And man did that cause him to blow.

I will write more about how to communicate with a narc because I know that researching that over these past years helped me immensely. Especially in this situation with him.

He finally said my position had been eliminated so I walked out of his yucky office to get my keys and bring them back.

Prior to the meeting starting I tried to get AF to get our boss to have our meeting out in the open because I hated being in close quarters with him. He’s energy is so terrible a person didn’t want to even be near him.

I found out that of course AGAIN as per Narc norm, he’s lying and saying that I quit and slammed my keys down and walked out.

Which is a flagrant lie.

I am not allowing myself to give any energy to the smear campaign he’s launched AND have asked any friend still associated with that place to not give me any details of what’s going on.

My mission on earth isn’t going to be disturbed or distracted by his nonsense. Because those whom I care about know the truth of the situation. It never serves us positively to run around trying so discredit their smears. Focus forward is my mantra for that.

But what followed this event is still haunting to me. I shared what happened to me with some friends who used to work with me and their first reactions were that “oh he probs sexually assaulted you” or “you could probs sue him for emotion and verbal abuse, harassment, and sexual assault.”

It’s sickening to me that I stayed in an environment and contributed to the culture.

My contribution was my silence.

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andling an abusive work environment is a touchy situation to be in. We were mostly all in survival mode. I knew one day I would write about my experiences. But it’s scary sometimes.

Sometimes we keep quiet about the things that go on because it’s already bad enough having to deal with them in the first place but then to relive them over and over as we share our story can be heavy on our souls.

Most often people just leave and don’t look back. I could very well do that also. But that’s not my life path.

I feel compelled to share my story because I KNOW this type of thing goes on other places. I mean look at the news.

More and more people, women especially are finding their voices and using them to speak out. I was part of a bro culture where they thought it was perfectly ok to talk about my sex life and joke about it AND to do so in the company of people from other companies.

I write about my feelings about me remaining silent as I watched others get bullied because I hope that it maybe makes us think the next time we are witness to something like that.

Normal people don’t go around destroying others. But am I any better because I watched in silence?

I have mixed emotions but one thing I know for sure is that this is part of my story and part of my journey. Being free from there has been INSANELY liberating.

You don’t realize how heavy something is until you let it go.

I’m excited about my new life and my dreams! But I can’t shake the fact that I would leave anyone else to have to endure this type of thing.

I’m thankful that I am sovereign enough now that this didn’t pummel me like my marriage and divorce did. So that tells me I have grown IMMENSELY!

But what I choose to do with my experience is for those who aren’t as solid in their own as I am. It’s for the women in abusive situations that it does pummel and bury.

It’s crazy as I chose to write this today because on my time hop from from this day last year is a photo from notes I took while attending church. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

see where I wrote “He’s not punishing us, He’s using us to help others through things”.

And that’s the beauty of this all.

It is the difference between me approaching this from a victim standpoint or from the standpoint that I am going to use this to create positive change.

I want to bring awareness to the fact that the first thing that comes flying out of our mouths when someone shares they have been involved in an abusive relationship shouldn’t be “why did you stay so long” but it should be “what can we do to help”.

The prayer in my heart today is we break the silence and change the dynamic. There is power in numbers and we need support and to show others that they are supported now more than ever.

Big love today.

a. Danielle โš“๏ธ

What seeing my boyfriends text notifications on his iPad has shown me about my personal growth…

This one was sooooo monumental for me I have to share it.

I had to take Bearded things IPad to the gym so I could record some videos for my personal training and well-being social media stuffs because I had forgotten mine at home 3 hours away.

I am NOT a tech person whatsoever. I barely use my iPhone for probs .00063 % of what its actually capable of doing. I have never successfully had a productive conversation with Siri… I am well behind the times of the current trends and fancy technology anything.

I pressed the button on his iPad to get into it and there were a bunch of notifications right on the front page before I entered the password that I realized were his text messages.

I guess you can get them on both your iPhone and iPad at the same time ๐Ÿค”

I didn’t know that was such a thing. But I didn’t want to look at them because I felt like he deserves privacy just as much as anyone else does.

So when you type in the password they go away but you can see a snippet of them on the front page before you unlock it.

I went about my business working out and filming some short videos demonstrating my workout progression and didn’t think much else of it each time I had to unlock the iPad.

But as I was driving home something major dawned on me. It was a huge ass “OMG I think I might be doing life right for once” type of realization.

I know as I write this that I am the ONLY woman on the face of this earth that has ever snooped through her husband or spouses phone ๐Ÿ™ƒ

You see my marriage was that type of relationship. And once you go down the dark alley of checking their phones when they leave it laying around it’s an addiction that’s hard to break.

You find things you really don’t want to find. And if you confront them when you find something they always weasel around spewing so much BS it makes your head spin.

All that happens is brick by brick we build up a wall around our hearts and are prisoner to checking and seeing if we can find something on their phone that will justify the ill feelings we have in our gut about the situation anyway.

It’s terrible looking back at my marriage and the antics that went on in those walls.

But when I seen Bearded Things text notifications I realized that I could have at any moment jumped in and read to my hearts content.

But I didn’t.

And here’s why:

First off, I have developed on a personal and spiritual level to the point where I love myself enough now to not be in the sort of relationship where it requires me to check up on their whereabouts.

I made the decision after I healed from the wreckage of the my marriage and subsequent divorce that if I ever found myself in another position where I felt like I had to snoop in a phone I would walk.

I would leave the relationship right then and there.

As I reflect on my marriage I can see I spent an exorbitant amount of time on his trails trying to prohibit him from some of the bullshit he was engaging in. It was exhausting. I put all my energy into catching him doing things and trying to stop it by constantly checking and scouring the earth for signs of foul play. I completely lost myself in it.

And when I found solid proof of things I already knew in my gut were happening I didn’t check in with MYSELF and see what I needed to do in terms of navigating the situation from a self preserving, loved based perspective.

I wanted to lock him down further and keep him in a bubble so he wouldn’t do the things he was doing.

But what I SHOULD have been spending my energy doing was telling him to fuck the fuck off.

Big time.

I am in disbelief looking back at the stuff that I allowed to happen.

That shit would NEVERRRRRRRRRR fly with me now.

I love and respect myself too much now.

Learning how to love and respect myself came well after I allowed myself to be in relationships that were detrimental to my soul.

The other takeaway is seeing how different I am now than in my previous relationship. I am finishing up a 10 month self love guide certificate program that has taught me much about how we love ourselves and how that effects what we accept from relationships with others.

I can feel it in my heart that it’s part of my work on earth to illustrate how learning to love and respect ourselves first is CRUCIAL in determining our relationships with others.

It’s a guidance for what we allow. What we put up with.

I want to inspire a change in dynamic from where a woman has to learn how to be a better detective to find her spouses misdeeds to showing how the woman can love herself enough to tell him to take a flying fuck at a donut. (Read: kick his ass to the curb and celebrate their sovereign bad ass self ๐Ÿค˜๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ’ฅโœจ).

I’m not saying that relationships can’t be worked on and move past certain situations. What I am saying is that if we find ourself being detective and exhaust ourselves to the point we don’t recognize ourselves when we look in the mirror then we need to love ourselves enough to get out.

I was filled with humble joy yesterday as I realized how much I have grown. This had nothing to do with Bearded things really. It had everything to do with the changes that I have done internally.

There is much power in learning to treat ourselves like we are our most prized possessions. It sets the stage for most all other things in our life.

The more I turned inward and learned to honor and love myself the more rich my relationships became with those around me.

There was a small amount of shedding people and things that no longer served me. And that always kind of rocks you. It’s never easy letting go of people that have been in your life but it’s the most loving thing we can do for ourselves and them to let them go with grace and ease.

It’s my hope that by sharing this that it causes some of us to think. Not necessarily if you are in a situation where you have to be a detective in a relationship but to mostly examine how much we love ourselves on the daily.

Grasping that concept has been one of the most transformational things I have done for myself and my quality of life.

As women we need to collectively raise awareness of this. We all deserve nothing but the best, brilliant, healthy, positive and loving relationships.

We deserve respect.

We can travel to the end of the earth searching for someone who will respect us but will never find it unless we learn to begin with ourselves.

My prayer is that we can learn from each other and support one another and help lead each other to healthy relationships with ourselves first and foremost and then with others.

I consider myself to be extremely blessed. I am grateful for the Bearded things in my life don’t get me wrong but I am most grateful for my awareness of how loving myself translates outward into amazing things.

Enough for now.

All my love. Every bit of it. โฃ๏ธ

a. Danielle

What I learned by examining my own victim mindset by observing the anatomy of a narcissistic bully situation….

I’m back and ready to dig further into my experience of being on the receiving end of a narcissistic assault from my boss the other day.

I am grateful for the lessons I learned from that experience. I am humbled by the realization that hatred was seething through my veins for not only him but other tyrant leaders in my life (read: my very own dead mom) even if I tried not to acknowledge it.

Once I am able to acknowledge the hatred, it can start healing by me learning to let it go.

I felt very soothed in writing that piece but that was short lived. It was pointed out to me that my words were spoken from a victim perspective.

At first I didn’t (want to ๐Ÿค”) see it that way.

Ego flared its little temper. I found myself trying to justify how the piece came across but at the end of the day I came to terms with it.

It had a victim perspective.

In my particular case I was viewing myself from an almost helpless mindset when dealing with my situation.

But that couldn’t be further from the truth. The part I was missing was that I have gone through so much transformation in here last few years that I am no longer the person I once was where I was easily swayed into believing other people’s views and opinions of me.

I am no longer the woman that had her self esteem and confidence and very identity stripped from her during her marriage that was susceptible to accepting less than treatment from anyone because I didn’t think I deserved better.

The truth of the matter is I ALLOWED what happened to me to happen.

Period.

When I first chewed on that realization that it tasted shit and I wanted to spit it out. But it is the truth.

In retrospect I can see where I gave away some of my power. The sovereignty that I have is freshly budded and will need some practice getting used to but I could absolutely see where I slipped and allowed myself to feel a certain way by what was being spewed at me.

At the core I know more of who I am than I ever have in my entire life. The more solid we are in our resolve of believing in and truly knowing ourselves then the less likely we will be affected when others try and tell us differently.

Narcissists are NOTORIOUS for the slow, methodical, torture and emotional abuse of beating your soul out of you. They are skilled at making you feel worthless, causing you to lose your self and self esteem and a myriad of other fancy words for what really means fucking your world up so badly that your lucky to make it out with one ounce of your soul in tact.

They prey on people that are easy targets for a fuel “supply”. I was an easy target. WAS being the key word.

Here’s where I want to illustrate the importance of knowing who we are, instilling our own love and positive belief systems about ourselves and our daughters, children – EVERYONE.

And start it from a young age. We don’t realize the true detriment of nonverbal things like being shunned and tossed aside when a new baby sibling comes along can do to a persons psyche.

As we go through life we forget our “true selves” because we start listening to our peers and society and other information highways if they tell us we are nerdy or fat or worthless or whatever.

It’s crucial, absolutely CRUCIAL we do everything in our power to keep that solid, strong, sovereign sense of self.

This has been monumental in me maneuvering this ordeal. I’ll explain why:

As I navigate this terrain with my situation I am trying to take the viewpoint of observer and I am learning much about the anatomy of a narcissistic bully situation.

It’s quite intricate the amount of manipulation that gets done. I decided that it’s my calling to write about these experiences for those who don’t have a voice or an option to get out of something similar whether it be work or home or whatever.

The next phase after the assault is a sneaky maneuver where the assassin quickly goes around to the tribe and builds a case in which they are in fact the victim. They initiate operation smear campaign where they start dragging your name through the mud purely to gain power in numbers by getting the upper hand with people siding with them because they share the sob story first.

They will tell the others that you are throwing them under the bus and use whatever toxic methods they can to paint you in a bad light and make others turn against you. They all then start stonewalling you and treating you less than respectfully to capitalize on the amount of pressure and disdain that causes you to eventually break.

This is where it’s absolutely vital for us to know who we are at the core level and believe in ourself a million percent because it gets shitty being ganged up against.

This can be excruciating for the person that is easily affected by being singled out and bullied and intimidated and that needs a sense of belonging to a group EVEN if the group is toxic.

Earlier this summer I read the most brilliant book by Brene Brown called Braving The Wilderness.

The just of it is that the wilderness is finding yourself and being true to yourself even if it means it’s a lonely place.

Life is truly about learning lessons if we pay attention and treat each situation as such. We always have the choice to learn from our experiences or succumb to them.

The situation I am in kinda blows. It’s not something I would try and manifest for myself intentionally but it has shown me multiple things.

The first is the power of braving my own wilderness and learning who I am and knowing that it doesn’t change based on someone else’s treatment of me OR their opinion of me.

That is some good shit right there and WAYYYYY worthy of celebrating!!!!

How people treat us is more of a reflection of THEM than it is us anyway. (Write that kibble down and save it for a rainy day ๐Ÿ™ƒ)

This has shown me just how far I have come in the last few years since my divorce and rebirth. I’m (sorta) fine with the bullying and being excluded and watching the toxic dynamic that is going on with using people as pawns for power.

I’m fine with it because it’s shown me that I am not affected by it where as before I would have been destroyed by this type of treatment. It is a perfect recipe for disaster for someone with a crushed self esteem and zero confidence.

That is no longer who or what I identify with. Also, VERY worthy of celebrating!

So even though this situation is not ideal I celebrate these victories and it tastes pretty damn good.

The next thing it taught me is what my victim mindset was trying to serve me. Which was essentially a bunch of dis-empowering bullshit.

I allowed myself to be treated the way I was. I have a choice to tolerate that going forward or not. I don’t have to be scared like the voices in my head try and tell me to be. That is VERY empowering for me.

The other thing it’s shown me is that there is essentially bullies in most groups. There is always that person that isn’t secure enough in their own selves. They don’t try and do the soul work to improve themselves and thus their life so they gain their own approval by applying manipulative tactics to everyone around them. It’s far easier for them to bully and create their own fake reality than work on themselves.

At end of the day we know who loves us for who we truly are and anyone that is willing to crucify us off of someone else’s slanderous claims, ISNT someone that is worth an ounce of our attention.

Therefore zero energy really needs to be exerted in that direction. Which leaves much more time and positive vibes to do the important things in life like remembering each and every day who we are, like loving ourselves and those around us and co- creating brilliant creative lives that serve the most good.

This feels much better for me to focus on examining where I have grown in this situation rather than spend needless time feeling like a victim of my circumstance.

It was a small reframe and mental shift that took me from deflated and low vibe to empowered.

I am learning that sometimes it’s the teensiest change that creates the most dramatic shifts.

Much love.

a. Danielle โฃ๏ธ

i was assaulted by a narcissist the other day. This is what it taught me about my own hate…. โฃ๏ธ

i will always be amused by the wonders of the world. One of the most immense wonders is the narcissist and the torment and abuse they inflict on their targets.

I’m empathic to the millionth degree and want to help everyone heal and because of that (lucky me โ˜˜๏ธ) makes me a prime target for narcissists to latch and feed on.

i was attacked, vehemently verbally and emotionally assaulted by a narcissist the other day and it debilitated me.

Unlucky for this malignant narc i have extensive training in the slippery emotional torment, abuse and games that they play so that i could see the dynamic of what was happening.

They are so stealth that by the end of the conversation they will have fucked your mind every which way without lube so they have yourself believing that YOU were the abuser and they are the victim AND they will begin smear campaigning so that they make sure they are ahead of the curve and drag you through the mud to everyone else to rally against you.

It’s an egregious source of abuse from multiple angles. The victim continues to suffer because while they are stunned at the manipulation the narc is busy rallying the flying monkeys to attack and assault, silent treat etc.

This torment can be in relationships and can be in your work environment.

It’s exhausting. It’s nothing short of torment for their own sick, distorted feeding for themselves.

If someone is not aware of the dynamic of the manipulation that can open them up to start going down the slippery slope of losing any and all self esteem, self worth, self confidence.

i have had to build myself back up from having my soul raped out of me once before. I’m well aware of how this goes.

The abuse i endured the other day was not in vain. It carried a heavy lesson for me in it, as life always does.

i will spare the details of the abuser and the flying monkeys because as with Old Life, my writing and work will NEVER be about vindictive paybacks.

It will be about healing and growing through it. It will be about bringing awareness to abuse that goes on behind closed doors. It will be about giving a voice to those who are not able to speak up for themselves, YET (#empowerment).

God gave me the gift of a fierce fucking heart. And He gave me the gift of words and courage. And while i will temporarily be knocked off my center, i will always find a way to serve the highest good of not only myself but for those that came before me and those who will come after me.

i will not lie or sugar coat this episode for you. i had a meltdown. Period.

It was an intense, emotionally and spiritually draining meltdown. it was through the angelicesque (is that a word๐Ÿค”) help of my Healing practitioner and mentor that i was able to see that i have been walking around my whole life with hatred in me.

That startled me to hear and i wanted to defend against it because i work my damndest to love myself, God, those i love hard, and those i wish not to have in my life.

But it was there in me. It had been the entire time. It actually stemmed from Dead Mom (when she wasn’t dead) and it’s been a leech in me ever since. Growing with toxicity inside me.

If you believe in energy and emotions you will know that lower vibrational emotions like that wreak havoc in our bodies. It causes heaviness and illness.

i had pretty much shoved the hate in a box and hid it in me by putting a rug over it so i couldn’t see it and could act like it didn’t exist.

But it does. And this whole scene with my abuser triggered that hatred to jump out of the box and make itself known.

When you work for love and the light you don’t want to hear these things about yourself or admit to them.

But that type of denial helps no one.

i cannot change my abuser. As i write these words he is busy grooming his flying monkeys, spreading vehement, flagrant lies about me because (as i know VERY WELL) i am in the discard phase of the narcissistic abuse cycle. Overlapping with the smear campaign and grooming of the next victim phase etc etc etc BARF ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ’š

What i can choose to turn my attention to is healing this hate. i will not lie to you. i fucking HATED my dead mom.

i didn’t really realize how viciously i felt about her until i started feeling that way after this recent attack from my boss.

It had to show itself to be healed.

My task going forward spiritually is to learn to let go of the hate. i now acknowledge that it is very much there. It roared up so vigorously i couldn’t deny it.

i have to literally with every ounce of my being learn to love my boss as he is. God made him. i have to learn how to love dead mom as SHE is.

This will in turn heal me and free me. With the space that will open up will enter the most beautiful things and i can tell you from personal experience the impact is immediate.

i have already met some of the most deep souled, kind caring beings that are more in alignment with my truth by allowing myself to let go of the things i was holding on so desperately to.

ANDDDDD if you don’t think God and your spirit guides will send you nudgies and reminders think again my loves โ˜บ๏ธ

i got this little nudge the day after this experience.

๐Ÿคช๐Ÿคช๐Ÿคช๐Ÿคช We have guidance along this crazy ass journey called life. i had slacked a bit on my newfound “Love the peeps i used to secretly loath” project. This got me back in line as i smiles and rolled my eyes.

It was within the next hours that i was blessed with beautiful things and new connections that made my heart soar.

It’s rough right now but i am putting energy into seeing through eyes of love for everything and coming with a grateful heart for what the abuser has shown me about myself.

In fact, i know that he has given me more fierce desire to be a voice for this type of abuse and he only gives me more experience. While he thinks he is destroying me, he doesn’t know I’m a mother fucking Phoenix.

Enough for now.

All my deepest, mostsincere, imperfect love โฃ๏ธ

a.Danielle