Body like a back road…. And the nuances of getting lost in it….Β 

I am in a state of disbelief and shell shocked about something that happened to me yesterday. I have been unable to get a grip about it and I absolutley MUST get this out of me. (You lucky readers πŸ˜‰)

I live out of my gym bag. I shower at home MAYBE 3 times a month. I will even go to the gym just to sit in the eucalyptus infused steam room sauna… the GLORIOUS honey hole that is my meditation kingdom… and then shower at the gym. I love it there. It’s my happy πŸ™‚.

Side note… think it’s time for a new gym bag πŸ€” Nah… 😜 

I am a creature of habit. I have the same routine. I get ready in the same spot. I get ready standing in my bra and underoos and I don’t give a RIP about it. All my favorite peeps and employees come up and talk to me like it ain’t no thang my boobs are hanging out and we go about our merry little ways. (Colorado Jen if your reading this I think we meet in the lockeroom while I was in my underoos  πŸŒˆπŸŒ€πŸ’«) 

I am a 35 year old female that has been in the trenches with self loathing, self hate, feelings of shame about myself, constantly comparing myself to others…. I have been through the ringer with eating disorders galore… if there is ANY place I should feel safe standing in my bra and underoos and not worry about a damned thing it should be at the gym lockeroom right? 

We are all here because we are trying to better ourselves, our bodies, our minds, our souls, for whatever reason that is on our own hearts, right? 

Let me tell you. Ugly resides in the hearts of many and I truthfully cannot even believe what happened to me. 

I legit was body shamed by two (I’m guessing) 10-12 year old girls. Mocked, pointed at, I mean like actually POINTED at…  and laughed at. 

I was standing and getting ready in the mirror and watched them in horror as they stood back behind me whispering loudly, pointing at ME and laughing  as if I couldn’t hear and see it all!  

I was frozen. Paralyzed. And they went on and on about it. They even walked within feet behind me as I watched in the mirror and they looked me up and down and rolled their eyes and LAUGHED. 

Once I came out of my shock I was FUCKING PISSED. Like what in the actual fuck just happened here. 

I thought “you ragamuffin little brat bitches… who do you think you are??!!” My mind went right on to playing out scenes of me telling them about themselves and letting them have it… I think I even pushed one of them into the locker and they fell and conked their head on the bench…. 

CHILL folks… I’m human. I think impure thoughts occasionally before I reign it back in… πŸ™‚ 

I wouldn’t actually harm anyone but my sugar plums sure wanted to hang someone and make them pay for ripping open a wound that’s already so tender anyway.

Then I got sad. 

I thought THIS is the best we can do??? What happened to these poor girls souls that they are so ugly on the inside to be like this? 

Then I thought thank GOD this was me that they did that too and not someone more fragile in their healing…. But I won’t even lie to you one bit. For a brief BRIEF moment in my mind a tiny seed of self doubt popped up. 

BOOM. That instantaneously.

How insane is THAT???? Because of two reckless children mocking me and making fun of me the old harmful patterns of thinking I have fought so fucking hard to overcome were ready to pounce in an instant… 

That’s frightening to me… No wonder our world is riddled with people with low self esteem and feelings of unworthiness… between external yuck like those two girls flung at me… to the internal shitty committee we have in our brains it’s a constant battle. 

It seems so unnecessary to me…  

I realize some people don’t suffer with issues like this… Be grateful. Maybe say a prayer for those of us that do suffer silently… 

We rip apart our bodies and every imperfection nonstop until it can become obsessive… We do not need the help of others adding fuel to the self hate fire.

It’s ironic because I also ran across this picture yesterday before this locker room incident. To the untrained eye maybe you won’t see it…..

But I see my insecurities LOUD and clear… 

In this picture I see the years of hating my body, harsh criticism and the effects it STILL has on me with one small gesture that I am doin… 

I’m covering up a non existent fat roll. There’s nothing even there and yet I’m still triggered to cover up a part of my body that I spent decades hating. 

I woke up with the incident on my heart this morning and I can’t quite pin point my feelers about it… 

It weighs on me that these two careless girls and many more like them are going to be out in the world reaking havoc on someone else’s already low self esteem…. 

I’m insanely passionate and infinity invested in this because I want to shorten the amount of time another person spends suffering with feelings like I did. 

I know the stars of the show were the two girls…. but really I think they just brought about more awareness to me at just how much work there is to do. 

It makes me want to go out and love harder… and rival their shitty crap they fling everywhere like its confetti.

It makes me want to share more of my authentic story and my struggles and successes in hopes that it helps someone else out of the darkness… 

I want to illustrate how things come full circle by finishing the story with the girls. 

The mother of one of them finally showed up. And instantly things made sense to me… 

She was so rude to how she spoke to her daughter while haphazardly wandering towards them on her cell phone. She was CLEARLY annoyed at them for taking too long and didn’t exercise any restraint in showing it… 

My heart ached for the daughter…. instantly the high that they were on from making fun of me was gone and she herself was humiliated by her mother and you could literally see her deflate… 

And here comes the moral of the story…. 

Hurting people, hurt other people. 

Let that sink in for a while. 

I know my knee jerk reaction after I recovered from being paralyzed was to go guns blazing on them…. but hate will never crowd out hate… 

I ended up praying hard for them… then after I seen the mother I prayed even harder. 

From a compassionate stand point I knew there was some underlying reason for their behavior and like the saying goes “ask and you shall recieve”… I got my answer when the mom showed up. 

She treated them with such disrespect that they turned around and heaved that on to the next person they seen…. 

Imagine things from the other perspective then….. What if the mother was more attentive, mindful and loving… What if she wasn’t glued to her iPhone. 

Which is it just me or does anyone else literally get the urge to shove the phones up peeps arses because peeps run into you because their necks are bent down glued to the screen… 

Man. Wake up people… wake up. 

I wrote a letter to my baby girl the night before about things I vowed to do for her so she knew she was loved AND so that she herself could go off and be an illumated light source as well… and after this incident I wanted to add more things to talk to her about… I guess I will have an ongoing dialogue with her ☺️ 

Why you ask?? Cause I’m bat shit crazy that’s why πŸ™ƒ 

No. Well yes, I’m crazy, but it’s because I feel so strongly that we have a huge responsibility for the energy we bring to the world. I simply want to over extend my part to counter act the mindless, careless behavior of others. And if that means making up non existent kids to be light workers, then so be it ✨

I see things from a perspective unlike many others and yesterday I seen this license plate…. 

In my heart and crazy brain I took that as confirmation that someone fluttering around was giving me as a 10 for my (mom) efforts πŸ™‚πŸ’™πŸ’«πŸŒˆ

Enough for now…. 

Extra love today… 

a. Danielle ✨

Binge eating πŸ–€

I remember the first time I discovered I could get rid of the massive amount of food I just binged on by vomitting my brains out.

I stumbled upon it by mere accident really. I had (quietly) been suffering from binge eating disorder for some time by then.

I had just had another episode and once the high and rush and euphoria of the binge wore off and the come down started, Β it brought with it all the yucky lower vibrational feels like shame, guilt remorse, disgust and self hate, and on and on and….. You get the point.

I fucking hated myself.

I was miserable. Inside and outside. I was stuffed so full I was going to explode. It hurt so terribly that time that I actually had to rush to the bathroom and barely made it to the toilet before I barfed my brains out. I think I vomited so hard the mere shred that was left of my soul at that point came flying out also.

I had burst blood vessels in my eyes when I finally got up and washed my face brushed my teeth and looked at the mirror.

And then it happened.

The precise moment in my life where my disordered eating was about to make friends with a whole new monster.

I discovered that I could actually binge and get the enjoyment (using that word loosely) out of it AND turn around and get rid of the food and the shitty feelings associated with the binge immediately?????

Score. 🀘🏾

I felt ecstatic. On top of the world. Like I won the lottery. I felt like I had just discovered the fountain of youth. I felt like I had found some secret shortcut to happy.

And I equated the purging of the food with Β  disposing of all the yucky self loathing, shame and guilt feels getting flushed right down the toilet with it! Right?!??

WRONG. Terribly fucking wrong.

Fast forward a bit.

I was high on life. Stiff suffering silently in the miserable hell that was my marriage but at least I had THIS!

GLORIOUS this!!!

What in the actual fuck??????

My most prized possession was barfing. Does that help illustrate the nature of the beast for you???

I had my drug of my binges to soothe and drown out the horrible reality of the abuse I was suffering from at the perverbial hands of my husband AND I had the power and control to flush away other emotions that I didn’t want and the over abundance of food I didn’t need….

I was binging and purging probably daily. I got so good at I actually stunned myself. I can be quite intelligent sometimes πŸ™ƒ

I found tricks to help the food come up faster and easier without the burning (milk anyone). I had it to where I knew which foods would be harder to get out and which ones would cause the blood vessels to pop.

I saved those meals for the days Mr. Good was at the fire station so he wouldn’t notice the burst blood vessels.

And that in and of itself is a funny as hell because he never even looked at me anyway by this point in the game. πŸ™‚

I found a shortcut in life. But as with any shortcut they eventually creep up on you and backfire.

You see at that point I hadn’t established a spiritual relationship of any sort. With God or anything.

Because if I had… I wouldn’t have been abusing my body so terribly as I had been doing.

I wouldn’t have been dancing with the devil and draping myself with lethal doses of self hatred and the piles of guilt and shame that come with the monster that is disordered eating.

We are given this one body to house our soul and our inner workings and all the things that make us the beautiful beings that we are.

We are not supposed to abuse it.

That is NOT the way God intended for us to live. I see this more precisely now the more I continue to grow closer to and walk with Him… frolick may be a better word. πŸ™‚ Barefoot of course, with flowers in our hair and beautiful sunlight kissing our skin with butterflies fluttering all around us πŸ¦‹


See how quickly I get distracted by shiny things πŸ™‚πŸ™ƒπŸ’«

When I write my story and share these things the messages come to me in a way I cannot explain. These stories are usually things I have locked away in the vault never to be looked at or seen again.

But that’s of course, not why God gave these experiences to me.

For some reason with this story I cannot access the parts of it where I can explain and show you how I came to my senses. It’s not clear to me right now and I am going to just let it be.
It will come to me when it needs to.

But I do know this:

I have been blessed beyond measure with the ability to be able to look back at these experiences in my life and see how they truly are gifts.

I have been given the gift to see things and feel things in a way that’s much more deep than others are simply not open to or awakened to yet.

I have been given the gift of using words as an art to give new life and a voice to the experiences that have shaped me and to use the experiences and my art to help others through similar tribulations.

If anyone is on my snap chat you will see I am constantly posting pictures of my meals. There is a purpose behind this.

You see once the monster of disordered eating has resided in your soul it truly never really leaves. Recovery from it is a constant journey. I have to be diligent because I am aware of my triggers and I am keenly aware that if I let my guard down the monster may rear it’s ugly head again.

But it gives me passion and a fire like no other to fight for and be a light for others that suffer silently.

The thing about the disorder is that is houses a lot of guilt and shame. And those devils like to keep you silent because then it gives them power to grow.

Those emotions that are allowed to reside in your body will manifest themselves in the form of illness, disease, depression etc….

Nothing positive or beautiful comes from housing those feelings. So my hope is that anyone reading this who is touched by it because they suffer silently – know you are not alone.

Know you are SOOOOOOOO worthy of love and joy and living a full amazing life free from the grips of this asshole monster.

I love that this story wanted to be shared with you because it just so happens that last night my aunt ran into one of my favorite inspirational women Brene Brown at the airport on her way to march in DC.

Brene has dedicated her life to dissecting the inner most workings of shame.

She encourages us to be brave with our lives. And that’s what this chapter in my life I feel is about. It’s to get vulnerable with my ouchies and develop the courage to make magic with them.

I want this for you too.

Enough for now….

All my love….

a. Danielle ❣️