I missed a dead person today.

I missed a dead person today.

This might not seem like a big deal to anyone else but to me it is.

I wouldn’t say I pride myself on being good at dead people, but I’m pretty good at it.

I coined 2011 “The Year of the Dead People” for me. Not to be confused with 2012 being “The Year of the Black Cloud” πŸ™‚

My beloved mother in law died at 8:42am on 2/2/11. Neen Aka Grandma Betty AKA dead moms mom died on dead moms birthday 8/11/11. Then dead mom took the flutter out of her earthly body about the same time in the morning a few weeks later on 9/2/11.

This made me really good at dead people.

When dead mom was going through her cancer treatment I was the one that went to the appointments and had to reiterate what the drs were saying to my stepdad who was in denial about imminent death of his soul mate.

I forced the drs to cut the bullshit and tell me the straight up non fluffy facts. I knew my mom was going to die. I had a funeral for her long before she crossed over.

I was numb.

Neen was obese. Her body had long given up on her. She couldn’t get around and had horrible knees to boot. She was supposed to have a simple knee surgery to repair a botched job. She got sepsis and died.

My heart and soul are made up a little differently than the average bear. I believe heavily in spirit and know that our dead people are constantly around us in their non physical form.

With Neen I was half relieved when she ditched her body. It was hard seeing her the way she was on earth. She had a boat load of pills she was always taking and it was pretty excruciating to be see.

Of course I’d rather had her in a healthy body where she could be active and happy and spoiling all of us grandkids that she pretty much raised.

My view on death and dying is very liberal. I don’t fear it for myself or for others. I know I will see them again. And I know things always happen for a reason.

However, today something strange happened.

I was moving and noticed that on my beloved night stand that Grandma Betty made me for me there was some handwriting on the bottom of it. I never noticed this before.

<<<<<<<<<<

it was little note from my grandma. I don’t know what it was about that note or the writing but I became overwhelmed with emotion. It was as if I could feel her fill the entire room up.

This took me by surprise because I don’t get emotional. I’m not attached to dead peoples “things” or property. I was really taken aback.

I finished moving and putting stuff away but I couldn’t kick thinking about the feeling that I had.

I reflected further and realized that there is a possibility that while I have always coined myself at being good at dead people what I was actually good at was putting up walls around my heart so I wouldn’t have to feel.

I am far enough along in my spiritual journey to know that we are simply unable to selectively numb things.

I must say that building up a Berlin Wall around my heart to numb is MUCH better tactic than my previous go to combos such as Xanax + wine or Ambien + any boozy treat.

It was weird feeling this way though. I found myself wondering if this was just a short glimpse of what other people who grieve feel like well after their loved ones are gone.

I recall Dad telling me that this thanksgiving was hard on him because it was the first year his mom wasn’t on this earthly plane.

But I remember telling him that I guess I could be thankful because even though I suffered great loss in a short amount of time I don’t have any residual sorrow from it.

Or do I?

Over this last year I have embarked on a journey to embrace self-love. Through this process I KNOW I have knocked down some barriers within me that restricted me from loving myself and in turn prevented me from truly loving others.

I loved. But at an arms distance.

I could arguably say I didn’t much love me at all. Which was the root of the problem.

As my heart wall gets removed a brick at a time I can attest to the fact that new fresh feelings are coming in.

Tonight for instance really rocked me a bit. I was uncomfortable because I wasn’t used to feeling so fully.

I look back and see when the first brick of my heart wall was put up. It was when my beloved mother in law died.

I was fucked up. I watched my husband spiral from his loss. And I dove face first into his Ambien which was the onset of my drug induced heart wall building phase of life.

I think we all do this to a certain extent. We deal with trauma in our own unique ways. My emotional intellect was lackluster so I turned to drugs to cope.

While I was drugging myself my internal Bob the builder was building a fortress around my heart so I didn’t have to feel once I kicked the drug numbing mechanism.

It worked. But it didn’t. I blocked so much love from flowing in and I can see that now.

It wasn’t terrible feeling that tiny moment where I actually missed my grandma. It was actually quite beautiful after I thought about it.

It felt good to feel. And I have been doing a lot more of that lately in my journey.

I think the problem with us is that sometimes it’s hard to sit with our shit. It’s hard to handle those lower vibe feelings. I think we need work on being able to navigate and allow them instead of pushing them under the rug or numbing ourselves out to avoid them.

I know beyond a reasonable doubt that because of the transformative work I have been going through and the self love journey I have embarked on that I am able to feel a broader spectrum of emotions.

I am the happiest, most peaceful, empowered, sovereign, joyful version of me that I have ever, EVER been in my entire existence.

If a small side effect of that is feeling a vast array of emotions more fully to be able to access this level of living I have evolved to, then so be it.

I might even go on to say that for the first time since she’s died I could really feel her presence and energy.

So fuck this heart wall.

I invite anyone whose ready to join me to start working on taking down their heart walls and any other barriers we have to allow love to flow more freely.

It starts with us though. Love begins and ends with us.

I can see where trauma had hardened me. And that’s not how I want to live moving forward.

Emotions are not bad. It’s the judgement we place on them when we are feeling them that attaches a negative connotation.

2017 was a year of major demolition for walls and barriers against Love. My transformation because of this has been nothing short of phenomenal.

2018 is going to be amazing.

My prayer is that we are each able to tap more deeply into our heart space and access the parts that allow for true transformation.

Enough for now.

a. Danielle ❣️

What hating Dead Mom taught me about my relationship with myself…

I figured it’s time to get down and dirty with my Dead Mom Chronicles.

Allow me to introduce her and share my relationship with her to you.

I love when peeps who read my work come up to me and ask me why I call “Dead Mom” – Dead Mom πŸ™ƒ

They tip toe around it and it brings me a smile inside.

The reason I call her dead mom is… (wait for it…) because she’s dead.

It’s truly that simple. Now.

My brain is highly creative and I am borderline repulsed and repelled by being mainstream and “normal” and I love nicknaming shit.

I nickname friends so much that I go to tag them in a funny meme on IG and am like why the hell cant I pull up my girl Last Tuesday whose real name is Amanda. πŸ€ͺ

It’s just what I do.

DM (Dead mom) and I have had a destructive, tumultuous “relationship” at best. I put quotes because I don’t even think we can refer to it as a relationship.

It was because of her that I vowed to myself that I would go to the grave childless before I brought a baby into this world if I couldn’t protect them better than she ever protected us kids.

I was the youngest and by the time shit got to me I suffered for everything she had done as a child and teenager and everything my older siblings had done as well.

I’m not sure what she ever wanted to do with us kids. I’m judging by the age that DM was at the birth of my oldest sibling, that she wasn’t planned.

I’ve found myself often thinking that she should have been on some sort of “Do not reproduce” list.

As the years clicked over it got worse and worse. I didn’t realize it at the time but I had an excruciating amount of venom and hatred brewing inside of me towards her.

When my niece was born I was shoved aside so that her and my stepdad could play family while I was tossed away like a used sock.

It was because of this that I had engrained in me that I was worthless and that eventually everything would abandon me and I’d be replaced (with a newer make and model 😜).

It was because of the limiting belief systems that were built in me during those crucial developmental years that I would go on in life to make detrimental decisions that cost me immensely.

I stumbled along the years trying to salvage something that resembled a relationship with her. Every time I spoke with her I felt drained, deflated, angry, yucky etc.

I couldn’t put my finger on it but I knew in the depths of my soul that even though this person gave birth to me I couldn’t allow her in my life.

The last straw came when I got married. I had a SMALL small wedding that was very informal because by that time between her training and the person that I was marrying I didn’t think I was worthy or deserving of anything more than the crumbs I was accepting. Because hey, crumbs were better than nothing, right?!!

NO. OMG no.

She made an excuse that she couldn’t make it to her daughters wedding. I was the only one so far that had gotten married.

I would find out later after she died that she told my stepdad that they weren’t going to be back in time for it. She told me a different story. Both were lies. Which became obvious to me over the years that lies were essentially a form of oxygen for her.

I cut off communication with her cold turkey. No answered phone calls, emails or texts. Any cards I received I made Mr. Good open them just to make sure she didn’t put something in it like my birth certificate or some shit because she would do goofy things.

That’s really when she became dead mom to me.

I got married in September of 2007.

I didn’t speak to her, call her, accept her email invites to get into a bullshit headlock tango. Nothing.

It wasn’t until St. Pattys Day 2011 that I would see her again. She was sick and scared in the hospital and both my grandma Neen (DM’s mom) and stepdad left me messages saying that DM was in the hospital and that they needed me.

That whole debacle is another blog post for another day. ☘️

Was it hard? Fuck yes it was.

I had to mourn the loss of a relationship my soul yearned to have. That EVERY fucking kid should have, but some of us don’t get the pleasure of receiving.

I had to be on the outside of my siblings still being in contact with her and trying to not make things awkward for them.

But the important thing that space allowed me to do was to be authentic to myself in the name of disappointing others. It allowed me the space to start healing and letting the venom I had towards her slowly seep from my body.

I learned later that I had built up a wall around my heart because of that relationship with her. I was then able to protect myself from the rampant abuse and torture she had inflicted on my soul.

But what I didn’t realize and ALLLLLL of us need to learn is that we cannot selectively dismantle our heart wall for one thing and keep it up for others.

When we make a wall, it blocks everything good. It prevents us from sending AND receiving from others but most importantly to ourselves.

This translated into me not being able to fully love myself. Or even remotely love myself.

This disconnected me from everything. I was numb. Because numb saved me. But numb also kept me from experiencing the bliss that comes from falling in love with my true authentic self and then eventually others. It kept me in abusive relationships well after the expiration date.

Because that’s what’s building heart walls and numbing does to us. On one edge of the sword it protects us. On the other it prevents us from feeling brilliant, euphoric feelings of love and joy.

The love I was yearning for was inside me all along. I had just built barriers up against it.

It was through my certificate training for becoming a self love guide that I was able to see the broad scope of what hating her had inevitably done to ME.

Theres that saying that when you hate someone it’s like you drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It’s SO FUCKING TRUE.

I can’t go back and change my relationship or the things I have done in my life. But what I can do is take my experiences armed with what I have learned in my Self-love guide program and use that to be a beacon of light out in the world.

Dead mom and are are at a really good place right now. I know that even though she is really dead she still heals off my forgiveness towards her and I continually, most influentially, heal myself.

Forgiveness is a tool from the divine. It’s life changing. In fact, if someone had to ask me what the most pivotal thing I have used is and it would be forgiveness.

What transpired from me hating her and nailing her to the cross without forgiveness was my ability to turn inward and do the same to me. I was unable to forgive myself for perceived failures with as much tenacity as I held DM to the fire with.

My relationship with dead mom was purely a mirror for what was really going on inside of me. It was reflecting my relationship with myself.

It was much easier to blame her for shit. She was purely a vessel to evoke these feelings that I didn’t know how to process.

But now I understand the dynamic of forgiveness and vow to use my experience to help illuminate these concepts for others. Healing and forgiveness are good. They are both gracious and divine.

I was thinking about Dead Mom all holiday weekend. I see others sharing their bits about missing their loved ones who have crossed over. It dawned on me that I don’t have that shared feeling. I never once have missed her. I guess that’s a weird gift I got from Dead Mom is that I don’t have to suffer further even after she’s fluttering in spirit.

But maybe I secretly somewhere deep down in my heart wish I did miss her? Who knows.

All I know now is that I have the choice to wake up everyday with forgiveness in my heart. And that continues to transform my life incrementally.

Enough for now.

My unapologetic love.

a. Danielle ❣️

On being unapologetic about who we let in our space…

I know we have all suffered silently being around someone that really didn’t jive with our vibes and for whatever reason was unpleasant.

It could be a co-worker, an acquaintance in your social circle, a family member, someone hounding you to purchase the latest thing they are selling etc.

I’m excited for this nugget today as a follow up from my previous piece about being unapologetically authentic to our own selves.

It seems that the next thing that wants to be born is this discussion on being unapologetic about whom we allow in our space.

Space can be anything… Our life, our energy field, our social media feeds, our thoughts…

I discovered the phenomena that the more I was authentic to myself and didn’t shy away from being seen as that, the more I didn’t have the energy to want to be around people that were a negative entity or an energetic drain.

I began being more picky about who I shared my space and time with. It was mind blowing how many times I would go along with a group even if there were individuals that I knew were an energetic mismatch for fun, peace, love, joy and all the other beautiful, high vibe feels.

It was almost like I felt a social pressure to suffer silently even when I knew there was a massive misalignment.

I forsaked myself in the name of appeasing others. And what’s the gigantic life lesson we are learning about doing that???

You guessed right. Dishonoring ourselves gets a resounding FUCK that. πŸ™‚

The benefit from making a choice to choose who we want to be surrounded by is that it cleans up the bullshit. We walk away from the experience uplifted, joyful and in good spirits. It just feels good.

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he downside to being unapologetic about who we spend time with ESPECIALLY if they are a member of a social group or circle is that it runs the risk of disrupting things a bit.

I used to suffer silently and “go with the flow” just because of the fear of what would happen if disruption occurred.

Because like clock work, and much like the sun always coming up and always setting is that the person that has a toxic air about them also tends to be a bully, force of pushy energy. They are able to move energy and the dynamic in the group because of their bully force. The others usually don’t want to deal with the repercussions of this persons meltdown so they quietly appease bully.

Also very much like clock work, they will try and make allies in their case against you. It’s so classic, text book and predictable.

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nd we see this. And that’s why we have made the decision to disengage with this kind of person in the first place. Because we don’t have time for that nonsense bullshit.

It can kind of be uncomfortable for a moment when we decide to clean up our friend garden. But you know what’s possible?

Something that I don’t think many people grasp. It’s perfectly ok for us to not care for someone else that everyone else might love. It’s perfectly ok for us to love someone that everyone else doesn’t get along with.

Not only that. It’s more than ok for use to not push our agendas of not appreciating another person and rallying others to get in your same page about them.

It’s ok for two people to have opposing views on the same person. It’s ok for us to still be friends regardless how I feel about someone you like and I don’t care for their energy because I have evolved to a place that my time is spent better loving you and enjoying you while not trying to get you to share my same view points of another.

Life’s become MUCH more peaceful. Much, much more peaceful.

If we are worried that by honoring ourselves and removing ourselves from the presence of someone that is not a positive match, that’s ok and very normal.

But the thing is if your people are TRULY your people they will love and respect your opinions and feelings and not put their agendas on you either.

If you start distancing or blocking, unfriending, doing WHATEVER to clean up your space and others start moving and grumbling and rallying with that person… LET THEM.

Let them GO.

They are not your people.

As we begin to step into our authentic selves and make decisions that value ourselves in terms of who we surround ourselves with – people will show you their cards.

And we will learn further who is our tribe and who isn’t. When we start getting clear about how we want to feel when we are around people our experience as a whole increases in positivity and overall joy and happiness.

Energy is very much a real thing. We need to learn to listen to and honor our guts and intuition when it comes to feeling drained or anything other than amazing when we are around people.

If we know that someone is toxic to us we owe it to ourselves to make actions for US that support that. But leave everyone else alone to make their own decisions.

Girls can be catty man. It’s ridiculous. But instead of dealing with the drama and stirring up shit storms and manipulating others why don’t we spend the energy tidying up our side of the street.

We need to decide how it is we want to feel when we are around others. If we know someone that isn’t conducive to that, make the self-preserving, self-loving and self-honoring decision to not allow them in our space.

Anyone else that chooses to distance and take sides, let them go also.

Ever since I have been adopting this concept my relationships have become richer. They have become more full with those who are closer to an energetic match to my heart and soul. I let my guard down. I am able to simply “be”, void of toxicity, cattiness and bullshit. My energy is not drained. I feel uplifted, supported and all things wonderful.

I’m currently not letting anybody fuck with my flow. πŸ™ƒ

We have to be unapologetic about it because as with any change there will be some resistance. Knowing what’s important to us is key. Deciding how we want to feel is vital. Honoring ourselves is crucial.

And who knows… by us lighting the way and doing this it may inspire others to clean up their space of people that don’t positively serve them as well.

Enough for now.

a. Danielle

On being unapologetically you…

Hello loves πŸ™ƒ

I’ve been overcoming something in my own life I feel compelled to share about.

Pretty much my entire life has been spent watering myself down for whatever reason. Whether it was trying to fit into some group or appease someone else, I would sacrifice who I TRULY was for the sake of others.

I think most of us don’t really grasp the true detriment of doing this. When we hold ourselves back and water ourselves down it silently whispers to our soul that we are not enough or worthy as we are.

And that my beloveds, is incredulous bullshit πŸ™‚

For me I think it was the fear of not belonging. I had the ridiculous (limiting) belief that I had to belong to a group to matter and if I didn’t, there was something wrong with me.

I had the belief that even if I knew in my heart something upset me about someone else I would stifle it for fear of rocking the boat.

I shouldered EVERYTHING and self-sacrificed for the sake of others.

It became glaringly obvious that I was no longer able to keep myself small and disallow myself from being the truest, fullest version of me, unapologetically.

Life is really meant to flow with ease. When we are misaligned with who we are it shows up in inner turmoil and conflict with ourselves.

When we start shifting the dynamic to a place where we are able to choose ourselves and our needs first even if that means disappointing another that’s where true magic occurs.

Everything changes in life.

But the issue is that most of us are so engrained to put others first and their needs first that we don’t take the time to realize that it’s US that we need to be putting first and honoring.

We are engrained to not rock the boat if speaking up for ourselves would mean disappointing our mother.

We fear that by speaking up against an infraction or violation by a friend in our group that we would be disbarred.

So we stay silent and self sacrifice.

But this means we are not being the truest version of ourselves that we can be. Essentially we are not honoring ourselves. And each time we slink back against being authentically us and speaking up what’s on our hearts and setting healthy boundaries we are telling ourselves that we are not worthy.

And that belief will manifest in drawing closer to you people and things that prove that theory correct.

It dawned on me that I was sacrificing myself to make others comfortable when at the end of the day I should be my top priority.

It’s crazy at just shy of 36 years old I am discovering the paramount value of actually treating myself worth a damn.

Whether its in what I fuel my body with nutritionally, how I support my health by working out and the thoughts and beliefs I Fuel my brain (and heart and soul) with.

Don’t you think it’s a widespread epidemic that we treat others way better than we treat ourselves??? We deserve to give ourselves the love we so freely give others.

I invite you to think for a moment of the person you love the absolute most in the whole universe. Really allow the feelings to encompass you.

Now start directing that love to yourself. Because THATS what we should all be doing! Every moment of everyday day!

So what does this have to do with being unapologetically you?

Everything.

When we are true to ourselves and speak up for ourselves and honor ourselves in the face of disappointing another, we are giving ourselves the ultimate gift.

We are telling ourselves that we are worthy. Because we ARE!

Being unapologetically you might look like setting boundaries against your mother whom you know is toxic to you and your health and growth. It might look like you telling her how her treatment of you makes you feel.

It might look like speaking up to someone that owes you money whom you dread having the conversation with because you know the persons attitude is larger than life and is a bully and you know there will be some amount of flack.

It’s blocking or un-friending or unfollowing someone in your circle that has a toxic negative energy and you simply do not want it around you AND doing it unapologetically regardless if that means upsetting the balance.

it’s doing all these things knowing full well it might upset someone else and being ok with that.

Being unapologetically you is the ultimate gift of self-love and honor we can give ourselves.

We might lose people along the journey of coming back to ourselves and that’s OK!!!

It’s better than ok. They weren’t your people to begin with. They were your fake people because you were being a fake version of you.

Your people are the ones that love you for who you are in a deep, true, full level. Your people would never allow you to water yourself down. They accept you as he perfectly imperfect being that you are.

This concept may be scary if it means that your going to disappoint a mother or family member.

To me sometimes the title of “family” just gives others a license to treat you less than just because they are relatives. And well, fuck that.

When we shift to start honoring ourselves and showing up authentically and unapologetically there WILL be shift. This much I can promise you.

You will be tempted to revert back to old ways of watering yourself down because it will piss people off. But if we can breath through the turbulence of watching some people drop out of our lives it will allow more people that are more aligned with who you really are to come in.

Be strong and bold. Disrupt shit. Everything if you want. But be you.

The real you.

Your beautiful and talented and fucking wonderful!!! Not only do we all deserve to see you as you were created, YOU deserve to see you as the brilliant being you are under the robes of repression. Not as the version of yourself you molded yourself into so as to not disappoint those around you.

Wouldn’t you rather be loved and accepted for how you truly are and have the ones that don’t get the fuck on out of your life???

Enough for now.

All my brilliant love and acceptance… 🧑

a. Danielle

Turn up our self-love dial and watch shift happen πŸ™ƒ

“As I began to love myself my relationship with everyone changed” is one of the most profound concepts I have come across.

It’s incredibly transformative and yet so many of us haven’t the slightest grasp of what this means.

Our external relationships are a direct mirror to our relationship we have with ourselves.

An example of this is seen when a woman keeps meeting the same type of men that don’t treat her with an ounce of respect, makes her feel less than, devours any remaining sense of self worth, etc. She knows deep in a corner of her heart that it’s not the best but she settles.

This is a mirror of her relationship with herself and it illuminates the lack of self-love that she has for herself.

The guy is only offering her a means to show her that. But we don’t pay attention to these universal languages and concepts.

She attracts this same type of man because that is where her vibration or belief systems are at about herself.

She doesn’t respect herself because if she DID, she wouldn’t be with a man that treated her less than a fucking queen in the first place.

It’s not (entirely) her fault though. People, situations and other events slowly mold and shape us and we (subconsciously) start creating limiting beliefs about ourselves. These things slowly start taking us away from the our truth. Our truth is that we are valuable, worthy, unique beings that deserve all the love and light a person can handle and more.

We are told in various ways, verbal and nonverbal, direct and indirect, that we are unworthy so that’s what types of relationships we get into. The ones that prove that limiting belief in us right.

So then what do we do when we find ourselves in relationship like this?

We try and change THEM 😳

And we fail miserably, most likely destroying both of us and the relationship in the process of it.

Every time you find yourself spending time trying to figure another human out or trying to change another human it’s an opportunity to pause and turn our happy asses right around and go look in the mirror.

Every. Single. Time.

It’s the truth Ruth. And it sucks swallowing that bitter pill but, oh so worth it.

We have some faulty wiring in us that prohibits us from loving ourselves sometimes. Or we don’t think we should put ourselves first. We think it’s selfish. We establish a martyr like persona.

And it’s damaging our relationships with everything.

We need to look inward and start asking ourselves the important questions like how much did we love ourself today? How kind was I to myself? Did I sacrifice myself for another today for fear of disappointing them but ended up ultimately betraying me?

If we are feeling stressed how often do we pause, connect with ourselves and ask what it is we truly need in that moment?

No. We don’t most often because we are bad asses and we barrel through life tackling anything that it throws at us. Which totally rocks and that serves us well.

Until it doesn’t.

I invite you to start reflecting on your relationship with yourself. Do you speak down to yourself during the day and not even really notice it because it’s the norm?

Do you find yourself going insane trying to figure out your narcissistic ex that keeps toying you along?

Get to the mirror ASAP.

Figure out what is the most loving thing you can do for yourself. AND DO IT!!!

I will say I am an AVID IPA beer drinker and love my spritzers but this is one time where I will tell you that boozy treats are not an act of self love.

It doesn’t enrich our relationship with ourself. It numbs us to it.

When we start respecting ourselves and celebrating the monstrous things we have over come and using positive, empowering language during our self talk we will notice a change in dynamic around us.

Shift will happen πŸ™‚

Lots and lots of shift. πŸ™ƒ

My invitation for us is to turn inward and start assessing how we love and treat ourselves. This is NOT another opportunity to beat ourself up for coming to the realization that we are terrible to ourself.

It’s an opportunity to make amazing shift in your life.

When we commit to loving ourselves that’s throwing out a big, bold ass statement to everything around us that we are now more fully able to love them too!

But we must come first.

Enough for now.

Absolute (self) love ❣️

a. Danielle

The scale can go fuck itself πŸ™ƒ

I’m not one to preach or write something that I don’t have experience with so when I tell you I have been in the trenches at war with myself and letting my happiness be dictated by the scale… I’m not exaggerating.

Not the slightest.

It’s awful how addicted or obsessive I was around that stupid thing. I remember many days being nervous to step on it and having the bottom drop out of my stomach when I would read the numbers.

The rest of the day I was in a down hill spiral of self loathing, self shaming, criticizing, judging etc.

Any way I could further devalue myself I did.

Actually as I write this I feel sick for how terrible I really did treat myself for all those years.

I think as women (and men’s too πŸ™‚) we need to be taught young in life that our value is NOT dictated by the shape of our body or the number on a scale.

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I recall asking my PE teacher in elementary school how many calories it took to burn 1 pound of fat…. The hook for disordered eating and body dysmorphia was set.

Fast forward to adulthood where my favorite flavor of disordered eating was binging and purging. Food became my companion. My friend. It was ALWAYS there for me.

But the thing about that type of love affair with food is that it’s most often laced with shame, guilt, self hatred and the like.

After years of binging and purging I arrived at what would be my spiritual rock bottom. I found myself in the discard phase of the narcissistic cycle.

Most the times during stress I would eat. But turns out when your losing your marriage and life as you know it and dealing with smear campaigns from hell: you lose your appetite.

I lost 30 lbs in a few weeks. My body started eating its own muscles for fuel. I was thin. I was ill.

BUT somehow I felt more worthy.

Fast forward to coming back from that and being healthy BUT being a prisoner to the scale! I would beat myself up the more the number on the scale crept up. It didn’t matter I was victorious because I was healthy and happy! I was unable to see that. I was blinded because of the stupid fucking scale.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
OOOOOOO much healthier in mind, body and soul than I was in the picture on the left.

But I couldn't appreciate what I seen in the mirror or that I FELT so much better because that damned number told me some bullshit lies.

The despair I was feeling got so heavy I knew I had to make a choice. I could choose to be prisoner to the scale or I could break up with it and make my focus and happiness on how I FELT not that number.

As with any change when your addicted/obsessive about something it was a bitch to kick the scale habit. I mean really hard. I studied habits and methods to change habits and have them stick and I am the all or nothing type of person. So I had to quit cold turkey.

And I never looked back. I'm free from being in-prisoned by the scale. I gauge where I am by how I feel when I try on my clothes. If they start feeling a little snug I make small adjustments in the daily life to afford me to get back to my good vibes right away.

I have never felt more free. Well, except when I got divorced from someone who didn't love or respect me I felt pretty fucking free and fabulous then too πŸ€—

But I feel free. I dropped the war with myself. I'm easier on myself than I ever have been. And I think it's no coincidence that I am the most successful in terms of being healthful than I ever have been in my life.

I'm writing this because I was speaking with my girlfriend who was sharing her story and journey with weight watchers.

I know she's been wildly successful in the past using weight watchers and I am behind ecstatic to watch her journey back to health and to loving herself as she deserves to be loved.

But one thing really made my heart break when she was sharing her story. She said she went for weigh in this week and she "only lost half a pound".

My native language is energy before words and I could literally FEEL the defeat seeping from her when she spoke those words.

I KNOW first hand what lower vibrational feelings like despair can do for a person. They can make you give up.

So continued with her story saying how she had done "soooooo Good all week" but was like WTF at her weigh in.

I asked her what "did Good all week" translated into for her. She said she followed her nutrition as she should. Her jeans had started fitting loosely and sagging in her butt. She felt better all around.

When she was telling me this I could feel her excitement and hope but then she stepped on the STUPID MOTHERFUCKING SCALE.

And boom.

Just like that.

Every good, positive feeling she had about herself and her progress was killed.

She didn’t have to continue the story of how her week went after that because I know what happens when a person feels defeated.

She said she had a shitty week. She didn’t follow her Nutrition… she essentially said F it and gave up.

This is SO CRUCIAL and I want everyone to hear this:

Do not let the number on the scale mess with your progress. I know that most of us have it engrained in us that the scale is the only source to gauge our “success” but it’s not.

We have what’s referred to as Non-Scale victories. Aka NSV’s.

And these are your best friends. Your allies. They are there to help you in your journey so you don’t give up when the scale doesn’t budge.

NSV’s are your jeans fitting looser after you have been consistent in your journey. It’s FEELING good and being happy about feeling good. It’s about celebrating you choosing to make the ultimate commitment to yourself to love yourself enough to care for it properly.

They need to be celebrated.

I think I probably blacked out and don’t remember much else because it infuriates me to NO end seeing someone’s progress derailed by the scale.

But I have asked her to go back to how she thought and felt about herself prior to her weigh in. Source those good, positive enthusiastic vibes again.

Getting our mindset behind us is the secret to being a total flipping badass! It’s what I incorporate in my personal training and my go to when I do my transformative guiding.

It’s clutch.

We ALL have the ability to be wildly successful in anything we set our sights on.

I know my friend has got the most tenacious heart. I have no doubts that by her being mindful and diligent about her mindset going forward and working on celebrating her NSV’s along the way she’s going to knock her own socks off.

I want to scream this message from the roof tops though. Don’t just gauge your progress from the scale. Try on your clothes. See how they fit.

Step on the scale if you know about the anatomy and density of fat in relation muscle and understand what body composition means. If you can trust yourself not to be trailed by the scale not moving and keep your positive outlook, then have at it.

If you easily get derailed by the scale, let’s find another method to gauge yourself.

My go to is asking yourself how you fucking feel? Do you feel better when you try on old jeans in your closet and your heart leaps out of your chest because they fit better? Then use that as your guide.

Then use your enthusiasm and high vibes to help carry you on to more success. It’s a domino effect. Use this to your advantage.

Because ultimately when we set a goal to get to a certain weight it’s because in our brains we think that getting to that weight will elicit some feeling we are desiring.

Happiness, confidence, sexiness, self love.. etc.

I’m saying… source that fucking feeling now about yourself WHILE you are journeying down to your goal and watch how your progress catapults. ☺️

Mmmmmm that’s delish.

I am the biggest advocate for us learning to love ourselves to health.

Enough for now.

With much gratitude,

a. Danielle

How limiting beliefs that cause us repeated suffering of a similar flavor can be traced back to a single event…

I have this place in my soul I refer to as the vault that I have shoved memories and things that have happened to me or that I endured to never be seen in the light of day again.

I was delusional in my belief that if I blacked out a traumatic memory it would disappear forever.

I can tell you that could not be further from the truth.

We are not given our tumultuous circumstances for us to shove them away in a dark corner of our soul and not grow from them and use them to catapult us into spiritual growth.

While our waking conscious may not be aware of our past traumas, our subconscious and our soul is very much aware of them. Stuffed traumas can be magnetic for us in a way that we find we relive the same type of trauma but with a different flavor and different characters.

But the damage is all the same.

It’s time I bring Dead Mom to life for you guys so you can get a better grasp of my life and what’s shaped me.

In my spiritual growth I have learned that if we leave things in us that are unhealed (shoved in the vault, unaddressed) that we will unknowingly attract similar situations to us until we learn the lessons we are supposed to be learning from it.

I see the pattern now of something I have been a prisoner of for my entire life and I was able to trace it back to a traumatic occurrence that happened when I was in grade school.

A boy on the school bus started to put his hands on me. It was slow at first as he was testing the boundaries that I neglected to set.

He was an upper class-men and I feared saying anything to him telling him to stop or quit.

I started dreading riding the bus so I would fake sick. Dead mom (who was undead back then 😜) was getting fed up and pissed off at me for being sickly all the time and her having to call me in sick and leave me home alone.

One day during the morning when I was trying to get called in sick a fight erupted and I finally blurted out that a boy had been touching me inappropriately on the bus and I was uncomfortable with it and didn’t want to be around him or ride the bus anymore!

Dead mom did what any mother of the year would do…..

She screamed at me. She blamed me. She threw her purse across the room and stormed around the kitchen screaming profanities because “now how the fuck was she going to get to work and deal with me getting to school”.

I wanted to die.

My loving subconscious only allows me to retrieve just enough of this memory to write about it while sparing me the reminder of the details because the rest is blacked out still. I’m sure it will surface one day and when that comes I’ll bring it to life on paper (my blog πŸ™‚).

That incident right there paved the way for numerous things.

It taught me that I was a hassle for everyone. If I was a burden for my parents who were supposed to love you unconditionally, I for sure am a burden for tertiary peoples as well.

You can see this limiting belief played out to this day as it is extremely difficult for me to rely on or ask for help from others.

This incident showed me that it doesn’t matter if you go to authorities (read: parents, the law, your supervisors) because don’t count on them protecting you.

This taught me that the predator will get away with murder and that it’s not worth the turmoil and heartache to bring up being victimized because it will be ME that gets the repercussions.

This last one has played out several times in my life. It’s because this belief was SO strong in me that I managed to attract more situations that would allow that theory to be proven as gospel.

This showed up the time Mr. Good showed up in the city of Omaha fire truck when I was trying to move out and blocked me in the driveway with the engine.

I’m pretty sure that using City Fire Trucks to harass your soon to be ex wife that was already hiding under ground due to immense fear of her situation – was not kosher.

I reported it as I was advised to do. What happened? NOTHING. The board who reviewed it didn’t think anything was wrong.

This showed up the time I was seeking a restraining order and was denied.

These are the precise reasons victims choose to keep quiet.

This limiting belief has tainted my life incredulously.

There is one incident that has rotted in me that I have struggled to forgive myself for allowing to happen and not saying anything about that I cannot Shake.

Forgiving others is a task. But forgiving ourselves?? Can seem impossible at times.

Several years ago our boss took us to Vegas to a fitness convention. The coworker guy and I were more along for the ride and didn’t have to attend the seminars like the managers all did.

During the first night of the event he and I went walking the strip with our boss. It stared getting unusual when our boss starting wanting to take photos of only me standing bye things on the strip.

I felt the stir in my gut that something wasn’t right. But at that time I wasn’t attuned to the language of intuition and shoved it.

I don’t recall the exact reasoning but the coworker guy and I had to go to our Bosses room for something with him.

I don’t know if I had a gut check at that moment or not as I am writing this I am not clear about it.

But what I am certain of is that what transpired next is blows well past the line of appropriate that it makes me ill.

While all 3 of us were in his room he instructed me to get on his bed and pose.

I KNOW I blurted out NO. Because that was way out of line. I remember looking at him and he had this blank look in his eyes that made him look inhuman. It was frightening like something had snapped in him.

He ended up pushing me by the shoulder on his bed and proceeded to take pictures of me while the coworker guy stood there. I was fully clothed. NOT that that detail matters in any way shape or form because what happened was wildly destructive and inappropriate.

I remember him emailing me later when we got back to Omaha and dropping a little black mail- Esqe type hint in an email about having those photos.

I remember asking him to delete them. He responded back that he was only joking about using them.

I never shared this with anyone back then. In fact, the coworker guy and I never breathed a word about it until many years later. He directly witnessed what happened and subsequently now refers to our (ex) boss as Weinstein.

There are so many things to cover as I type this. Such as the anatomy of why I remained silent with this living in me for all these years.

I will address that later as it is VERY important.

What I want to link together is the incident with my dead mom when I reported the kid touching me on the bus and her response and how what that engrained in me from that moment dictated how I handled situations in my life from then on.

I don’t think we realize the impact we leave on ourselves and others. That adage of get thicker skin or let things roll off your back can really go fuck itself.

Things like this, traumas, can stick with us and haunt us even when we think we have buried it. We won’t make the connections between things until we have a massive awakening and the veil is lifted from us and we see things on a much grander scale.

I couldn’t imagine how different things would be for me had my own mother stood up for me like a NORMAL mother should have.

I distinctly remember vowing to myself then and there that if I couldn’t protect my babies better than my dead mom protected me that I would NEVER bring a child into this world.

That incident buried the chance of her and I ever having a relationship. I built up a Fort Knox around my heart to block her out that would never be removed. Not until many years after her death has it finally started to come down brick by brick.

It feels good to have that freedom. As I learned later we are simply unable to selectively block love.

I recall an incident a while ago where my friends daughter had some punk kid say some pretty heinous threats towards her in school. I recall how I felt the moment I heard what happened and I went into hypervigilent mode wanting to protect her from that and protect her from allowing that to latch into her soul and to wreak havoc in her remaining life.

I probably had a PTSD episode because I literally felt the fear intensely in every cell of my body.

I wanted to save her from the things I couldn’t save myself from. I need not get my feathers in a tizzy because this girl has been gifted with a bomb as set of parents that protect her. Her father was beyond upset with the kid – rightfully so and it was apparent that her feelings and how this affected her was their priority.

That’s how parents should be.

While I was not gifted with those kinds of parents I was gifted with a fucking courageous, resilient heart, the gift of words and the gift of seeing dynamics of things in a light that most don’t.

I realize now how these were lessons I needed to learn and needed to experience to help bring light, love, compassion and awareness to.

I am able to show the connection of life events that were born from that traumatizing occurrence with dead mom.

I am now strong enough with enough courage in my heart to speak my truth even if my voice shakes.

And that’s just what I’m gonna do.

My prayer is that it inspires courageous actions from anyone who needs to do the same.

Enough for now.

Love and light. πŸ”₯

a. Danielle

My contribution to working in a culture of harassment…

For those of you that don’t know me won’t know that my journey on this earth has been riddled with abuse from the onset of my life.

Abuse comes in many different forms. I have witnessed physical abuse and been subject to it.

But the more insidious form of emotional torture of the narcissistic kind of abuse seems to be my preferred choice of receiving.

The definition of insidious is proceeding in a gradual, subtle way but with harmful effects.

That’s the nature of narcissistic abuse. It happens slowly so that you almost don’t even notice it until one day you wake up not even sure how you got to where you are.

I wasn’t exactly sure what I had done in my life to deserve to have been married to a classic, to a T, narcissist, but I really questioned a lot of things about God and life when my boss ended up being the grand wizard of them all.

I feel passionately about the fact that what I have endured I am supposed to use for the greater good of my soul and for those other souls around me that need it.

However, in reflecting back over my employment I realized in shame and horror that I contributed to a culture of harassment that started at the top by our boss.

Harassment and abuse at work has a different flare. With our culture the name of the game was throw someone else under the bus and as long as you weren’t in our boss direct line of fire, you were spared. For the time being.

It didn’t take long for any new employees to learn that trick so the environment was beyond toxic. Co- workers were pitted against each other. If our boss seen any unity between anyone that didn’t center around him, he would go to no ends to destroy it.

I have an ill feeling in the pit of my stomach for being involved in the dynamic. I sat in the Friday morning (death) meetings and watched as our boss demolished anyone that he had his sights set on. It was nothing short of brutal for my empathic spirit to see.

One coworker stands out so clearly to me that I feel moved to reach out to him and actually apologize for the fact that I sat silent and was witness to his soul being raped week in and week out.

Our boss’s M.O. is to never fire anyone. He abuses them so tremendously that a person is forced out. He hates people filing unemployment with him because as per the norm when dealing with a malignant narc, they like to keep (mind) fucking you even when your gone.

I am disturbed by the fact that the culture of abuse is so perverse there that it’s “normal”.

And that is SUCH bullshit.

I used to sit in those meetings that were nothing at all about business in fact I’m pretty positive our boss totally lost sight of the fact that he owns gyms because it seemed to turn into a giant playground for him to abuse people and get them to dance like puppets.

In our meetings he would pull up pictures of our coworkers and ridicule them. And everyone knew you had to participate because he would stand in your throat and bully you until you did.

If you know anything about a narc, they are stunted at a young age and I believe their emotional intellect is stuck back at that age. So I began to realize those forced meetings were him creating his “buddies” where he bullied them into telling him only what he wanted to hear and playing along with anything he said and any ludicrous act he wanted to engage in.

Like clock work anyone that finally left the company would get the standard 2-3 week (sometimes longer) smear campaign and all of his flying monkeys (my coworkers) would agree with anything our boss said derogatory about the employee that left.

I had a co-worker of mine that I had hated for years but finally came around to be able to be friends for the sake of being peaceful at work. When our boss found out about our unity he would ask coworker AF if he and I had fucked yet and if so what was it like. AF was even grossed out by our bosses antics and it took a lot to make him think anything was bizarre.

Our boss sent AF one of the most embarrassing pictures of me I had ever seen. He did it to purposely harm me. AF showed me and laughed and of course I was mortified but at the time I did nothing.

I distinctly remember telling my boyfriend and a girlfriend that at least I am more secure in myself now that it didn’t effect me as badly seeing something that embarrassing.

Like, what in the actual fuck? When did it become necessary for us to get thicker skin to handle this type of shit and it became more ok for harassment of this nature.

The less you had to deal with our boss the better you were. Besides he was the sole owner of the company, the HR person, EVERYTHING so he created a lovely little play ground for him to do as he pleased.

And it became the norm for all of us to turn our heads when another was being abused.

And that’s how I contributed. The shitty thing is that works until the heat starts coming on to you and you get to experience first hand the direct torture.

I stopped attending the meetings. I couldn’t witness anyone else get their soul shredded apart each and every freaking week anymore.

That was the beginning of my demise there. Our boss started initiating all the classic narcissistic tactics that unfortunately for him I was well versed in from my marriage.

I knew something was awry because one day I received a text from one coworker whom I THOUGHT wasn’t a part of the drama and abuse squad and he was begging me to attend the meeting that upcoming Friday.

I almost ALMOST caved and went but I stuck to my resolve and didn’t go. Well our boss announced that we were getting a new software that would essentially “eliminate corporate” (read: me) as he stated. BUT leading up to that point he had made all my coworkers not talk to me about it.

Actually he wanted them to tell me in the meeting and he bribed all them to make it sound like it was their idea to vote in the new software. His plan failed because I didn’t attend. My intuition was screaming at me that it was a total trap.

It was a time I was so very thankful I listened to my gut. I think we all need to learn how to do that more.

The thing that is so frustrating sometimes is that other people don’t realize they are just pawns for the Narc.

Fast forward to the new system being installed and our boss not allowing me access to the new system. I couldn’t clock in and out and that made me nervous because I have seen in the last 18 years working there him fucking with peoples pay. He has done some heinous stuff to people.

Again, I watched, silently 😞

He told me I could get access to the new system when I went and trained with the new company. When I went and tried to train with the new company they were all told they were NOT allowed to give me access to the computer system or allow me to be trained.

He had officially initiated his standard game of forcing me out. He had already planned for coworker AF to replace my full time position with a part time position for him so that “he would be on a better schedule and get out of bed”.

The people at the new computer software company didn’t want to go up against what he was saying because our boss had already ripped apart their boss and bullied all of them.

One day while I was at the front desk of the gym with the new company before our boss knew I was doing that and put a stop to it coworker AF came in the gym, came around the desk, clocked in and went to go train for what would need up being my job.

After he walked away the manager of the gym said “Oh he’s probably just going to talk to our boss because our boss likes to talk about how you guys (me and coworker AF) used to go to the rodeo.”

I was confused because we never went to a rodeo. I love rodeos but we never went. And I said that. And the manager was persistent “Come on Andrea… you know, bullriding….”

Still confused I had no clue. A rep from the new computer system was standing there with us when finally the manager blurted out “Andrea he’s talking about you and AF fucking.” And proceeded to laugh.

I was embarrassed and mortified and all things shitty. I am not hip to slang kids use these days and didn’t know “going to the rodeo” meant fucking.

In my heart I knew being subjected to this type of behavior was beyond inappropriate. But who would I complain to? HR? OHHHHHH ya that’s right. That’s who was doing it.

It was a shifty few weeks. Being singled out, getting the silent treatment, having all the front desk staff at the clubs so confused by what is going on with me and seeing the toxic shit themselves. I was still doing every aspect of my job that I still could.

I am no longer with the company THANK GOD. He finally met with me but not before coworker AF showed up and divulged the fact that our boss wanted to have him be the corporate office person now. That my full time position as I knew it was eliminated.

As his norm our boss went right into ripping apart every aspect of me and my work and everything. It was his unlucky day because before I met with him I spoke with two of my very good friends who KNOW his method of launching a verbal assault so nasty that you lose your shit and walk out.

So we prayed a bit before he showed up. I made sure I was good and centered. I paused and breathed.

It was SOOOOO crucial for me to pause and get centered because what happened in that meeting would have been enough to set someone off. I didn’t take his bait.

I gave him ZERO response when he was degrading me. And man did that cause him to blow.

I will write more about how to communicate with a narc because I know that researching that over these past years helped me immensely. Especially in this situation with him.

He finally said my position had been eliminated so I walked out of his yucky office to get my keys and bring them back.

Prior to the meeting starting I tried to get AF to get our boss to have our meeting out in the open because I hated being in close quarters with him. He’s energy is so terrible a person didn’t want to even be near him.

I found out that of course AGAIN as per Narc norm, he’s lying and saying that I quit and slammed my keys down and walked out.

Which is a flagrant lie.

I am not allowing myself to give any energy to the smear campaign he’s launched AND have asked any friend still associated with that place to not give me any details of what’s going on.

My mission on earth isn’t going to be disturbed or distracted by his nonsense. Because those whom I care about know the truth of the situation. It never serves us positively to run around trying so discredit their smears. Focus forward is my mantra for that.

But what followed this event is still haunting to me. I shared what happened to me with some friends who used to work with me and their first reactions were that “oh he probs sexually assaulted you” or “you could probs sue him for emotion and verbal abuse, harassment, and sexual assault.”

It’s sickening to me that I stayed in an environment and contributed to the culture.

My contribution was my silence.

<<<<<<<<<

andling an abusive work environment is a touchy situation to be in. We were mostly all in survival mode. I knew one day I would write about my experiences. But it’s scary sometimes.

Sometimes we keep quiet about the things that go on because it’s already bad enough having to deal with them in the first place but then to relive them over and over as we share our story can be heavy on our souls.

Most often people just leave and don’t look back. I could very well do that also. But that’s not my life path.

I feel compelled to share my story because I KNOW this type of thing goes on other places. I mean look at the news.

More and more people, women especially are finding their voices and using them to speak out. I was part of a bro culture where they thought it was perfectly ok to talk about my sex life and joke about it AND to do so in the company of people from other companies.

I write about my feelings about me remaining silent as I watched others get bullied because I hope that it maybe makes us think the next time we are witness to something like that.

Normal people don’t go around destroying others. But am I any better because I watched in silence?

I have mixed emotions but one thing I know for sure is that this is part of my story and part of my journey. Being free from there has been INSANELY liberating.

You don’t realize how heavy something is until you let it go.

I’m excited about my new life and my dreams! But I can’t shake the fact that I would leave anyone else to have to endure this type of thing.

I’m thankful that I am sovereign enough now that this didn’t pummel me like my marriage and divorce did. So that tells me I have grown IMMENSELY!

But what I choose to do with my experience is for those who aren’t as solid in their own as I am. It’s for the women in abusive situations that it does pummel and bury.

It’s crazy as I chose to write this today because on my time hop from from this day last year is a photo from notes I took while attending church. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

see where I wrote “He’s not punishing us, He’s using us to help others through things”.

And that’s the beauty of this all.

It is the difference between me approaching this from a victim standpoint or from the standpoint that I am going to use this to create positive change.

I want to bring awareness to the fact that the first thing that comes flying out of our mouths when someone shares they have been involved in an abusive relationship shouldn’t be “why did you stay so long” but it should be “what can we do to help”.

The prayer in my heart today is we break the silence and change the dynamic. There is power in numbers and we need support and to show others that they are supported now more than ever.

Big love today.

a. Danielle βš“οΈ

What seeing my boyfriends text notifications on his iPad has shown me about my personal growth…

This one was sooooo monumental for me I have to share it.

I had to take Bearded things IPad to the gym so I could record some videos for my personal training and well-being social media stuffs because I had forgotten mine at home 3 hours away.

I am NOT a tech person whatsoever. I barely use my iPhone for probs .00063 % of what its actually capable of doing. I have never successfully had a productive conversation with Siri… I am well behind the times of the current trends and fancy technology anything.

I pressed the button on his iPad to get into it and there were a bunch of notifications right on the front page before I entered the password that I realized were his text messages.

I guess you can get them on both your iPhone and iPad at the same time πŸ€”

I didn’t know that was such a thing. But I didn’t want to look at them because I felt like he deserves privacy just as much as anyone else does.

So when you type in the password they go away but you can see a snippet of them on the front page before you unlock it.

I went about my business working out and filming some short videos demonstrating my workout progression and didn’t think much else of it each time I had to unlock the iPad.

But as I was driving home something major dawned on me. It was a huge ass “OMG I think I might be doing life right for once” type of realization.

I know as I write this that I am the ONLY woman on the face of this earth that has ever snooped through her husband or spouses phone πŸ™ƒ

You see my marriage was that type of relationship. And once you go down the dark alley of checking their phones when they leave it laying around it’s an addiction that’s hard to break.

You find things you really don’t want to find. And if you confront them when you find something they always weasel around spewing so much BS it makes your head spin.

All that happens is brick by brick we build up a wall around our hearts and are prisoner to checking and seeing if we can find something on their phone that will justify the ill feelings we have in our gut about the situation anyway.

It’s terrible looking back at my marriage and the antics that went on in those walls.

But when I seen Bearded Things text notifications I realized that I could have at any moment jumped in and read to my hearts content.

But I didn’t.

And here’s why:

First off, I have developed on a personal and spiritual level to the point where I love myself enough now to not be in the sort of relationship where it requires me to check up on their whereabouts.

I made the decision after I healed from the wreckage of the my marriage and subsequent divorce that if I ever found myself in another position where I felt like I had to snoop in a phone I would walk.

I would leave the relationship right then and there.

As I reflect on my marriage I can see I spent an exorbitant amount of time on his trails trying to prohibit him from some of the bullshit he was engaging in. It was exhausting. I put all my energy into catching him doing things and trying to stop it by constantly checking and scouring the earth for signs of foul play. I completely lost myself in it.

And when I found solid proof of things I already knew in my gut were happening I didn’t check in with MYSELF and see what I needed to do in terms of navigating the situation from a self preserving, loved based perspective.

I wanted to lock him down further and keep him in a bubble so he wouldn’t do the things he was doing.

But what I SHOULD have been spending my energy doing was telling him to fuck the fuck off.

Big time.

I am in disbelief looking back at the stuff that I allowed to happen.

That shit would NEVERRRRRRRRRR fly with me now.

I love and respect myself too much now.

Learning how to love and respect myself came well after I allowed myself to be in relationships that were detrimental to my soul.

The other takeaway is seeing how different I am now than in my previous relationship. I am finishing up a 10 month self love guide certificate program that has taught me much about how we love ourselves and how that effects what we accept from relationships with others.

I can feel it in my heart that it’s part of my work on earth to illustrate how learning to love and respect ourselves first is CRUCIAL in determining our relationships with others.

It’s a guidance for what we allow. What we put up with.

I want to inspire a change in dynamic from where a woman has to learn how to be a better detective to find her spouses misdeeds to showing how the woman can love herself enough to tell him to take a flying fuck at a donut. (Read: kick his ass to the curb and celebrate their sovereign bad ass self 🀘🏾πŸ’₯✨).

I’m not saying that relationships can’t be worked on and move past certain situations. What I am saying is that if we find ourself being detective and exhaust ourselves to the point we don’t recognize ourselves when we look in the mirror then we need to love ourselves enough to get out.

I was filled with humble joy yesterday as I realized how much I have grown. This had nothing to do with Bearded things really. It had everything to do with the changes that I have done internally.

There is much power in learning to treat ourselves like we are our most prized possessions. It sets the stage for most all other things in our life.

The more I turned inward and learned to honor and love myself the more rich my relationships became with those around me.

There was a small amount of shedding people and things that no longer served me. And that always kind of rocks you. It’s never easy letting go of people that have been in your life but it’s the most loving thing we can do for ourselves and them to let them go with grace and ease.

It’s my hope that by sharing this that it causes some of us to think. Not necessarily if you are in a situation where you have to be a detective in a relationship but to mostly examine how much we love ourselves on the daily.

Grasping that concept has been one of the most transformational things I have done for myself and my quality of life.

As women we need to collectively raise awareness of this. We all deserve nothing but the best, brilliant, healthy, positive and loving relationships.

We deserve respect.

We can travel to the end of the earth searching for someone who will respect us but will never find it unless we learn to begin with ourselves.

My prayer is that we can learn from each other and support one another and help lead each other to healthy relationships with ourselves first and foremost and then with others.

I consider myself to be extremely blessed. I am grateful for the Bearded things in my life don’t get me wrong but I am most grateful for my awareness of how loving myself translates outward into amazing things.

Enough for now.

All my love. Every bit of it. ❣️

a. Danielle

What I learned by examining my own victim mindset by observing the anatomy of a narcissistic bully situation….

I’m back and ready to dig further into my experience of being on the receiving end of a narcissistic assault from my boss the other day.

I am grateful for the lessons I learned from that experience. I am humbled by the realization that hatred was seething through my veins for not only him but other tyrant leaders in my life (read: my very own dead mom) even if I tried not to acknowledge it.

Once I am able to acknowledge the hatred, it can start healing by me learning to let it go.

I felt very soothed in writing that piece but that was short lived. It was pointed out to me that my words were spoken from a victim perspective.

At first I didn’t (want to πŸ€”) see it that way.

Ego flared its little temper. I found myself trying to justify how the piece came across but at the end of the day I came to terms with it.

It had a victim perspective.

In my particular case I was viewing myself from an almost helpless mindset when dealing with my situation.

But that couldn’t be further from the truth. The part I was missing was that I have gone through so much transformation in here last few years that I am no longer the person I once was where I was easily swayed into believing other people’s views and opinions of me.

I am no longer the woman that had her self esteem and confidence and very identity stripped from her during her marriage that was susceptible to accepting less than treatment from anyone because I didn’t think I deserved better.

The truth of the matter is I ALLOWED what happened to me to happen.

Period.

When I first chewed on that realization that it tasted shit and I wanted to spit it out. But it is the truth.

In retrospect I can see where I gave away some of my power. The sovereignty that I have is freshly budded and will need some practice getting used to but I could absolutely see where I slipped and allowed myself to feel a certain way by what was being spewed at me.

At the core I know more of who I am than I ever have in my entire life. The more solid we are in our resolve of believing in and truly knowing ourselves then the less likely we will be affected when others try and tell us differently.

Narcissists are NOTORIOUS for the slow, methodical, torture and emotional abuse of beating your soul out of you. They are skilled at making you feel worthless, causing you to lose your self and self esteem and a myriad of other fancy words for what really means fucking your world up so badly that your lucky to make it out with one ounce of your soul in tact.

They prey on people that are easy targets for a fuel “supply”. I was an easy target. WAS being the key word.

Here’s where I want to illustrate the importance of knowing who we are, instilling our own love and positive belief systems about ourselves and our daughters, children – EVERYONE.

And start it from a young age. We don’t realize the true detriment of nonverbal things like being shunned and tossed aside when a new baby sibling comes along can do to a persons psyche.

As we go through life we forget our “true selves” because we start listening to our peers and society and other information highways if they tell us we are nerdy or fat or worthless or whatever.

It’s crucial, absolutely CRUCIAL we do everything in our power to keep that solid, strong, sovereign sense of self.

This has been monumental in me maneuvering this ordeal. I’ll explain why:

As I navigate this terrain with my situation I am trying to take the viewpoint of observer and I am learning much about the anatomy of a narcissistic bully situation.

It’s quite intricate the amount of manipulation that gets done. I decided that it’s my calling to write about these experiences for those who don’t have a voice or an option to get out of something similar whether it be work or home or whatever.

The next phase after the assault is a sneaky maneuver where the assassin quickly goes around to the tribe and builds a case in which they are in fact the victim. They initiate operation smear campaign where they start dragging your name through the mud purely to gain power in numbers by getting the upper hand with people siding with them because they share the sob story first.

They will tell the others that you are throwing them under the bus and use whatever toxic methods they can to paint you in a bad light and make others turn against you. They all then start stonewalling you and treating you less than respectfully to capitalize on the amount of pressure and disdain that causes you to eventually break.

This is where it’s absolutely vital for us to know who we are at the core level and believe in ourself a million percent because it gets shitty being ganged up against.

This can be excruciating for the person that is easily affected by being singled out and bullied and intimidated and that needs a sense of belonging to a group EVEN if the group is toxic.

Earlier this summer I read the most brilliant book by Brene Brown called Braving The Wilderness.

The just of it is that the wilderness is finding yourself and being true to yourself even if it means it’s a lonely place.

Life is truly about learning lessons if we pay attention and treat each situation as such. We always have the choice to learn from our experiences or succumb to them.

The situation I am in kinda blows. It’s not something I would try and manifest for myself intentionally but it has shown me multiple things.

The first is the power of braving my own wilderness and learning who I am and knowing that it doesn’t change based on someone else’s treatment of me OR their opinion of me.

That is some good shit right there and WAYYYYY worthy of celebrating!!!!

How people treat us is more of a reflection of THEM than it is us anyway. (Write that kibble down and save it for a rainy day πŸ™ƒ)

This has shown me just how far I have come in the last few years since my divorce and rebirth. I’m (sorta) fine with the bullying and being excluded and watching the toxic dynamic that is going on with using people as pawns for power.

I’m fine with it because it’s shown me that I am not affected by it where as before I would have been destroyed by this type of treatment. It is a perfect recipe for disaster for someone with a crushed self esteem and zero confidence.

That is no longer who or what I identify with. Also, VERY worthy of celebrating!

So even though this situation is not ideal I celebrate these victories and it tastes pretty damn good.

The next thing it taught me is what my victim mindset was trying to serve me. Which was essentially a bunch of dis-empowering bullshit.

I allowed myself to be treated the way I was. I have a choice to tolerate that going forward or not. I don’t have to be scared like the voices in my head try and tell me to be. That is VERY empowering for me.

The other thing it’s shown me is that there is essentially bullies in most groups. There is always that person that isn’t secure enough in their own selves. They don’t try and do the soul work to improve themselves and thus their life so they gain their own approval by applying manipulative tactics to everyone around them. It’s far easier for them to bully and create their own fake reality than work on themselves.

At end of the day we know who loves us for who we truly are and anyone that is willing to crucify us off of someone else’s slanderous claims, ISNT someone that is worth an ounce of our attention.

Therefore zero energy really needs to be exerted in that direction. Which leaves much more time and positive vibes to do the important things in life like remembering each and every day who we are, like loving ourselves and those around us and co- creating brilliant creative lives that serve the most good.

This feels much better for me to focus on examining where I have grown in this situation rather than spend needless time feeling like a victim of my circumstance.

It was a small reframe and mental shift that took me from deflated and low vibe to empowered.

I am learning that sometimes it’s the teensiest change that creates the most dramatic shifts.

Much love.

a. Danielle ❣️