Dead moms and jealousy…

I thought I’d fire this bad boy up here as it’s been a while.

My Facebook group has basically turned into my blog because I know I need to revamp this space but that doesn’t sound fun to me.

I’m a huge fan of not doing things that suck 😜

Peep my Facebook group here:

https://m.facebook.com/groups/1941382006182236

I know in my head what I want this to look like and be, it’s just that I literally have less than zero clue how to run WordPress.

At any rate, here I am.

I love writing.

Which is crazy because I hated it all through school.

Or maybe it was just school I hated in general πŸ€”πŸ˜

Writing is incredibly therapeutic for me and one of the biggest acts of self care and tools for growth and reflection I have at my finger tips.

I could tell a big jam sesh was coming because a spark of inspo will enter my brain seemingly out of nowhere.

I do have an inkling it’s from none other than the divine though. ✌🏽

The seed was planted at my girlfriends moms funeral earlier this week and was solidified when I came across this picture in my time hop history.

This is a get to know the deep side of me piece. So fasten up.

This is my mother law and snibby when she was sick after being on life support for the SECOND time in mere months.

I say IS my mother in law because if I had my way her ass would still be in her earthly body loving on me like she had.

(Warning extreme frankness ahead)

I’ll try to put this to you softly so that I don’t spook any of you but I fucking hated my real mom.

Like loathed to the Nth degree.

I couldn’t stand her demeanor, her behavior, how she pitted us kids against each other by talking shit, how she forsaked EACH of her kids one by one for my stepdad.

I hated her for the dreamy mother daughter bond I so yearned for but never had because she was incapable of loving her kids.

She was so busy chasing the love for herself that she never really got growing up from her father since he was trucking all the time.

(That last tidbit was care of her mother when she was on her death bed and decided to unload copious amounts of funk and info about dead mom to me).

Dead mom (who wasn’t dead then) and I were on a destructive path of hatred turning to physical abuse until she FINALLY let me go live with my dad.

She taught me that while she didn’t want me, she didn’t want anyone else to have me either.

Which then I went off and married a guy that shared that same sentiment.

She never let me see my dad growing up because she’s one of those shitty ass moms who play games with their children in custody bullshit.

Which.

I will go to the end of the earth defending why the mother ISNT always the best choice for children to be raised with.

I’m a product of that.

While I was at my girlfriends moms funeral earlier this week the priest said something that has stuck with me.

He had a beautiful presentation about my friends mom but he said something to the tune that when a mother of the family dies the foundation has been crushed and basically everyone suffers and nothing is the same.

And I sat there like numb.

For the life of me I could not comprehend those words. 🀯

When dead mom died I could breath.

I felt like a big ass set of prison walls around me and my heart had crumbled and I felt alive and free.

I couldn’t help but think, why didn’t I get to feel like how the priest was describing at that funeral, when my own dead mom died?

The way he said it was like a passage of some sort. Something everyone gets to experience…

Even days before dead mom unexpectedly bled to the death on the floor of her house, she was STILL up to her same bullshit.

I began distancing myself from her because even in her state she was still as toxic as ever.

You’d think getting a death sentence and being told you weren’t going to see your next birthday (she had metastatic lung cancer) would maybe change a person a little…

Nope.

True to herself all the way to the end.

So I hated her even when she died.

Until I realized that the hatred was only poisoning ME and not doing anything to her.

I wasn’t trying to feel sorry for myself at that funeral about how my friend probably DOES feel like a piece of her is gone with her mother’s passing.

But I had to wonder what God was thinking when he scripted this life for me that I would be void of motherly love.

I know it’s a situation that didn’t happen TO me, but it happened FOR me.

I can’t wait to connect the pieces one day to figure out the “why” of this.

What dead mom did teach me from a young age was that I could NOT trust females.

Anyone else have that programming?

Maybe not from your mom but in general?

Can I get a hell ya?

If I couldn’t trust the one women in my life that I should have even able to… no one else was getting trusted either.

And let me tell you. Once I established that belief system life gave me plenty of evidence in other snaky women why that was true.

On the flip side of this, during my first marriage when I hadn’t talked to my own real dead mom for 3 years, my mother in law swooped in a took me under her wing and treated me like I was her own child.

Aside from my grandma she was the only maternal support and affection I had.

But that was short lived because she died.

Wayyyyyy to sudden and way before her time.

And that one stung.

She made me bad at dead people.

My coping skills were zilch.

So I did the best thing I could to survive and numb the pain.

I started taking my Mr. Goods ambien. 🀭

On accident.

Which then turned into a very methodical on purpose every single night until I finally went and got my own script from a dr. That (lucky me) was known for burning holes in his prescription tablet.

I liked to believe we had a pretty symbiotic relationship. He wrote scripts and I shoved pills in my face.

Life was dandy.

Or not.

Probably not a good sign when someone takes ambien at 630pm at night to avoid life.

Just saying.

Thankfully after gaining oodles of weight because one of the side effects is literally eating everything under the sun, I knew I had to cut the shit out.

I felt gross and was completely convoluted about the state of affairs of my own life.

Ive always been pretty adventurous and really nonjudgmental.

But when I realized that I was using prescription drugs as an escape rather than to do get better…

I had to change.

So I went cold turkey.

And never looked back. There’s plenty of things I’d almost be tempted to go back and do, but ambien is not one of them.

It’s too easy and seductive to avoid and not deal with real life.

I get overwhelmed and sometimes numbing was the only way to get relief.

Silent prayer for all those out there that do have secret behaviors no one knows about to cope.

My heart holds nonjudgmental space for you.

So. No more numbing for me.

Yippee skippy.

The lesson I learned after mother in law died though, was that the second you lean in and trust and love someone, the rug will get yanked out from under you.

I realize looking back how I had some pretty toxic belief systems about women and jealousy/ bitterness that I needed to heal.

I can’t allow myself to be jealous of other women when they have these big mothers day spreads on social media about how their moms are their rocks and mentors and have been there for them etc.

And I can’t feel sorry for myself like when the other day my friend who owns a jewelry store wanted to get her future daughter in law a spa day to “welcome her to the family”.

While I was granted with 1 mother in law that was special like that, I am afraid 2 is just not in my cards.

Do you know how hard it is sometimes to look out and see other people having things that you want?

Especially when this trips the trigger of that little girl still living inside me that had to grow up with massive lack of self esteem or confidence because she was unsure why her own mother didn’t love her?

Maybe there are some crucial lessons here though?

Like how to be happy for others without turning into a victim and feeling sorry for myself?

Or how I have had to learn to build up my own sense of self, and self worth and confidence?

And how I learned the hard way at a young age if we attach any of those things to anything external of us it’s playing a dangerous game and giving up our power?

I know the latter will help me in coaching all the beautiful women I will work with in my lifetime to learn how to be sovereign and build themselves up from the inside out. 🀘🏾🀘🏾🀘🏾

Maybe that’s the big nugget.

It will always bring me solace to be able to use my pain for growth of myself and those around me.

Like I said earlier I can’t wait till all the pieces come together and it makes more sense why things had to be the way they did.

I know we’ve all been dealt a different set of cards.

Some of you may relate to this and others may not.

My love for us is all the same.

We have to do the best we can with what we have.

Some days are just better than others.

But there is always a silver lining and ALWAYS, always a lesson.

If we could just train ourselves to look for the golden nugget.

Big love here.

Xoxo.

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