I’m dusting off the old pen and taking it to paper tonight because I have about 87 thousand blog posts rattling around in my heart wanting to come alive.
I write to share my perspective on life and the things that happen to me because I am a firm believer that life is always, always trying to teach us something and our task is to pick the lesson out and evolve from it.
It’s part of our transformation and evolution.
We can use the things, whether they be good or bad to help polish us into more brilliant versions of ourselves.
Something happened to me last night that upset me pretty badly.
I was having a FANTASTIC day.
I was excited because Bearded Things was coming home from work out of town and we were gonna go snag a beer at my fave spot.
Alot of amazing things have been happening in my life in terms of growth, inspiration, transformation, stepping into my true self and growing confidence whilst I do.
I had literally just told my husband that I was officially going to name this opening chapter of my life “Unapologetic”.
Because that’s how I have been living.
More and more unapologetic by each decision I make and I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing and liberating and sparkly it feels.
I was unapologetic about how I wanted to dress, look and feel at my wedding.
It looked like a cross between a boho drag queen and it was so fucking perfect and me that I loved every second and can’t stop looking at pictures from that day.
I have been unapologetic about the people I choose to be around and have in my life as I know much about energy and have taken a new stance on protecting and preserving mine.
I’ve been unapologetic about the shenanigans and bullshit I choose to deal with from peeps from old life that try and invite me to drama.
But mostly I have been unapologetic about being me, through and through.
I’ve been embracing my roughness laced with my empathic softness.
I’m learning by the day to love and accept all parts of me and offer this version to everyone, boldly, and no longer water my self down.
I’ve know my whole life I was not normal.
I never fit in a group, EVER.
And still don’t.
I’m extremely passionate and sensitive and can be a powerhouse of energy which means I can be a lot to process.
I have been unapologetically accepting me for who I truly am with all my (quirky) uniqueness.
I am fiercely unapologetic about inspiring others to do the same for themselves.
I now try and make each decision for me and not what I think others might want me to do or what I “should” do and it is so damn liberating.
And it feels so fucking delicious.
But as with life all the sudden you’re fluttering along perfectly fine and then you get tested.
There’s that saying new level, new devil and boy oh boy does that ever carry massive truth.
I was minding my own business last night with Bearded things when a couple came over to our table to chat.
Everything was going fine but then Bearded things walked off to go call his boys.
The conversation turned incredibly sour when the man started telling me how unprofessional it is that I cuss and that people that cuss a lot are actually really insecure and have a lot to hide.
I’m literally sitting there like 😳
This drastic turn blind sided me.
He went on to say that I will fail in my business and I will drive people away and that he’s seen it in a trucking business because of my vulgarity.
Doing my best to not feel like I needed to defend myself but be polite at the same time I told him I appreciated his input but that I’m not going to water myself down and not be authentic because the tribe and clients I want to call in or that I want to be attracted to me should be of the same calibur.
I went on to say that I’m not going to pretend I’m something that I’m not because I believe in raw authenticity and all the peeps that I attract 100% say that’s a top thing they appreciate from me.
He wouldn’t let up and continued to stand on my throat literally telling me that he was sorry but I’m wrong and I’m going to fail.
AND then proceeded to go on a tirade about the crassness of this country and broached the topic AGAIN about how I’m ultimately pushing business away.
His partner chimes in and said that she’s never even heard those words growing up and how they are a church family and pretty much right then and there I stopped being able to hear them.
Bearded things finally came back to the table and they promptly left.
And I was visibly upset.
I was FUCKING LIVID.
I had to go to the bathroom and let the tears flow because I literally could not wrap my head around what had just happened.
I’d met this person ONE other time in my life.
I thought I collected myself and came out to tell my husband what happened.
I ended up getting upset again I had to go to the bathroom and chill out and fan my face to get the redness and puffiness from my eyes to go down so I didn’t look like an ass in the public place.
Why he chose me to pin point and drop his load of venom on I didn’t truly understand, yet.
I wanted to tell him to go thump his fucking bible somewhere else and that good for them that they grew up not even hearing the word fuck.
Cause you want to know what I grew with?
A mother who abandoned her children one by one and left me wondering years well into my adulthood what was so wrong with me that I was so unloveable that my own mother didn’t even want me.
I knew how to call 911 at a young age because two people that shouldn’t have been drinking together matched with their passion and tenacity often ended up in domestic fights that I had to watch.
I saw and experienced things no young little girl should ever have to.
You fucking bet, mother fucker.
Ive been insecure my whole life because I’d been discarded like an old sock by my mother and had that imprinted in me to be the norm so I went on to marry an abusive narcissist that did a number on my soul and did the same shit.
I have been to hell and back and how I’m even upright is beyond me.
So hiding things?
Damn fucking straight.
I’m hiding the hurts and scars on my soul from the traumas I have endured my entire life.
So while your playing in church pews on you’re high and mighty white horse not hearing the word fuck I was battling things that were much too large for my shoulders causing me to often break.
There are no excuses for how that person behaved last night.
It triggered me BIG time.
I was ready to tell anyone and everything associated with them or around them to fuck the fuck off because I have been fighting tooth and nail to become the person I am today in all my brilliance and uniqueness and this shallow minded person wanted to cram me in some stupid fucking box so I would fit in around Ord, NE.
Here’s my thoughts about that:
It’s been hard enough moving here and sticking out like a sore thumb.
Even harder having someone that needs to look in their own mirror go before me and make certain they could paint a shitty picture about me to others when I got here.
It’s an even harder task trying to be authentic while our own inner critics are speaking to us derogatorily and trying to beat us down internally.
I slept on this incident and have had some time to reflect on what my thoughts on this are.
This is what I have come up with.
This was a test.
I’d been on a high of being this out of her closet full version of me that’s loud and big spirited and a free fluttery warrior for others to join me in saying fuck what society or anyone else says we should be or do, let’s just be US.
Peel off the bullshit and breath the truth of who we are.
So I should have known something like this would happen.
It’s like God or the Universe wants us to put our money where our mouth is.
This dickhead was the biggest version of a “Oh really, can you REALLY be you in the face of someone standing on your neck telling you what a failure you’re going to be because of how authentic you are?” test I have ever seen.
I would be lying to you if in those moments after they walked away from my table that I didn’t start questioning EVERYTHING about who and how I was in mere nanoseconds.
I was questioning if I even wanted to be associated with anything to do with where those people were.
In short I wanted to go back into a shell and hide.
The place I finally have crept out of to be where I am today.
And well, fuck that.
I know some of you reading this will go just shake it off and don’t let it bother you.
But I’m not you and that’s not how I work.
I was gifted (or cursed 🤔) with feeling.
I’m empathic by nature which means I literally feel so sensitively that I can feel what others feel and everything is on steroids in terms of sensitivity to me.
It’s why I can’t do groups.
It’s overwhelming to me.
This incident affected me big time.
My choices were to let it sink me and make me second guess myself and change who or how I was…
Or GROW from it and step forward even more fully and boldly and truly accept that I am NOT for everyone.
And I could give less than zero fucks about being accepted by people like that anyway.
And that right there is a HUGE victory for me as an ex people pleaser.
I changed so much trying to get dead mom and Mr. Good to love me that by the end of that I didn’t even know who I was.
I know who I am and what I stand for now and since I have been proclaiming that So loudly lately God had to give me a massive exam.
Um, thanks, NO thanks. 🤔
I had alway previously believed that I was never good enough.
Before I sit and write I always pray for guidance and that I am able leave us with a message and a positive impact.
My message is two fold.
One is when we make any kind of changes in life whether it be a health change like losing weight or an internal change like learning to love ourselves enough to start letting our unique flag fly high, there will always be tests and bumps and turns in the road.
They are out there because we are about to move up to the next level in whatever it is we are embarking on.
This incident and how badly it affected me has shown me that I AM so on the verge of another transformation and this just affirms it.
If you have a set back or some crazy shit that tempts you to go back in a shell or go back to old ways, don’t.
Stand there and weather the storm because you are SOOOO close to the good stuff!
The other message is so near and dear to my heart because I have lost me before.
At the lowest part of my low and rock bottom I didn’t even have a fucking clue who the person was that was staring back at me in the mirror.
I didn’t have a clue what I was, what I was passionate about or what I even liked because I had spent 34 years trying to mold myself into what I thought others would love me as.
And it never worked.
It destroyed me in the processes
But it’s a different story now.
I know what it is I stand for.
I know what impact I want to have on those around me.
I know what I want my legacy to be.
And a large part of all of that is allowing myself the grace to be me and be seen as me, rough edges and fuck words and all.
And I want you all to feel free and safe to do that as well.
As for those people that try and shove us into boxes because our uniqueness and freeness makes them uncomfortable…
Thank them for the cosmic pop quiz that they are and let’s continue to fight for each other so that we can all feel safe to be us free of judgment.
From our own selves and others.
Big love tonight.