Have you ever gotten so pissed off at your significant other that you wanted to brutally destroy them and demolish any shred of the relationship left and do a heel click in the air upon leaving the scene???
Me neither. 🙃
Ok I fibbed (lied my ass off).
From the onset of my relationship I told BT (Bearded Things) that a huge part of my life is writing.
I want to heal and bare my soul to help not only myself but others too.
I also told him when my hair gets healthy enough I want to do ombré purple in it and that I want to be able to show up in this next leg of my life more ME than I ever have and not give a fuck what shallow, judgmental people have to say or think about it.
Andddddddd if at any time none of that is kosher with him we’d peacefully part ways because I already buried a version of myself in the past trying to change to fit someone else’s mold and lost myself entirely.
I don’t write to air dirty laundry.
I write because it’s insightful, Healing and (hopefully) inspiring because we are all stumbling around down here trying our hardest to do this thing called life.
No one gets better if we walk around posting God memes on Facebook acting like our lives are perfect.
Your cruising along just fine in life and all the sudden your hit with a curveball and it knocks you off your rocker.
This happened between me and BT.
We allllllllll come into relationships with baggage and traumas and wounds.
The idea would be that the relationship is a safe place to heal and work through them and grow from them…
We both have some residual ouches from our past that can be triggered and when they are, boy oh boy look out.
Sparing the specific details of what happened we both were triggered.
Something happened that took him back to a painful place and caused him to protect himself by walling up.
I have some triggers myself about being shunned and I will fight till my death to protect myself from perceived threats like that and being hurt like that again.
So I retaliated by getting defensive and we both walled up and cut off the oxygen supply to the flow of love.
I’ve never seen two stubborn bohunks as us.
I had let the anger and residual pain from my own hurts to gain MASSIVE, massive momentum.
I was hurt and I wanted to destroy him.
I saw this and it made me giggle.
But it’s the truth isn’t it?
So I spent the next day and a half with my guns drawn and ready to rip out his jugular until the dust started settling and I could see a little clearer.
The pain inside me started to wane and I started to fill the spaces back in with feelings of yearning for connection and love again.
I know enough by now to know that we are innately made of love, to be love, to have love and to radiate love.
It’s our God given right.
But things happen over our lifetimes that cause us to build walls to protect us from things we have been hurt before from.
It’s a slow deterioration from love to the hardness that happens over time but its eminent.
Our ego starts stepping in and takes on the duty of trying to protect us from anything we have once been hurt from before.
It tries to do good and help us but often times, much like this fight, it can actually hold us back and keep us stuck.
It’s what keeps partners at standstill’s when no one wants to make the move to forgive and let go.
We want to hold on to our ouches with a death grip because we think that’s the way to salvation and protection.
Spoiler alert: It’s so fucking NOT.
I will preach this to the day I flutter off and leave my humanly body, but EVERYTHING is a teacher or a mirror.
After the dust settled we both returned to each other vulnerable and ready to learn more about what happened.
It’s really about me trying to respect and be compassionate for his inner hurts and about me trying to not build another wall up and become stone cold to him.
And it’s NOT easy.
It’s not easy to say “wow you just really hurt me and triggered some trauma shit from my past BUT I can see how you were also triggered and we both didn’t mean to hurt one another”…
This image speaks VOLUMES to the effect of this point.
I fucking love this IMMENSELY.
It’s an exquisite depiction of the tug of war we went through earlier this week.
The inner children are yearning for connection and love but the external (Ego) takes over and wants to protect us and disconnects us from love and who we are at our core.
My strong reaction to what happened this week showed ME just how strong my ego is.
It’s showing me areas that I need to heal.
The situation was just an illumination for me to discover this.
I am grateful for this.
Most the time when we have a severe reaction it’s NEVER about them.
It’s more like a gift to be able to turn inward and reflect, apply some self love salve and heal something that’s ready to be healed.
If we do not do this we will perpetually be on the hamster wheel.
We will repeat the same things and no matter how many different partners we have it will always come down the same shit.
We can choose go to the vault and see our darkness so that it can transform or we can sit around blaming others and acting like victims.
And. Never. Change.
It’s no fun to fight.
I’ll be the first to tell you I can get nasty with the best of them.
It’s not something I am proud of but much rather the result of epic amounts of pain from a young age and having to vehemently protect myself from it as a little girl.
I’m passionate and fierce as fuck.
I know this about myself.
But I’d love to direct that energy into positive, loving ways of being.
The best things about this relationship I have now is that we both are soooooo beyond willing to go deep and learn and grow and it’s been pretty conducive to major transformation for both of us.
My mindset now is to learn how to calm and soothe my ego more effectively and rewrite the story that I have had replaying in my heart about being shunned and abandoned.
I’m NOT that little girl anymore.
I’ve grown and Im learning by the day (and by the fight) how to come home more to me in a light of compassion and growth.
Will there be more fights?
I hope so.
And I hope that we both get better at seeing and using them as a tool to learn, come back to love more quickly, evolve, hold each other more compassionately and love harder than we have ever before.
Life is so yummy isn’t it?