I wonder what it would be like to miss my dead mom…

I have a love/ really fucking annoyed at/ hate relationship with Facebook.

I LOVE soooooo many aspects of it.

Connecting with and loving on my peeps that are not near me.

Getting snippets into the lives of those I care about.

Halloween is one of my very favoritest (made up word) times in the Facebook world because I LOVE ALLLLLL you silly moms putting those ridiculously cute costumes on your babies and children! 🤩😍🌟

My oh my! Those joyful, feel good vibes are nourishing for the soul.

As we all know Mother’s Day was last weekend.

I LOVE the positive energy flow of people pouring their heart and soul out in dedications to their mother’s whether their moms were still in this earthly plane or not.

I love good vibes in general.

All my mom peeps are dead.

So it’s almost an anti-climactic day for me.

I mostly celebrate my girlfriends that I know who are mothers that inspire me and I honor the day that way.

This year was a little different than previous.

I noticed some change in me as the days crept up to Mother’s Day…

I found myself reflecting on what it would be like to miss my dead mom.

If you’ve read my pieces you know that I used to fucking hate her guts.

Oops. 🤭

Too much for you??!

Imagine being me and feeling that way about her.

I have a different twist and view on most things than others and I staunchly believe in eliminating toxic peoples, places and things from our lives.

I also believe that the title “family” can also mean it’s just a license to treat those closest to us like dicks.

Anyone with me on this?

The guilt tripping, shame mongering and flat out manipulating to get us to do things their way or invite so and so here and there because we “should” etc etc 🙄

I had to remove her from my life.

It was not a choice I made easily because it was not the popular choice.

If I had a nickel for every-time someone told me I would be regretful one day or that I should make up with her I’d be rich.

It was really the first opportunity to stand up for myself in my life regardless of other peoples strong opinions on it.

This year a few days before Mother’s Day Bearded Things took me on a 4 wheeler ride during sunset.

I’m not sure what hit my feelers but I asked out loud, to whom I am not sure, what it would be like to miss my mom.

I don’t know if I had a moment of grieving for something? I couldn’t place my thumb on it.

Part of me was a little jealous maybe that all these other peoples had beautiful things to say about their mothers.

How they were so inspiring and thoughtful and supportive and how life has been hard without them (if they had passed in).

I didn’t get gifted with that experience.

I don’t like to go down the path of feeling sorry for myself or trying to take away from what another person DOES have with their mother so I reflected more deeply over the next few days to see what was emerging.

I found myself wondering who I’d be if I didn’t have my past with my mother.

I came to the conclusion that I would be NOTHING like who I am today.

And I finally love this version of me so it was an easy bargain to make and accept.

It took me a while to dig further to see that my mother actually did teach me a lot.

She taught me what I do NOT want to be like in terms of my children.

I had to learn a lot of hard lessons over my lifetime because I spent most of my energy trying to gain her love and approval to no avail.

I went on to manifest more relationships of the same flavor.

I’m realizing that her lack of love to me was a mirror for me showing me that I (all of us actually) need to give ourselves the love we so desperately seek from others.

Life’s been a massive transformation over these last few years.

Such as with this situation with my mom I am learning that the most traumatic or deep wounds are where the most opportunity for growth and expansion lies.

I could spend my time wishing my past could have been different.

I could waste my time feeling sorry for myself or letting it weigh me down with shame and remorse.

But I don’t want those heavy feels.

Letting go of how we think life “should” look like and be is crucial for our sanity.

Acceptance of what IS, is also a key element to our wellbeing.

Those two items are not easy to tackle.

Each year I get a reminder of this.

I saw this meme earlier and it hit me in the feels.

AGAIN.

For a fleeting moment I felt anger or resentment and felt sorry for myself that I didn’t have one of those magical unicorn mothers that I could feel this way about.

But then it dawned on me that our thoughts create our reality.

And even though I can’t (and don’t want to) change the circumstances I could change how I viewed it.

She is an angel.

In her own right.

She taught me what not to do.

And she taught me to learn to ALWAYS, always source love from inside or else we will always wander this earth looking for it in all the wrong places.

Those are angel worthy lessons.

It might not be what others experience.

But it’s mine.

And I can accept that for what it is.

I did start a tradition last year for my own Mother’s Day tradition to plant a tree or something good for the world and love the fuck out of it.

This is my baby from last year. It has a beautiful flower bud on it that I could jump out of my skin in excitement about!

It’s beautiful and it’s reminds me to cherish the ability to pluck the silver lining out of a shitty circumstance and accept the things we cannot change.

Enter: The serenity prayer.

This is my new love from this year. It makes me happy.

So do bare feet.

I love all you mothers out there.

I hope you love you, too.

I know each day that clicks on my relationship with my mother heals a little more as I open my heart and see through a lens of compassion. (👈🏾 Tough AF).

I also believe that the more I heal the relationship with her, the more I heal my relationship with me.

Big love.Xoxo

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