I’ve been sitting around with so many words in my heart and soul it’s time to put the pen to paper.
This subject has been sitting (pretty fucking) ill with me for a while and I have simply been unable to shake it.
So that’s where journaling and blogging come in for my healing prescription and therapy.
Lucky you. 🙃
If any of you have followed my work and writing you may have the slightest inclination that my life history has been riddled with self-confidence, self-esteem, and major insecurity issues.
These were birthed from being tossed aside like an old sock constantly over the duration of my life beginning when I was a little girl.
For me what that taught me from a young age is the brutiful (Yes 😌 that’s a word) habit of people pleasing and trying so desperately to change myself to be something, ANYTHING other than what I was, was chipping away at the core of my being each and every time I sacrificed my truth for being accepted.
It was always engrained in my poor heart that what I was, wasn’t good enough.
If I was good enough, then I would have been loved and accepted and at least someone’s top 948383737 pick.
It was from this that I started into my juvenile years completely unsure of who or what I was or what I stood for.
I was so turned upside down by then and as time clicked on it only grew worse.
The older I got the more difficult it became to figure out how to fit in.
It had my head spinning watching groups of females say they were all best friends but then watching them vehemently and viciously backstab their own brethren.
I fucking hated it.
All I knew at that point was that I didn’t fit in and I was pretty sure I didn’t want to.
But that left me so severely unsure of myself going into adulthood that I can look back and see how I morphed into whatever group was around me for the time being.
I always felt like I didn’t belong though.
I always knew it deep down.
And instead of accept the fact that I am a unique and one of a kind spiritual, fluttery being…. I shoved my true, TRUE self in a box never to be seen again because it was easier to try and morph to what was around me to feel pseudo-acceptance rather than swallow the bitter pill of not being loved and accepted for my truth.
I tasted enough of not being loved and accepted growing up.
I will spare the details of the disaster that was my marriage because while it was not a pretty sight, it afforded me the most INCREDIBLE transformation I could have dreamed of and more.
So fast forward a few years of coming into my own, doing some major ass internal work, finding out what makes my soul tick and diving head first into a relationship with God and supplementing it with copious amounts of energy Healing…
Here I am 🙂
I’ve started to live my dream.
I’ve gained confidence to step out of my comfort zone and really find my passions.
I have felt the tables turn on being able to be authentically me while still moving forward despite that small fear that I may be too much for some still residing in my heart.
Ive begun living bold and pretty (peacefully) unapologetic about the things I choose to do and most specifically the people and energy I choose to surround my heart with.
I’m gaining more and more confidence to really allow my true essence to shine through in what I do and how I speak and write even if it does involve profuse use of the word “fuck”. 🙃
I’m doin me harder and more fully and boldly than I ever have and I have fought pretty fucking hard (there’s that “F” word again ☺️) to get where I am.
This transformation has come with some turbulence but the feeling of living my true, authentic self FAR outweighs the downsides.
But here’s the thing that’s currently catching me that I was having troubles making some sense out of.
I have spent my whole ENTIRE life overcoming my own demons, my own darkness, my own traumas and my own bullshit to be where I am today.
But now it’s hard when I see I am being duplicated.
And not in a slightly unnoticeable, it could be a coincidence kinda way either.
But in a way that causes me to flinch in a little bit of defensive fucking fury over.
I’ve tried to talk myself up, down, around and every which way backwards about this.
I also know that what I focus on will gain momentum and although I try with all my law of attraction loving, spirit heart I could not help but feel major resistance to this.
I don’t know if it’s because I am so protective of my newfound being and that I have fought tooth and nail to become this version of me that when someone just steps in and replicates what’s taken me years to emerge as and be, it hits a nerve.
A major, MAJOR part of my transformation and something I value as highly as fluttering and freedom is authenticity.
It was being scarred in the drama bullshit that was high school and fake relationships at work and a these pseudo-sisterhood fake relationship building sales bullshit that inundates our every day life that I am ADAMANT… adamant, adamant, ADAMANT about truth.
In each of us and in our relationships.
But I’m ubber adamant about hey fucker… I fought long and hard to be me and finally show up to be me, why don’t you just not be me.
Why don’t you be you the one you were before you started to emulate my words and actions.
Because I know that whenever something is brought up in me that elicits this big of a feeler it’s time to go into the vault and find which old wound has been reopened.
And here’s what I found.
The feeling I am having by being replicated triggers a major ass insecurity in me of a timeless pattern in my life of being replaced by a newer make and model.
It’s been repeated in a vicious cycle since the onset of my life.
I was tossed aside when dead mom (who wasn’t dead then 🙃) found my stepdad and subsequently sorta forgot she had kids 🤔
Or maybe we got in the way of her finally finding what her poor soul had been longing for for her entire life is a better way to put it.
And because dead mom was one of those AMAZING (👈🏾flagrant lie) moms that liked to play games with split custody and never let me see my Dad, I grew up feeling like he found something better than me. Too.
If you know old life you know the truth about the demise of me being Wife #2.
Down to the being replaced at the job I was at for 18 years. (HUGE huge huge blessing so no worries 😉).
But the pattern is there in black and white, branded into my soul.
I also know we are presented with the same lessons (UNlucky us 😣) until we learn what it is we are supposed to learn from it and grow THROUGH it.
So what does this all mean?
It means to me that being replicated triggers the age old wound of fear of being replaced and chosen for something better thus making me feel like a worthless, failure and crippling my self-esteem, self-confidence and how I subsequently view and value myself.
I have had this swirling in my heart space for far too many years and I am MORE than ready to heal and release this.
This is a childhood wound.
When this feeling comes up it’s basically that little girl that first got her soul trampled on and destroyed trying to remind me of how that feels and to try and prepare me for getting hurt again.
But that’s the thing about our psyches and our vaults (the place where old ouches are stored).
I’m not that little girl anymore.
I’ve grown sooooo very much.
I’ve healed so much.
We don’t have to keep listening to those old stories about ourselves.
I have learned that people pleasing isn’t in fact beneficial to anyone. In fact it’s a huge ass abomination of our very soul.
I’ve learned that I will be too much for some people and not enough for others and that’s MORE than ok.
Like super duper ok.
Over this last few years I have learned to love myself how I so desperately sought to be loved by others and how crucial this is to ALLLLLLL of our existence.
Self-love isn’t just some nifty thing to hashtag and post memes about.
It’s the real fucking deal.
So after I fluttered around in the vault and got down to the root of the big issue I am able to walk away with these truths:
It might still irk me to see my originality be duplicated. But not in the same disgust, fear and other lower vibrational feels as it did before.
I am no longer afraid of someone else being a better version of me. Because I know if they were busy worrying about being the best version of them in a confident manner they wouldn’t be emulating others.
I know this because I too, was guilty of that in the past.
It won’t cause me to fear that I am going to flashback to that 5 year old constantly getting tossed aside by her mother and having someone or something better picked over her.
Because no matter how hard anyone tries they can never truly be us.
And that’s our real super power.
I will live every single day of the rest of my life intrigued by how what seems to be a “them” issue, never really is.
It might SEEM like they are the ones that need to change and be fixed but it’s never about them.
It’s always about what they are triggering in US that needs to be acknowledged, accepted and released.
And man, that’s hard fucking work.
It was so much easier getting pissed about being imitated than it was to dig in my own darkness and wounds.
I know one thing for sure life was sure a lot more simple before I took on this big ass spiritual journey.
But I will tell you that life has been much more brilliant and fulfilling since I started to REALLY learn about, love and accept me.
All parts of me.
I shine the light tonight and forever to invite all others to do the same.
Massive (self) love and acceptance.