I haven’t been wordy for a while.
Well that’s a lie. Ive been wordy cause that’s who I am on a cellular level 😜
I just haven’t officially worded in blog form lately.
So here goes:
Something rattled my little heart the other day and it’s through writing I am able to journal and heal.
I waitressed at my girlfriends bar the other night. I can count on one hand how many times I have ever waitressed and they have ALL been at her place.
Most the times it’s been slanging beers at peeps for poker runs so it wasn’t all that intricate.
I have less than zero experience in the food serving, waitressing arena. So I’m probably admittedly, not the greatest.
As with most new things people try they are probably going to stumble around until they get their bearings and then get better with experience.
I wasn’t doing too terrible in my own eyes. But for some reason I can’t let go of overhearing a girl at a table I was getting an order from make a snark ass comment about me.
I had taken one families order from that table and this other girl was there with her daughter. I was going to get her order in a second after I yelled out to the guys in charge of grilling how many burgers we would be needing so they could get their food faster by giving them a heads up.
But Miss Snarky said something to another girl at the table to the effect of “OH You probably over did it for her (me) she can’t handle that much (order taking)”….
It was busy in there and whatever. I was able to ignore it. Until I wasn’t. Of course, because it ate on me.
It’s sitting heavy with me for several reasons. The first is I have less than zero experience waitressing. That was probs my first time doing it with food involved.
I could never imagine mocking someone for working out for the first time and not having a clue what they were doin even though I am skilled and have years of experience in that arena.
So it sits heavy on me when people mock others.
Second, I wanted to tell her maybe the fact that I get overwhelmed and stressed out is because I have a huge fear of fucking up someone else’s things or business for them.
And that stemmed from being a little girl probably the age 6 with my step dad. I was in the garage with him when he was doing some carpentry work. I accidentally nudged his trim he was cutting and made him mess up and the next thing I know he’s exploded, cussing and throwing the wood all around the garage and it terrified me.
That was the beginning of years and years worth of being told I was stupid for not knowing how to do something when I have never been shown. I have IMMENSE anxiety of trying new things because of those old traumatic experiences.
To another person it might not seem like a big deal. But to me and my intricate making it is.
The immensity at which my stepdad blew up that day made my little 6 year old shoulders fear that I was going to get him fired, we weren’t going to be able to afford rent and we were going to be homeless.
I was never told that things were going to be alright.
For my sensitive heart it’s hard for me to understand in a time where things are already hard enough in life why another person would willfully and recklessly wish to undermine another with a complete absence of any compassion.
Unfortunately, that comment about my waitressing isn’t the first slew of toxic garbage to come out of her mouth towards me.
But it’s getting old.
I’m not even going to lie to you. I may be spiritual and woo as fuck, but that little 6 year old hurt girl in me wants to rip this miserable person a new asshole.
It makes me envision myself telling her about herself and unleashing the fury on her.
I reflected over how her comments take me back to an unpleasant place in my heart about my life growing up.
It also made me realize the power of our words.
It also made me realize the power of my defensiveness. It’s no fun hearing critical things about yourself especially if it’s in an arena that’s a major sensitivity landmine.
It took me a while from evolving from where I wanted to tell her to go fuck herself to really sitting back and asking myself if I really believed what she said about me to be truth?
I laughed then because I realized that while I might not be the worlds greatest waitress, God has given me numerous other gifts that far outweigh trying to please a seemingly miserable, shallow female with a cheeseburger.
I was gifted with a intuition and a passion for helping heal others from not only their own self imposed suffering BUT from pseudo-bullying just like that poor girl was doing to me with her hate spewing.
It became comical to me that while she was mocking ME for my lackluster skill in an area I have zero experience in, that I am actually fully capable of helping to illuminate pathways of healing in others from shit people like her cause.
No I’m not a fucking waitress.
So what now though?
I see her EVERY. DAMN. TIME. I am at my friends place.
If I have words with her she will make the situation more miserable than her mere presence already does.
I know hate cannot drive out hate.
And I also know that hurting people, hurt people. She’s miserable inside. Clearly unhappy.
The best thing I can come up to fight back is to send her love.
But let’s be real… it’s hard. REAL fucking hard to send someone love when they do nothing but terrorize you.
So this will be an exercise in being human for me.
Will I fail??! OHHH I’m German, Irish, Bohunk and was gifted with the shortest fuse on earth only after Gramps and dead mom once it’s been lit ☺️
I really imagine saying things to her like this:
So while it may look like the lights are on but no ones home. I actually have LOTS goin on. It’s just that most those things should probably stay nestled safely in my brain. 🙃🙂
I feel better writing about it and reading this myself I know that I am not that 6 year old girl anymore. I realize my defensiveness stems from those old experiences. I don’t need to retaliate in defensiveness.
Even though miss snarkypants is unpleasant it has shown me areas in myself that I need to come to with more compassion about myself. It’s shown me contrast of how NOT to be towards others.
It’s also showing me that while it’s fun to future fake scenes of me clawing her peepers out, that it’s actually more crucial to be even more light for others so that they don’t have to feel less than and can grow with confidence in any new endeavors they try.
It reminds me that there will always be opposition, cruelty and recklessness but to keep showing up with more light.
And finally it reminds me the importance of compassion.
To ourselves and others. Even when it’s hard….
ESPECIALLY when it’s hard.
With all my absolute love and light.