I missed a dead person today.
This might not seem like a big deal to anyone else but to me it is.
I wouldn’t say I pride myself on being good at dead people, but I’m pretty good at it.
I coined 2011 “The Year of the Dead People” for me. Not to be confused with 2012 being “The Year of the Black Cloud” 🙂
My beloved mother in law died at 8:42am on 2/2/11. Neen Aka Grandma Betty AKA dead moms mom died on dead moms birthday 8/11/11. Then dead mom took the flutter out of her earthly body about the same time in the morning a few weeks later on 9/2/11.
This made me really good at dead people.
When dead mom was going through her cancer treatment I was the one that went to the appointments and had to reiterate what the drs were saying to my stepdad who was in denial about imminent death of his soul mate.
I forced the drs to cut the bullshit and tell me the straight up non fluffy facts. I knew my mom was going to die. I had a funeral for her long before she crossed over.
I was numb.
Neen was obese. Her body had long given up on her. She couldn’t get around and had horrible knees to boot. She was supposed to have a simple knee surgery to repair a botched job. She got sepsis and died.
My heart and soul are made up a little differently than the average bear. I believe heavily in spirit and know that our dead people are constantly around us in their non physical form.
With Neen I was half relieved when she ditched her body. It was hard seeing her the way she was on earth. She had a boat load of pills she was always taking and it was pretty excruciating to be see.
Of course I’d rather had her in a healthy body where she could be active and happy and spoiling all of us grandkids that she pretty much raised.
My view on death and dying is very liberal. I don’t fear it for myself or for others. I know I will see them again. And I know things always happen for a reason.
However, today something strange happened.
I was moving and noticed that on my beloved night stand that Grandma Betty made me for me there was some handwriting on the bottom of it. I never noticed this before.
it was little note from my grandma. I don’t know what it was about that note or the writing but I became overwhelmed with emotion. It was as if I could feel her fill the entire room up.
This took me by surprise because I don’t get emotional. I’m not attached to dead peoples “things” or property. I was really taken aback.
I finished moving and putting stuff away but I couldn’t kick thinking about the feeling that I had.
I reflected further and realized that there is a possibility that while I have always coined myself at being good at dead people what I was actually good at was putting up walls around my heart so I wouldn’t have to feel.
I am far enough along in my spiritual journey to know that we are simply unable to selectively numb things.
I must say that building up a Berlin Wall around my heart to numb is MUCH better tactic than my previous go to combos such as Xanax + wine or Ambien + any boozy treat.
It was weird feeling this way though. I found myself wondering if this was just a short glimpse of what other people who grieve feel like well after their loved ones are gone.
I recall Dad telling me that this thanksgiving was hard on him because it was the first year his mom wasn’t on this earthly plane.
But I remember telling him that I guess I could be thankful because even though I suffered great loss in a short amount of time I don’t have any residual sorrow from it.
Or do I?
Over this last year I have embarked on a journey to embrace self-love. Through this process I KNOW I have knocked down some barriers within me that restricted me from loving myself and in turn prevented me from truly loving others.
I loved. But at an arms distance.
I could arguably say I didn’t much love me at all. Which was the root of the problem.
As my heart wall gets removed a brick at a time I can attest to the fact that new fresh feelings are coming in.
Tonight for instance really rocked me a bit. I was uncomfortable because I wasn’t used to feeling so fully.
I look back and see when the first brick of my heart wall was put up. It was when my beloved mother in law died.
I was fucked up. I watched my husband spiral from his loss. And I dove face first into his Ambien which was the onset of my drug induced heart wall building phase of life.
I think we all do this to a certain extent. We deal with trauma in our own unique ways. My emotional intellect was lackluster so I turned to drugs to cope.
While I was drugging myself my internal Bob the builder was building a fortress around my heart so I didn’t have to feel once I kicked the drug numbing mechanism.
It worked. But it didn’t. I blocked so much love from flowing in and I can see that now.
It wasn’t terrible feeling that tiny moment where I actually missed my grandma. It was actually quite beautiful after I thought about it.
It felt good to feel. And I have been doing a lot more of that lately in my journey.
I think the problem with us is that sometimes it’s hard to sit with our shit. It’s hard to handle those lower vibe feelings. I think we need work on being able to navigate and allow them instead of pushing them under the rug or numbing ourselves out to avoid them.
I know beyond a reasonable doubt that because of the transformative work I have been going through and the self love journey I have embarked on that I am able to feel a broader spectrum of emotions.
I am the happiest, most peaceful, empowered, sovereign, joyful version of me that I have ever, EVER been in my entire existence.
If a small side effect of that is feeling a vast array of emotions more fully to be able to access this level of living I have evolved to, then so be it.
I might even go on to say that for the first time since she’s died I could really feel her presence and energy.
So fuck this heart wall.
I invite anyone whose ready to join me to start working on taking down their heart walls and any other barriers we have to allow love to flow more freely.
It starts with us though. Love begins and ends with us.
I can see where trauma had hardened me. And that’s not how I want to live moving forward.
Emotions are not bad. It’s the judgement we place on them when we are feeling them that attaches a negative connotation.
2017 was a year of major demolition for walls and barriers against Love. My transformation because of this has been nothing short of phenomenal.
2018 is going to be amazing.
My prayer is that we are each able to tap more deeply into our heart space and access the parts that allow for true transformation.
Enough for now.
a. Danielle ❣️