What I learned by examining my own victim mindset by observing the anatomy of a narcissistic bully situation….

I’m back and ready to dig further into my experience of being on the receiving end of a narcissistic assault from my boss the other day.

I am grateful for the lessons I learned from that experience. I am humbled by the realization that hatred was seething through my veins for not only him but other tyrant leaders in my life (read: my very own dead mom) even if I tried not to acknowledge it.

Once I am able to acknowledge the hatred, it can start healing by me learning to let it go.

I felt very soothed in writing that piece but that was short lived. It was pointed out to me that my words were spoken from a victim perspective.

At first I didn’t (want to πŸ€”) see it that way.

Ego flared its little temper. I found myself trying to justify how the piece came across but at the end of the day I came to terms with it.

It had a victim perspective.

In my particular case I was viewing myself from an almost helpless mindset when dealing with my situation.

But that couldn’t be further from the truth. The part I was missing was that I have gone through so much transformation in here last few years that I am no longer the person I once was where I was easily swayed into believing other people’s views and opinions of me.

I am no longer the woman that had her self esteem and confidence and very identity stripped from her during her marriage that was susceptible to accepting less than treatment from anyone because I didn’t think I deserved better.

The truth of the matter is I ALLOWED what happened to me to happen.

Period.

When I first chewed on that realization that it tasted shit and I wanted to spit it out. But it is the truth.

In retrospect I can see where I gave away some of my power. The sovereignty that I have is freshly budded and will need some practice getting used to but I could absolutely see where I slipped and allowed myself to feel a certain way by what was being spewed at me.

At the core I know more of who I am than I ever have in my entire life. The more solid we are in our resolve of believing in and truly knowing ourselves then the less likely we will be affected when others try and tell us differently.

Narcissists are NOTORIOUS for the slow, methodical, torture and emotional abuse of beating your soul out of you. They are skilled at making you feel worthless, causing you to lose your self and self esteem and a myriad of other fancy words for what really means fucking your world up so badly that your lucky to make it out with one ounce of your soul in tact.

They prey on people that are easy targets for a fuel “supply”. I was an easy target. WAS being the key word.

Here’s where I want to illustrate the importance of knowing who we are, instilling our own love and positive belief systems about ourselves and our daughters, children – EVERYONE.

And start it from a young age. We don’t realize the true detriment of nonverbal things like being shunned and tossed aside when a new baby sibling comes along can do to a persons psyche.

As we go through life we forget our “true selves” because we start listening to our peers and society and other information highways if they tell us we are nerdy or fat or worthless or whatever.

It’s crucial, absolutely CRUCIAL we do everything in our power to keep that solid, strong, sovereign sense of self.

This has been monumental in me maneuvering this ordeal. I’ll explain why:

As I navigate this terrain with my situation I am trying to take the viewpoint of observer and I am learning much about the anatomy of a narcissistic bully situation.

It’s quite intricate the amount of manipulation that gets done. I decided that it’s my calling to write about these experiences for those who don’t have a voice or an option to get out of something similar whether it be work or home or whatever.

The next phase after the assault is a sneaky maneuver where the assassin quickly goes around to the tribe and builds a case in which they are in fact the victim. They initiate operation smear campaign where they start dragging your name through the mud purely to gain power in numbers by getting the upper hand with people siding with them because they share the sob story first.

They will tell the others that you are throwing them under the bus and use whatever toxic methods they can to paint you in a bad light and make others turn against you. They all then start stonewalling you and treating you less than respectfully to capitalize on the amount of pressure and disdain that causes you to eventually break.

This is where it’s absolutely vital for us to know who we are at the core level and believe in ourself a million percent because it gets shitty being ganged up against.

This can be excruciating for the person that is easily affected by being singled out and bullied and intimidated and that needs a sense of belonging to a group EVEN if the group is toxic.

Earlier this summer I read the most brilliant book by Brene Brown called Braving The Wilderness.

The just of it is that the wilderness is finding yourself and being true to yourself even if it means it’s a lonely place.

Life is truly about learning lessons if we pay attention and treat each situation as such. We always have the choice to learn from our experiences or succumb to them.

The situation I am in kinda blows. It’s not something I would try and manifest for myself intentionally but it has shown me multiple things.

The first is the power of braving my own wilderness and learning who I am and knowing that it doesn’t change based on someone else’s treatment of me OR their opinion of me.

That is some good shit right there and WAYYYYY worthy of celebrating!!!!

How people treat us is more of a reflection of THEM than it is us anyway. (Write that kibble down and save it for a rainy day πŸ™ƒ)

This has shown me just how far I have come in the last few years since my divorce and rebirth. I’m (sorta) fine with the bullying and being excluded and watching the toxic dynamic that is going on with using people as pawns for power.

I’m fine with it because it’s shown me that I am not affected by it where as before I would have been destroyed by this type of treatment. It is a perfect recipe for disaster for someone with a crushed self esteem and zero confidence.

That is no longer who or what I identify with. Also, VERY worthy of celebrating!

So even though this situation is not ideal I celebrate these victories and it tastes pretty damn good.

The next thing it taught me is what my victim mindset was trying to serve me. Which was essentially a bunch of dis-empowering bullshit.

I allowed myself to be treated the way I was. I have a choice to tolerate that going forward or not. I don’t have to be scared like the voices in my head try and tell me to be. That is VERY empowering for me.

The other thing it’s shown me is that there is essentially bullies in most groups. There is always that person that isn’t secure enough in their own selves. They don’t try and do the soul work to improve themselves and thus their life so they gain their own approval by applying manipulative tactics to everyone around them. It’s far easier for them to bully and create their own fake reality than work on themselves.

At end of the day we know who loves us for who we truly are and anyone that is willing to crucify us off of someone else’s slanderous claims, ISNT someone that is worth an ounce of our attention.

Therefore zero energy really needs to be exerted in that direction. Which leaves much more time and positive vibes to do the important things in life like remembering each and every day who we are, like loving ourselves and those around us and co- creating brilliant creative lives that serve the most good.

This feels much better for me to focus on examining where I have grown in this situation rather than spend needless time feeling like a victim of my circumstance.

It was a small reframe and mental shift that took me from deflated and low vibe to empowered.

I am learning that sometimes it’s the teensiest change that creates the most dramatic shifts.

Much love.

a. Danielle ❣️

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