I had an INCREDIBLE day yesterday. It was just one of those where I felt connected, in alignment, and all things sparkly and fiery ✨🌟🔥💛
I had a Reiki treatment last week and was waiting for the epiphany of beautiful healing to surface and it showed up with a major dose with Grace for me yesteday.
It started off on the drive to the gym in the morning. I rando had a deep remniscent flash of my high school boyfriend Marc…
He is my universal symbol of the only time I have felt truly loved, adored, treated like a queen all things every girl could dream of and more.
He loved me for my crazy… he didn’t judge my family and poverty level lifestyle my family was rocking and even put up with my crazy ass Dead Mom (who of course, wasn’t dead then 🙃) even when she wanted to try and put a restraining order against him because he was a senior and I was a freshman and she was just a flat out crazy B.
Looking back, the feeling that he gave me felt like home. It was that all emcompassing blanket of wholesome, full, love.
His soul is so kind and pure and his heart so loving and wholesome. They broke the mold when they made him.
BUT yessssssss as you could predict I shredded that to shit.
Just obliterated it.
Another story (multiply blurbs) for another day.
I didn’t think MUCH of the “Marc moment” other than it usually just makes my soul smile, I acknowledge it and move on.
Except now I am getting more in touch with my inner wisdom and the myriad of ways God and the Universe communicates with me, so I was waiting for the swing around.
So I shelfed it…..
I got to work and had a webinar on creating a solid marriage and preventing the cracks that usually open in a troubled one (yes….. more writing about that on another day also 😜) I missed it because well… I get sidetracked and times not my jam 🙃
I was reading the replay email about it and wouldn’t ya know… The person sending the emails name… Yup.
Ok here’s thing two….. I know something’s coming down the pipe now.
I opened myself up for whatever it was that needed to be seen.
And then it softly landed in my heart and surfaced into my conscious.
During my “post-op” discussion in my Reiki session the major underlying issue that kept wanting to be brought to light was that I need embrace the fact that it’s ok for me to accept love…..
This sounds easy on the surface but for me…… NOT.
With my delicate interweavings that make my heart and soul mixed in with the fact I was birthed by a human I vote should never have been allowed to procreate as a mother plus being tossed aside like an old sock starting with her going through a myriad of others including my latest contribution to misery Mr. Good…. is a huge ass recipe for a lot of struggle in the acceptance of love department.
Which then manifested into a full fledged crisis with self love. It’s all tied together…
I piece the puzzle together like this:
From a little girl I was shoved aside to no fault of Dead moms because she was on her own journey of finding love (in all the wrong places) of course.
She needed to find something that soothed her heart that over powered her motherly drive and instinct. I have forgiven her, from a spiritual compassionate standpoint.
We all just want to love and be loved right?? I am not able to fault her.
But how I suffered from this going through my life was that I didn’t know how to accept GOOD wholesome love when I had it.
It was something not one ounce of my soul or cells were used to…
So I did what I only knew best to do at the time. I fucking destroyed it.
Shredded it to hell and back.
Then went on to be in a series of relationships that destroyed me….. But until the king pin one that was my marriage I didn’t really realize the effects that it was having on me. Because I was “used” to feeling like that….
And that’s the exquisite thing about Reiki healing…. It illuminates things for us that need love salve smoothed on it that we may not consciously have a clue about.
What this brings to light for me is the fact that I get a second chance to re-write the story that was on a loop in me. That loop will now say I AM worthy of wholesome, true, healthy love.
But I must MUST to do the reflecting and healing in me to embrace those traumatic emotional wounds that are deep inside me so that I can rewrite my new story or else I will be stuck in a repeat cycle of attracting relationships that do not serve me or my fluttery soul to its hightest good.
Like don’t even come near me until I have gone in the trenches with this one because I will fuck you up, shred you to pieces and destroy you. The weak need not apply for being my co-pilot that is FOR SURE.
I text my soul seester and said I had a “Marc moment” to which she appropriately replied “oh fuck” because she knew it was gonna be a doozy.
I have to make sense of all this. Everything. The things that are said, the thunderous booming things that we absorb that aren’t said, the why’s, the how’s…. EVERYTHING.
I’m thankful this was brought to the light for me.
This was a huge dose of Grace for me.
It’s an intricate part of my dance here on earth to be able to flow and grow through these things.
I am a firm believer that we are not made to suffer. I think we go through these things that are used to help us learn lessons and then help us be light sources for others that need to be Harriet Tubmmaned through to their own healing journey.
I could choose to ignore this and try and jam myself into another relationship and donate another couple years to something that will ultimately dim my light. OR I can put my nose the grindstone and explore further what it was that caused these limiting beliefs to be born and stuck in me and learn to release them…
I can get busy acknowledging, accepting and surrendering them to truly heal and live a brilliant life with the most joy and love and potential possible…. whilst illuminating the way for others to join me.
a. Danielle ❣️