Body like a back road…. And the nuances of getting lost in it…. 

I am in a state of disbelief and shell shocked about something that happened to me yesterday. I have been unable to get a grip about it and I absolutley MUST get this out of me. (You lucky readers 😉)

I live out of my gym bag. I shower at home MAYBE 3 times a month. I will even go to the gym just to sit in the eucalyptus infused steam room sauna… the GLORIOUS honey hole that is my meditation kingdom… and then shower at the gym. I love it there. It’s my happy 🙂.

Side note… think it’s time for a new gym bag 🤔 Nah… 😜 

I am a creature of habit. I have the same routine. I get ready in the same spot. I get ready standing in my bra and underoos and I don’t give a RIP about it. All my favorite peeps and employees come up and talk to me like it ain’t no thang my boobs are hanging out and we go about our merry little ways. (Colorado Jen if your reading this I think we meet in the lockeroom while I was in my underoos  🌈🌀💫) 

I am a 35 year old female that has been in the trenches with self loathing, self hate, feelings of shame about myself, constantly comparing myself to others…. I have been through the ringer with eating disorders galore… if there is ANY place I should feel safe standing in my bra and underoos and not worry about a damned thing it should be at the gym lockeroom right? 

We are all here because we are trying to better ourselves, our bodies, our minds, our souls, for whatever reason that is on our own hearts, right? 

Let me tell you. Ugly resides in the hearts of many and I truthfully cannot even believe what happened to me. 

I legit was body shamed by two (I’m guessing) 10-12 year old girls. Mocked, pointed at, I mean like actually POINTED at…  and laughed at. 

I was standing and getting ready in the mirror and watched them in horror as they stood back behind me whispering loudly, pointing at ME and laughing  as if I couldn’t hear and see it all!  

I was frozen. Paralyzed. And they went on and on about it. They even walked within feet behind me as I watched in the mirror and they looked me up and down and rolled their eyes and LAUGHED. 

Once I came out of my shock I was FUCKING PISSED. Like what in the actual fuck just happened here. 

I thought “you ragamuffin little brat bitches… who do you think you are??!!” My mind went right on to playing out scenes of me telling them about themselves and letting them have it… I think I even pushed one of them into the locker and they fell and conked their head on the bench…. 

CHILL folks… I’m human. I think impure thoughts occasionally before I reign it back in… 🙂 

I wouldn’t actually harm anyone but my sugar plums sure wanted to hang someone and make them pay for ripping open a wound that’s already so tender anyway.

Then I got sad. 

I thought THIS is the best we can do??? What happened to these poor girls souls that they are so ugly on the inside to be like this? 

Then I thought thank GOD this was me that they did that too and not someone more fragile in their healing…. But I won’t even lie to you one bit. For a brief BRIEF moment in my mind a tiny seed of self doubt popped up. 

BOOM. That instantaneously.

How insane is THAT???? Because of two reckless children mocking me and making fun of me the old harmful patterns of thinking I have fought so fucking hard to overcome were ready to pounce in an instant… 

That’s frightening to me… No wonder our world is riddled with people with low self esteem and feelings of unworthiness… between external yuck like those two girls flung at me… to the internal shitty committee we have in our brains it’s a constant battle. 

It seems so unnecessary to me…  

I realize some people don’t suffer with issues like this… Be grateful. Maybe say a prayer for those of us that do suffer silently… 

We rip apart our bodies and every imperfection nonstop until it can become obsessive… We do not need the help of others adding fuel to the self hate fire.

It’s ironic because I also ran across this picture yesterday before this locker room incident. To the untrained eye maybe you won’t see it…..

But I see my insecurities LOUD and clear… 

In this picture I see the years of hating my body, harsh criticism and the effects it STILL has on me with one small gesture that I am doin… 

I’m covering up a non existent fat roll. There’s nothing even there and yet I’m still triggered to cover up a part of my body that I spent decades hating. 

I woke up with the incident on my heart this morning and I can’t quite pin point my feelers about it… 

It weighs on me that these two careless girls and many more like them are going to be out in the world reaking havoc on someone else’s already low self esteem…. 

I’m insanely passionate and infinity invested in this because I want to shorten the amount of time another person spends suffering with feelings like I did. 

I know the stars of the show were the two girls…. but really I think they just brought about more awareness to me at just how much work there is to do. 

It makes me want to go out and love harder… and rival their shitty crap they fling everywhere like its confetti.

It makes me want to share more of my authentic story and my struggles and successes in hopes that it helps someone else out of the darkness… 

I want to illustrate how things come full circle by finishing the story with the girls. 

The mother of one of them finally showed up. And instantly things made sense to me… 

She was so rude to how she spoke to her daughter while haphazardly wandering towards them on her cell phone. She was CLEARLY annoyed at them for taking too long and didn’t exercise any restraint in showing it… 

My heart ached for the daughter…. instantly the high that they were on from making fun of me was gone and she herself was humiliated by her mother and you could literally see her deflate… 

And here comes the moral of the story…. 

Hurting people, hurt other people. 

Let that sink in for a while. 

I know my knee jerk reaction after I recovered from being paralyzed was to go guns blazing on them…. but hate will never crowd out hate… 

I ended up praying hard for them… then after I seen the mother I prayed even harder. 

From a compassionate stand point I knew there was some underlying reason for their behavior and like the saying goes “ask and you shall recieve”… I got my answer when the mom showed up. 

She treated them with such disrespect that they turned around and heaved that on to the next person they seen…. 

Imagine things from the other perspective then….. What if the mother was more attentive, mindful and loving… What if she wasn’t glued to her iPhone. 

Which is it just me or does anyone else literally get the urge to shove the phones up peeps arses because peeps run into you because their necks are bent down glued to the screen… 

Man. Wake up people… wake up. 

I wrote a letter to my baby girl the night before about things I vowed to do for her so she knew she was loved AND so that she herself could go off and be an illumated light source as well… and after this incident I wanted to add more things to talk to her about… I guess I will have an ongoing dialogue with her ☺️ 

Why you ask?? Cause I’m bat shit crazy that’s why 🙃 

No. Well yes, I’m crazy, but it’s because I feel so strongly that we have a huge responsibility for the energy we bring to the world. I simply want to over extend my part to counter act the mindless, careless behavior of others. And if that means making up non existent kids to be light workers, then so be it ✨

I see things from a perspective unlike many others and yesterday I seen this license plate…. 

In my heart and crazy brain I took that as confirmation that someone fluttering around was giving me as a 10 for my (mom) efforts 🙂💙💫🌈

Enough for now…. 

Extra love today… 

a. Danielle ✨

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