Hello my sweet baby girl, it’s your mommy….
I’m writing to you even though you don’t exist, yet… And I am still unsure if you will even get to join me in this lifetime of mine.
I do feel as though I have been preparing for you for a long, long time and want to articulate how much I love you.
And because I love you I want to make some very special vows to you…..
These are up and above the normal call of mommy duty.
I want to tell you a little about me so you can see why the vows I am about to make to you are so important to me…
You don’t know much about me or what my past has consisted of but I want to tell you that I spent a great number of years enduring suffering of the worst kind at the hands of the person that I thought was supposed to love and cherish me the most.
I trusted him to protect me instead of being the one that slowly destroyed me from the inside out in a methodical soul torturing and raping way.
I was an empty shell of a person by the time things had run their course. I didn’t know up from down, I didn’t know who I was or what I even stood for or believed in.
I was unsure most days how I was even going to get out of bed and face whatever the world was going to throw at me the next day. I was deflated and empty inside.
Any morsel of self esteem, feelings of worth, or confidence I had prior to that relationship were ripped to shreds and unrecognizable.
Why am I telling you this sad story??
It’s because something so profoundly transformational that I have learned in my healing journey that has saved my life.
It has given me a new, incredibly beautiful outlook on life. It’s made life sparkly where it was previously only dull and lackluster. Colors are much more vibrant, love is so much sweeter… The air is crisper and the sun feels so insanely delicious on my skin… I can breath and I feel a fire inside me unlike anything I have ever felt before…
What I am talking about my sweet baby girl is having a strong and unshakable, unpermeable barrier of self love.
I will elaborate but I want to make absolutely clear that I am not demonizing the person I was with that “loved” me the way he did…
I actually thank God for him multiple times a day. It’s through that chapter of my life that has given me my toolbox to be able to show up and walk in my purpose.
It’s because I was looking for love in all things outside of me that set me up for failure from the start. In fact, one could argue that I didn’t love myself very much, if any at all.
Not only did I not love myself but I didn’t respect myself at all either. This put me in predicaments where others would treat me the same way as I believed about myself on the inside.
And this is why I want to make certain vows to you so that you are set up for so much more success than I was.
As your mommy I don’t know what I would do if I knew you had to experience for one moment the torment that I had…
I vow to do everything in my power to create an environment where your uniqueness is not only celebrated but nourished to grow and shine brighter than you can even dream possible.
Want to dye your hair purple??!? Fuck it! Do it! I’ll probs join you 🙂 In fact now that you mention that my Pinterest has ooodles of pins of purple hair ideas…. Why? Because I love myself hard enough that it simply no longer bothers me what other people think about normal or what they say or feel about me ⚓️
Back to your vows…
I want to give you an environment where you can flourish and grow healthy self esteem, and confidence in yourself and your abilities. I want to teach you that stumbling and failing is an SUCH an important part of life and that in no way shape or form makes YOU a failure.
I pray that I create an environment that you learn to love and embrace the differences in others and that you are such a light worker that your essence helps ignite and pull the greatness out of others.
But mostly I want to make sure you understanding the importance of loving yourself.
When we love ourselves properly and fully we know what it feels like when others offer us less than. We can feel it immediately and learn how to peacefully remove ourself and let go of that person and hold the space for someone that is a better fit.
When we love ourself we learn that it’s ok to be single. We don’t try and make others “complete” us or fill voids in us. Not only does this not work but it puts unnecessary strain on the other person.
When we love ourselves and are humbly confident in who we are, we are more resilient when someone tries to feed our heads with lies about us…
And when the days come that you start questioning yourself and you start to feel lonely – because those days will come – I want you to bring it back to center and realize that you are a complete and perfectly loved being on your own.
I love you more than you can comprehend… and if you start doubting your own self love, you also have someone else very important that loves you more than I can and even more than you can love you….
What a beautiful, peaceful feeling that is isn’t it?
You are going to move mountains my child. Purple hair and all 💜
I will write more to you later to demonstrate the numerous yet simple and profound ways you can love yourself.
But I am tired. Like, my peepers are burning out of my head, tired. 😖
While I am not a mommy to real babies yet, I do create life with words and they always want to come alive at real inopportune times… Like 2 and 3 am 🙂✨💫🌀
All my love…. Every ounce of it…
Your mommy 🙂