I remember the first time I discovered I could get rid of the massive amount of food I just binged on by vomitting my brains out.
I stumbled upon it by mere accident really. I had (quietly) been suffering from binge eating disorder for some time by then.
I had just had another episode and once the high and rush and euphoria of the binge wore off and the come down started, it brought with it all the yucky lower vibrational feels like shame, guilt remorse, disgust and self hate, and on and on and….. You get the point.
I fucking hated myself.
I was miserable. Inside and outside. I was stuffed so full I was going to explode. It hurt so terribly that time that I actually had to rush to the bathroom and barely made it to the toilet before I barfed my brains out. I think I vomited so hard the mere shred that was left of my soul at that point came flying out also.
I had burst blood vessels in my eyes when I finally got up and washed my face brushed my teeth and looked at the mirror.
And then it happened.
The precise moment in my life where my disordered eating was about to make friends with a whole new monster.
I discovered that I could actually binge and get the enjoyment (using that word loosely) out of it AND turn around and get rid of the food and the shitty feelings associated with the binge immediately?????
I felt ecstatic. On top of the world. Like I won the lottery. I felt like I had just discovered the fountain of youth. I felt like I had found some secret shortcut to happy.
And I equated the purging of the food with disposing of all the yucky self loathing, shame and guilt feels getting flushed right down the toilet with it! Right?!??
WRONG. Terribly fucking wrong.
Fast forward a bit.
I was high on life. Stiff suffering silently in the miserable hell that was my marriage but at least I had THIS!
What in the actual fuck??????
My most prized possession was barfing. Does that help illustrate the nature of the beast for you???
I had my drug of my binges to soothe and drown out the horrible reality of the abuse I was suffering from at the perverbial hands of my husband AND I had the power and control to flush away other emotions that I didn’t want and the over abundance of food I didn’t need….
I was binging and purging probably daily. I got so good at I actually stunned myself. I can be quite intelligent sometimes 🙃
I found tricks to help the food come up faster and easier without the burning (milk anyone). I had it to where I knew which foods would be harder to get out and which ones would cause the blood vessels to pop.
I saved those meals for the days Mr. Good was at the fire station so he wouldn’t notice the burst blood vessels.
And that in and of itself is a funny as hell because he never even looked at me anyway by this point in the game. 🙂
I found a shortcut in life. But as with any shortcut they eventually creep up on you and backfire.
You see at that point I hadn’t established a spiritual relationship of any sort. With God or anything.
Because if I had… I wouldn’t have been abusing my body so terribly as I had been doing.
I wouldn’t have been dancing with the devil and draping myself with lethal doses of self hatred and the piles of guilt and shame that come with the monster that is disordered eating.
We are given this one body to house our soul and our inner workings and all the things that make us the beautiful beings that we are.
That is NOT the way God intended for us to live. I see this more precisely now the more I continue to grow closer to and walk with Him… frolick may be a better word. 🙂 Barefoot of course, with flowers in our hair and beautiful sunlight kissing our skin with butterflies fluttering all around us 🦋
See how quickly I get distracted by shiny things 🙂🙃💫
When I write my story and share these things the messages come to me in a way I cannot explain. These stories are usually things I have locked away in the vault never to be looked at or seen again.
But that’s of course, not why God gave these experiences to me.
For some reason with this story I cannot access the parts of it where I can explain and show you how I came to my senses. It’s not clear to me right now and I am going to just let it be.
It will come to me when it needs to.
But I do know this:
I have been blessed beyond measure with the ability to be able to look back at these experiences in my life and see how they truly are gifts.
I have been given the gift to see things and feel things in a way that’s much more deep than others are simply not open to or awakened to yet.
I have been given the gift of using words as an art to give new life and a voice to the experiences that have shaped me and to use the experiences and my art to help others through similar tribulations.
You see once the monster of disordered eating has resided in your soul it truly never really leaves. Recovery from it is a constant journey. I have to be diligent because I am aware of my triggers and I am keenly aware that if I let my guard down the monster may rear it’s ugly head again.
But it gives me passion and a fire like no other to fight for and be a light for others that suffer silently.
Those emotions that are allowed to reside in your body will manifest themselves in the form of illness, disease, depression etc….
Nothing positive or beautiful comes from housing those feelings. So my hope is that anyone reading this who is touched by it because they suffer silently – know you are not alone.
Know you are SOOOOOOOO worthy of love and joy and living a full amazing life free from the grips of this asshole monster.
I love that this story wanted to be shared with you because it just so happens that last night my aunt ran into one of my favorite inspirational women Brene Brown at the airport on her way to march in DC.
Brene has dedicated her life to dissecting the inner most workings of shame.
She encourages us to be brave with our lives. And that’s what this chapter in my life I feel is about. It’s to get vulnerable with my ouchies and develop the courage to make magic with them.
Enough for now….
All my love….
a. Danielle ❣️