Welp. Just entered my 35th year of life and couldn’t be more excited 💫🎉🔥💛
I actually caught myself thinking that I may finally be getting a grasp on this whole “life” thing that some of us get to experience 😆
Then I laughed and laughed and went on with my merry little flutters cause I knew that was a bunch of honky bullshit 🌪 I still haven’t a clue 🙃 And not a remote sign of a grasp on ANYTHING ☺️
Sooooooo what brings us here today you ask 🙂
I have a secret.
Not many of you know this secret but for some reason it’s wanting to come alive and my writing is going to give it its voice…
I want to talk about my twins.
Yes… We are talking real life people (not to be confused with critter animal) babies.
The twins I always knew I wanted since I played house as a little girl… In fact I knew I wanted twins and one more baby that I already set my mind I was going to adopt.
The twins I don’t have. Because I don’t have any kids at all…
Some of you that know me from old life may recall me always saying things like I hated kids…. or if I could fling my ovaries into oncoming traffic I would…
Those were lies and couldn’t be further from the truth. It was easier for me to say those things and IMMEDIATELY put an end to any further conversations about me having kids – than it was to look you in the face and tell you the horrible truth that was my life. That behind closed doors in my home and what should have been the sanctity of my marriage… my heart and soul was getting raped each night by my husband and that my daily goal was on purely trying to survive…
I KNEW with every ounce of me that I would not be able endure what I was going through AND be able to properly care for and nurture another precious life and soul. It would have been irresponsible of me on epic levels.
I made a pact to myself when my first niece was born – that if I couldn’t protect my babies better than my mother protected me and my siblings- I would NEVER bring a child into this world…
We have some things to iron out still… And in due time I’m sure those things will heal.
But this ditty isn’t about the brutality of my marriage or the fact that I may or may not have uttered that if anyone should have been banned from procreating – it would be dead mom. 😕
It’s more about how we view obstacles and seeing how the pieces of our puzzle are all fitting together… And letting go of attachments to specific outcomes that we want OUR way… And using our experiences that have shaped us for the greater good of everyone. 🖤
I see now that I had to go through everything I did to transform into what I am today. I see why I had to shelf my dreams of twins and the fun pregnancy pictures with my husband standing behind me with his arms around me holding my hands in his on my belly in a pretty nature scene… 💛
At first I thought that big guy upstairs gave me dead mom (and the childhood that came with that) and Mr. Good to punish me and that He wasn’t this just, loving being that everyone preached and tried to jam down my throat….
I am now seeing those things as blessings.
Not only are we responsible for our own energy and what we put out into the world…. We have the ultimate responsibility as parents to help guide our babies into being loving, caring sources of light and love.
I see now how my physically present but cold hearted mother that basically forsaked her own children in her quest for being loved – has effected my life.
I see with glaring clarity as I reflect on being discarded by her… and how that programmed my brain to put me in other situations where I would be discarded as easily… My marriage…
I’m not blaming her. In fact I have conpassionatley come to terms with why she did the things she did- and that’s because she just wanted to be loved. We all do.
But what does this have to do with anything????
Come a bit further with me…. 💫
Has my mother hood ship sailed??? I have not a clue. What I do know is this:
I can take my shelfed dreams and what I have learned in reflection of my life and use it for creative solutions to create a better existence for anyone in my path – directly or indirectly.
I am not going to waste a single moment wallowing in how things didn’t go my way or slip into any other victim mentality.
On a side note if you need an AMAZING book that will give you inspiration for overcoming obstacles and opening up a whole new mindset…. This:
I know I have been guided and asked to shelf things and go through my suffering and let go of outcomes I wanted because there is a far bigger purpose for me.
Spoiler alert: there’s a big amazing purpose for you, also. 😉 Whether you know it or believe it yet or not.
I have this insatiable desire to assist in anyway I can to help reduce suffering and show how it’s possible to live a full, joyous life REGARDLESS of our trials and tribulations… and actually BECAUSE of them ☺️💛🌟💫🎉
Furthermore, I feel insanely passionate about protecting children and their precious PRECIOUS innocent spark. We are all born with it but somehow along the way it gets dimmed or shut off completely either by our own internal dialogue and sugar plums or how we allow external forces to influence and dictate how we should or should not be…
So while I am entering my 35th year on this earth with no signs of being a mother that I can see as of yet – I have to ask myself how can I use this for good and not let it weigh me down.
I will be more mindful when I am around children and babies to make sure I’m fully present for them when it is their time – and in a respectful way. I will be the loving presence that I so badly yearned for when I was a little girl but never got.
I will do my best to fan their creative spark and make sure to celebrate their uniqueness in the attempt to have them recognize it in themselves and hold on to it for dear life.
I want to do these things because I don’t want anyone to have to spend years or decades of their lives trying to undo damage done to them. I don’t want to have anyone wake up one day and realize their life is passing them by and they have done nothing to feed their passions or desires and they are merely getting dragged along by life.
I will continue to be open to what is being asked of me and have faith that by doing so I will be rewarded with things far greater than I could have dreamed 🦋
I continued to be blown away by life and I love when you have an aha moment when you realized that someone or something was strategically placed in your life… and that reason presents itself to you. 💕
I was inspired by a friend of mine that I only know through Mr. Good. Somehow she didn’t drop off because when you get divorced you lose some people also…
I LOVE her soul because she’s always validated things I needed to hear at exactly the right time when I felt that no one would understand what I went through.
She shared her pregnancy story of her twins and some of the trials she experienced. But she also shared that she used to go buy clothes for children that she didn’t have yet…..
And that inspired me to think about doing the same thing. And as luck or God would create it… my church just so happened to have a pajama drive that same week. They accepted pajama donations for children or adults to take to them in hospitals etc to help them feel better and comforted. 💛
So I went into Super Target and got “my twins” some jammies.
But this is how I see things are all tied together more than we give credit to behind the scenes. By sharing her personal story it inspired me to take positive action instead of moping.
I know I am on the right path because the pajama drive was so nostalgic for my soul. 🌪 So the one incidence served so many purposes for my heart.
The more I walk in faith the more I am rewarded in different more beautiful ways than I ever anticipated.
I also know I am on the right path because the same day after buying and delivering the jammies I started shitting out lucky heads up pennies ☘️🍀☘️🍀
My small hope for us is this…. I pray that we take the time to get quiet with ourselves so that we clear out some noise and open up the lines of communication from God or higher powers…. However you choose to word it.
I pray that as we do that we start to recognize and clearly see when God (or whatever you believe in) is talking to us or guiding us… The more you practice this the more prevalent the incidents and more in flow the communication becomes. It utterly blows my mind how shut off and blind to it I was before.
Enough for now.
All my love…
a. Danielle ❣️