This weekend I had a cooking date night with my seester in law. Whilst we were waiting for the food to cook we got wrapped up in (all the spritzers 😜) conversation that went all over the board. One topic has stuck with me though and I haven’t been able to let it go since…
Instead of fighting it I knew I needed to roll up my sleeves, set up shop and do some work on it.
I don’t recall the exact details of how we arrived at this point in the conversation but the question that came flinging out on the table was something like “Well then, why does God let bad things happen?”
Well isn’t that a show stopping zinger… 😐
Now it’s time for my favorite part of this game… digging in the vault that is my past and stirring up some yuck…
My childhood relationship with God sucked. In all honesty I hated Him. More like fucking despised… Allllllllllllll these people hailed Him as wonderful and yet on a daily (maybe hourly) basis I sat and wondered what I had done to be handed the life I had and the absolutle SHIT that came with it….
My childhood and growing up was tumultuous at best.. I was raised by wolves and my peepers and little soul experienced SHIT that no one should have to and even that’s sugar coating it. We will work through that one day… Today is not that day.
I often expressed my distaste and disgust towards God openly and freely. EVERYONE is entitled to their own opinions and feelings. And at the time I felt my feelings were warranted.
Growing up I often visited churches with friends or even a long time catholic boyfriend. Those experiences left me further disgusted and even more distanced than ever from wanting to bridge the gap and explore a relationship with God.
As luck and a lot of piss poor choices would have it I landed myself in the biggest SHIT storm, rock bottomest place I could find myself in my life.
I had rocked through a year of 3 of my mom peeps (dead mom, gma and my beloved mother in law) dying within 7 months to the day almost to the hour apart from each other… followed by the era of drinking and drugging myself with prescription drugs… then topped with my marriage going up in flames and the slew of fun details that came along with that escapade. 🙂 Good times had by all I’m telling ya.
To say I was down and out would be a gross understatement. To say I could get out of that mess myself would be an even larger gross understatement of epic proportions.
Now here’s will it gets a little woo wooey 💫💫💫
Randomly out of the blue an old high school friend messaged me about her church she attends. She must have caught me at a weak moment due to pure exhaustion from the state of my current life because I didn’t even put up any of the bullshit front that I had grown so used to doing when church or anything God was pushed in my face. 😌
This is where I believe a million gazillion percent in divine timing… I had to be where I was mentally, spiritually and emotionally (circling the drain) in order to be open to hearing what she was saying to me. I asked her a few more questions about the vibe of the church but I trusted her that she would not lead me astray… we’d gone on more than our share of adventures as kids and I knew she knew what my insides were made of.
It took me a few weeks but one day I strolled in to attend church by myself and it was absolutely one of the top most pivotal moments of my life. 💙
Everything and I mean EVERYTHING was perfect. The vibe… the down to earth feel… the music was off the charts! They played a Doobies Brothers song. I was home 🤘🏾
The pastor was perfect. I have less than zero knowledge of anything bible story related. I simply was never submerged in that growing up. You can talk and talk to me all day long dropping names and stories out of the bible and I will not have a damn clue what your saying to me. 🙃
But pastor Craig delivered the message with humor and broke it down into how we can live and apply it to everyday life.
When you recognize that someone is living their true life purpose it’s so incredible to me. Stunning actually. And he absolutely is. And he does it impeccably. It actually gives me goosebumps thinking about and fills my heart with immense joy. I could write novels about the magnitude at which he’s changed MY life simply by doing what God made him for.
Now. For my take on why God allows bad things to happen. Had I not experienced life precisely as I had and gone through the trials and straight up honky bullshit that I have – maybe I would have a different perspective and answer about this.
I also know I had to do the precise spiritual and emotional growing and soul searching that I have been doing in these past years to be able to arrive at this conclusion.
My answer is this.
I believe God allows us to go through shitty raggedy shit that’s debilitating and drops us to our knees so that we can use our experiences to help others.
Had God not given me the insane gift of having a horrible husband picker… I wouldn’t have experienced the heart breaking things like self esteem issues.. feelings of unworthiness and breaking yourself trying to get the approval of someone you will never be good enough for..
Had I not been on that journey I wouldn’t have gone through disordered eating (milk so it doesn’t burn coming back up anyone 😖) and self loathing and blatant pure hating myself..
Still with me?
Had He not given me the blessing that is my Mr. Good I wouldn’t have gotten to experience what it’s like to fight with every ounce of my being for a marriage that was destroying me..
I would have never gotten to go through those experiences to fight my way out of and learn from and then to write about.
I know that if I have experienced something of this nature someone else has also. I know how lonely and scary and horrible it can be and I refuse REFUSE to let anything I have gone through be in vain.
It’s through my experiences I finally developed compassion. Compassion for me and everyone around me. I know with every ounce of my being that my heart and soul are both better for these “bad things”.
I thank God for those gifts He gave me. Because now my work has only just begun. He gave them to me and only me because He trusted me and so that I can use them to help others.
Now the real deep shit…
Why does God allow things to happen like babies dying?????
My seester in laws baby niece passed away at only a few months old… within this past few weeks a cousin of mine had her teen daughter’s baby die from SIDs at only months old.
How fucked up is THAT??? I don’t blame people for questioning God? Not with things like that happening…
But how do we know that teen mom isn’t supposed to grow up and help other teen moms who may be experiencing the difficulties of judgemnt that an unaccepting society or even friends and family place on them.. How do we know she’s not going to be a catalyst to help others through the death of a baby and aid in the grieving of others following in her same shoes?????
Maybe it’s written on her heart to educate others on SIDs… maybe she’s going to work to find a solution and prevention for it and save numerous other lives… How do we know??!!
See how God uses us? It’s quite beautiful if you think about it. 💜
Here is what I know to be true. Bad stuff IS going to happen. There is nothing we can do about it. But it’s what we choose to do with those experiences that matter.
I love where my seester in law is at in her thinking. At least she is thinking about it. We are all on different places in our journey. And that’s what makes life so unique and crazy and messy and beautiful.
I absolutely don’t feel it’s my job to try and change her mind or anyone’s mind for that matter. I think that by me continuing to focus on my own work and personal growth is enough. I think by continuing to be a safe place by simply listening to and respecting others views and opinions and where they are is enough.
We will all get to where we are supposed to be in perfect time and in our own (Im)perfect journey.
All my love. ALL of it.
a. Danielle ❣️