I have felt a strange pull towards making some sort of apology to the wife that came before me.
I have this deal in my brain that won’t shut up and will keep nagging at me until I finally give in and take action (OMG isn’t that a man’s description of a wife?!? I have a wife weeble in my brain??!). It starts subtly at first eventually turning pretty relentless. I am learning that this is my que to set up shop for a bit and work through whatever it is that is bitching at me. 🙂
I am not in AA or working the steps… Going back and making amends would be step 8 in case you were wondering.
I do a massive amount of reflecting on my life and anywhere I have caused either myself or someone else harm (not physical, silly, although I will cut someone if need be 🔪🔪) I would like to try and fix it.
I will point out that this will never actually land in her hands (unless someone reading this sends it to her). I have no intention of actually giving this to her.
This is for me. All of anything that I ever write will always be for me. It will be for my personal growth and best interests in mind.
Here’s why I want to apologize…
I hated you. I fell hook line and sinker for the sob story that was spoon fed to me about you.
YOU were the cheating whore… He was so hurt and broken down by the pain you had caused him through your marriage.
I was fed stories about how he was an innocent victim of you physically assaulting him…. I would like to sadly admit that later on during the war that was the end of my “term” with him I may or may not have uttered that I wish you would have kicked his ass harder 😳
I know… I know I’ll add that to the list of things I need to amend 🙂
But this was only phase one… follow along.
I didn’t realize it at the time but I was being groomed methodically to hate you.
But this was his plan… you see because when he could see me get fired up about how you could treat someone so innocent and special as him like you did… he knew he had me hooked. I had taken his bait and bought his story.
I was devoutly loyal to him thinking it was “love”… Oh silly me.
Let’s move on to phase 2.
I can tell you with a million percent certainty that this is where my soul began to crack.
After spending ample time making sure I knew you were a whore version of Lucifer… a strange change of events started occurring.
He started slowly comparing me to you… he would rub it in my face that you were wanting to get back together even though your then boyfriend was living with you at your guys marital house…
Talk about confused 😕
All the sudden your interior decorating skills were better than mine… his family loved you more because you were his wife and I am just a girlfriend… You could cook better and breath better and all the frick sudden you were Mother Theresa and not the lucifer he had painted you out to be previously…
In case your slow on the uptake like I am… I will cliff note this out for you readers…
He was planting seeds of insecurity and doubt in me… and the harvest of all the feelings of severe lack of self worth and self esteem and horrific confidence moved in – and let me tell you. Those bitches… once they move in they are harder than hell to eradicate.
This caused me to constantly start comparing myself to you… what ever you did how can I do better? And without me even noticing he lounged back and watched me dance around him like a little puppet trying to prove my worth to him…
Let the games really begin folks. We will get into more of that later. Trust me. 💙
In hindsight I should have told him to kick rocks wayyyyyyyyyyyy before this all started happening. Today in the here and now I wouldn’t even DREAM of dealing with stuff like that. Ummmm, bye Felicia 😌
I didn’t tell him to kick rocks and as batshit crazy as it sounds- I am beyond thankful that I didn’t. I was given this experience to do some wonderful work with.
I pray daily for one of my dear friends to win the lottery because I KNOW he will do incredible INCREDIBLE things with the money. He will change people’s lives for the greater good and do wonderful work with that.
I also know that I was given this opportunity to go through what I did to do amazing things with it. I was trusted with this life because – even though it sure as shit didn’t feel like it at the time- I could handle it…
Ummm, like in my next life God… if I could just be the one to win the lotto that’d be good 🙂 Okay?? 😉
Sorry (not sorry) for the side track there. Back to why I want to apologize.
Because he had further fed me with lies about you talking shit about me to mutual friends I had snapped and called you to tell you a little about yourself. As you can imagine I didn’t talk to you about the weather or tell you how great you are… some of the most venomous and hideous things came spewing out of my mouth and for this I am so sorry.
I’m not going to debate about your character. I don’t know you at all.
What I do know is that I have a responsibility to myself and those around me and the energy I bring with that. I NEVER want to be filled with such hatred or moved in such a fashion that I actively spew that out.
I do not wish to cause harm on anyone – whether they have caused me strife or not. I have since learned and embraced the fact that hate will never drown out hate.
I am immensely ashamed about my behavior and that’s why I need to apologize.
I also want to apologize to that 22 year old version of me as well. I am so so so sorry that I allowed myself to be manipulated like I was and to be used like a pawn in a sick circus.
What I know that went on was a very methodical plan carried out by our mutual ex husband.
He tested his boundaries with me by feeding me lies about you and then lit a little fire to watch me dance and see how intensely loyal to him I was.
Then when he accomplished the set point he used me as a pawn to do his dirty work by finishing up what he wanted to do or say to you because you hurt him. And you don’t hurt those kind of people and not pay for it. But he used me to do his dirty work so that he could remain with his “clean” image.
Friends I would like to introduce you to triangulation…
This actually came full circle because what I did to you he moved right on to # 3 and used her to do the same thing to me. That’s another topic for a later date.
I’m not apologizing because it happened to me or karma slapped me in the face for how I treated you. So let’s make that clear.
I’m apologizing because I want to clear the air. I am much more awake than I was before.
And as much as this article may seem like the central theme is my dear ex and how he chooses to travel through this life – it is not.
You have to know me better than that by now.
What this boils down to and the message I bear on my soul is that we must be more diligent protecting ourselves and our hearts and how we view and treat ourselves. We have to be more diligent on the treatment from others we are willing to accept.
I would be lying to you if I said I didn’t struggle immensely with recognizing my value. For so long I accepted WAY less than I deserved. I believe a lot of us do.
I am way better than I used to be but have SOOOO much more growing to do. I hope that anyone reading this that has a feeling where it hits home will join me in their own personal self love revolution 💙
We are all worthy of amazing things. I believe that with every ounce of my being. I see great things in others when they may not even see it themselves.
I was told something on Friday by an amazing soul that has stuck with me like glue and it something I very much needed to hear… She said that “God says yes”….
What this means is that whatever stories your telling yourself – that is what your going to get.
You don’t think you deserve a healthy relationship… then guess what your gonna get.. followin me??
Looking back I clearly have had major feelings of unworthiness but the beautiful things about reflection and working through the shitty feels- is that there is always a lesson to be found.
Enough for now….
All my love…
a. Danielle ❣️