Tonight I am feeling compelled to talk about my ex love affair with ambien.
Heard of it? 🙃
It’s that glorious little pill that shuts you off from the world and sends you into a magical sleep wonder land of pure bliss…
It quickly became my best buddy when I accidentally stumbled upon my (then) husbands pill bottle of it. It was prescribed to him after we had to pull the plug on his mother when she had her third and final catastrophic medical emergency that she did not come out of.
He got it because he was a fireman and dealing with the stress of that job and losing his mother was a strain and rest was his ally.
I used it because I “thought” if I could get the same quality sleep as him I would be able to burn the candle at both ends.
Shortly after losing my mother in law, who was the most important person I had in my life, I found out my real mom- who I had not spoken to for over 4 years was dying.
In less than 12 hours I had to shove aside all the yuck that caused me to remove my own mother and stepdad out of my life COMPLETELY… Ripping up cards she would mail me… Not answering phones, emails, texts, smoke signals… You name it – I cut it. Done. Out. ✌🏿️
When we found out she was sick I pledged to myself to take care of her and give her the most dignity possible on the last stretch of her life here on earth. I went to every doctor appointment with them to help translate what the doctors were saying… Every night I had to re-explain what Stage 4 and paliative care meant to my step dad.. And watch him struggle to wrap his head around losing his person.
I was tired. Figuratively and literally. I had no time to “feel” though. I needed to be a warrior in the daytime and sleep hard and in short amounts of time in the night.
Enter knight in shining armour: Ambien 💕
Or so I thought….
You ever seen the warnings about the stuff?!
It’s fucking great. You ever want the darkest blackest sleep you that you could imagine that you’d use one of your 3 wishes from a magic genie for??… This is your guy.
I recall my first time taking it… I remember staring at the tv and it looked like I was in a 3D movie with stars coming out at me… I couldn’t figure out the remotes.
First off a little side note… One should not have 38 hundred remotes to a tv, a dvr cable box with 4948744949392 channels and leave me with not a damn clue how to work them 😌 Mmmmkay.
Back to the story… I remember sinking like a pile of bricks and feeling paralyzed into the bed and then boom 💥 Nothing.
I found out the next day however, that that night I called my friend to tell her I didn’t know where I was… That I didn’t know how I got there…. Being the care taker that she was she told me to go out and look in the garage and see what was out there. Apparently I went to look in the garage and told her I couldn’t see anything. She told me to turn on the light.
Wouldn’t ya know. I said “oh my cars here. I’m at home.”
She knew something was way off and told me go to bed and don’t move and don’t leave. I guess I talked to her for a while longer telling her I thought someone was under my bed even though she even knew my bed sat directly on the floor. Otherwise it was too tall for the dogs to get on….
Ok don’t judge 😌 You know you let them sleep with you too.
Anyway. The next day I felt insanely incredible. I woke up at 3:30am worked out, worked, went to all the Drs appointments, re hashed what stage 4 metastatic cancer meant to my stepdad, mowed, cooked, started laundry and walk the dogs and didn’t skip a beat.
Ok. That sounded like I described being on meth which I can assure you with million percent certainty I was not doing.
But the real magic happened at 8pm… I would pop my pill and and start to finish laundry… Then the next thing I knew it would be 3:30am time to get up and roll.
However the laundry was done and put away the dishes were also done… It looked and felt basically like I had a maid because I remember doing NONE of it.
UMMMMMM HELLO ☺️ Hook line and sinker. I was sold and in love. 💕
Cause let’s be real folding and putting away laundry sucks – what could be better than doing it and not remembering a flipping thing 🎉
Why am I telling you about all this nonsense and divulging my dirty secrets to you, you ask??!
Fast forward a few more ambien blissed out weeks and I found out that my beloved Neen (aka Grandma) got an infection in her knee replacement. She had to be wheeled around to appointments because grandpa also needed a hip replacement and couldn’t get around himself.
I’ll ruin the ending and tell you the infection killed her and that my dead mom died 3 weeks after that to the day… Making her the 3rd of my dead peeps in 7 months to the day, almost to the hour.
Yes you read that right… And yes I’m sure there will be a post later on about those items.
But here’s where the shift really started. My marriage started crumbling..
I’m a firm believer CBG died on the inside when we watched his mother take her last real breath when they shut the machines off.
Everything changed. He was like a stranger.. There was no connection.. I didn’t know how to reach to him.. I was the biggest pile of ambien induced hot mess there was…
And I’ll ruin another ending for you here and go ahead and tell you we got divorced. And yup. As you guessed there will be (numerous) more ditties about that. ☺️ Stay tuned babies 💕
I continued to drift to my ambien fields of butterflies and sparkles every night. However… The ambien rendezvous time crept up earlier and earlier… 😳
I remember distinctly thinking “if I could just make it to 6:30pm I could pop my pill and the drift off to lala and still manage to get things done”…
This is what one looks like when they are in the middle of making their to do list for the next day and Ambien decides it’s time to come frolick 🙂
Did you hear me??? GET THE FUCK OUT and do it immediately.
You are not in the right life, the right story.. Shit you are not even in the right book.
We are all SOOOOOO much more special than that. Each and every one of us. 💕
Except I didn’t know that then and that’s why I’m sharing all this. I don’t want anyone to make my same mistakes…
This helps me heal through writing about it. It helps me sort things out and learn from it. Hopefully not to make the same mistakes again.
Life has a funny way of unfolding.
I could have told you back then my marriage was doomed. Instead of being brave and doing things to protect myself or remove myself from a storyline that I didn’t fit into anymore I did the next best thing.
I drugged myself. I numbed myself out and it got me through. For a bit.
My then husband would take all kinds of fantastic photos of me while I was off in fantasy land and post them on Facebook.
This is one of my faves.
It was borderline humiliating because he would post them on Facebook (we had a shared account…. Don’t ask…. Oh whatevs I’ll tell ya later 😉). I would wake to 383728394957 notifications about them. It was funny to the outside world but not really humerous to me since I knew the reason I was in this state to begin with.
I see now looking back that this humiliation would pale in comparison to my next big adventure I would go through … This was a boot camp training of sorts… Ya… That’s it.
This is one of my favorites also. The sad thing about the entire situation is the person I was trying to escape from by drugging myself is the very person that had his arm around me posing for the picture.
Ambien and I played for a while longer until even I realized that it was doing more damage than good anymore.
We allllllllll have to face our shit eventually. Life will get louder and crazier and force you until you make decisions to change or life will do it for you… And trust me… It’s not pleasant usually.
I quit ambien one day on a whim and never looked back.
I can’t even believe that person was me as I write about this. I could not imagine missing out on one second of my new life by numbing myself.
It’s been several years of some major ups and downs… Tons of therapy (I owe you for my new life Crazy Dr… You know who you are 😉) finding my path to make room for God in my life.. And a lot of self development work. A shit pot full 🙂
It feels incredible to be on this side of the fence now. However, I will always ALWAYS remain humble for the joy that is my new life because I have been down and out.
I will always circle back to a quote from my girl Joyce Meyers that says “if Gods has brought you to it, it is so that you can help others through it”.
And that’s why I do what I do. We never know who we may be inspiring by being the truest versions of ourselves.
When I was numbing myself out I didn’t know who I was… Sad, but true story.
Numbing ourselves out to life can come in various shapes and sizes. We all pick our poison.
It is absolutely my intention that I own my past and use it as reminder to always be mindful for living a joyful life.
I want to always be brave enough and have enough courage to switch directions and make some hard ass choices if the path I am on does not nourish my soul or makes me feel dead on the inside.
I wish that for all of us, actually.
I want to add a small disclaimer… This is not about him nor will it ever be. This is about me and always has been. It just took me a (lonnnngggggg) while to realize that.
Enough for now.
a. Danielle ❣