I have been very much in my head lately over something that became obvious I need to write about.
If you do not know… I should tell you that I have been conducting this research project and it’s called: My Life 😳
I want to never do that again (duh)… One thing in new life I am always trying to do is examine what I have been through and find how I can learn from it.
This includes massive amounts of looking in the mirror at my role in the game. FUCK…. that gets uglies at times but sooooo so worth it. (Come on its ok… trust me ☺️)
Although the experience of the death of my marriage and what I thought my life was going to look like was horrific (or so I thought at the time)… It’s clearly becoming truly one of the most amazing things that could have happened to me.
Each day that clicks on I feel more alive, more free, more vibrant and most importantly more of the true me I think I was always meant to be in the first place. 💫 If I hadn’t been such a dumbass and stayed somewhere I didn’t belong for FAR TOOOOOOO long 😳Apologies.. I digress.
It dawned on me a while back why I feel this way… I know now more than ever I am loved SOOOO MUCH ❣ I’m loved by myself more than I ever have been in my life… I have filtered out toxic relationships and have been blessed, BLESSED beyond measure with some of the most amazing people who love me unconditionally.. And finally I know I am loved by that big guy upstairs 💕
But why is this all so great and what makes this all so wonderful and envigorating I kept wondering??
It finally dawned on me (I love my intuitive voice 💫) that the love is free flowing. My peeps don’t suffocate me… I don’t put stipulations on my self love.. And certainly there is no one more forgiving than Him. ❣
Let’s be clear here… My marriage was all but over… In hospice.. On its death bed and there were certain other key things we will circle around to later 😉 It will get good my loves… Promise ✌🏿️
But when I look back and see the panicked me that was about to have the floor drop out from below me – I did some terrible TERRIBLE things to another soul that are almost too embarrassing to write/ type.
I suffocated…. I wanted to control.. I cut people out of his life all in attempt to I think at the time save my marriage???…
What I did was put a giant axe in it. Please do not make my same mistakes….
I see now and know with every ounce of my being that love should flow freely. I should not have had to cut people off, suffocate him wanting to know his every move… I was frightened, I was losing my grip and now I want to apologize. To me.. To CBG… And to whomever was in my path of self destruction.
This ditty is one of my favorites of all times. ❣ When I was squeezing the death out of Mr. CBG I was not allowing him to be his true self…. And because I was so obscenely obsessed with changing everything about him I lost who I was and I am damn sure I didn’t love myself.
This is how I came to realize that you cannot suffocate something and expect for it to thrive and blossom and sparkle into its true self in the jar with a lid on it that you are trying to jam them in.
But the kicker and step two of the awareness…. Is you have to be brave enough to accept the other person as they are…. AS THEY ARE RIGHT NOW IN REAL TIME IN FRONT OF YOU… Not as you can see them in the future after they have attended your university of “let me make you into something your not and kill your spirit”…
We are not here to change or fix people. That simply is not our job. Our duty to ourselves, our loved ones, shit even strangers but most importantly to Him… is to be the best version of ourselves that we can be – and grow into our true authentic selves.
I don’t sit back and wonder what would have happened if I would have released the death grip on him… No. That would serve me none.
It’s given me incredibly valuable insight into how I want to love others going forward. It’s given me incredible insight into what kind of love I am willing to accept.
I know without a grain of doubt that I would not be able to be who I am flourishing and fluttering to be if I was not loved freely by my peeps. Myself and Him included.
We owe it to ourselves and others for sure to recognize who people are and deeply examine if we can love them exactly the way they are… If not let it go. We all deserve that much.
The only small ouch I have over my death grip on Mr. CBG episode is that I would have been brave enough to let go much sooner…
I can’t even probably accurately get this out on “paper” properly… but I love him now more than I ever did. FROM A DISTANCE FOLKS 🔪🔪🔪 from a very spiritual and far far away distance 😝
In fact it’s a chilling realization to me that I, in fact, may have never truly loved him at all in the first place….
I didn’t love myself so how the fuck could I EVER have loved another… I held on with a death grip for him to complete me or fill gaps in me.. Whatever unhealthy, insane reason. Then simultaneously I wanted to “fix” him when I should have started looking in the mirror YEARS ago…
Recipe for distaster??? DING DING DING💥 We have a winner.
I also am currently watching someone I love (freely.. haha get it?!) go through a similar experience…
I get to see from the sidelines exactly what transpired in my own death grip match.
And I think that’s why God brings people to us… I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy what I went though or what my person is going through. But it gives me an opportunity to also learn more about love than I have ever bargained for in my life.
But that’s I guess why this is an on going research project. Life.
Without this experience I wouldn’t have examined this…
I love nothing more -NOTHING I’m saying… Than being loved for who I truly am. If I could bottle that feeling up and sell it I would be a millionaire.
My goal is to always love others in that fashion also… I believe by doing so the right people will come into our lives and stay as they are meant to. They are free to flutter and be themselves – but the best part of that is that we can flutter together.
And there’s really nothing more beautiful. ❣
All my love…
a. Danielle ❣